Tutor or Torture
by SmileBright
Summary: All human. Bella, angel-child, has to tutor Edward. Edward is difficult, he's a druggie, and has a screwed up past. Can they set aside their differences and be friends? Or more? Rated: M for kinda coarse language and kinda adult themes.
1. An Enmitiful Encounter

_This is my first shot at writing anything so…._

_(By the way, it's about Bella and Edward ( who is human__)) AND, stuff might go by kinda slow because I haven't really gotten a rhythm as to how fast I should make events so excuse the slowness of the developing story. AND, Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer... Enjoy...  
_

BPOV

I was fucking done with school. Done with all this shit. Trying hard just to get somewhere. I mean, what's the point of life when you're not even living? High school is supposed to be some of the best years of your life, the youngest years of your life. And I spent every fucking day going to school, trying hard, doing my homework like a goody-two-shoes and all for what? _Something_ was missing. I had good grades, friends, and didn't have to worry about getting into college because I would be accepted somewhere so what could it be? And it fucking bugged me that I couldn't figure it out. And now to add onto all that crap, and the work I was getting from my AP classes, which I don't see the point in taking because I'm going to fucking college anyway, I had to _tutor_.

I fucking HATED tutoring. I had done it once before and gotten out with the excuse that I was too busy. But now that I was a senior, I couldn't get by with that shitty excuse because seniors apparently don't have enough to do. I hated tutoring not because I didn't like helping people, it was when people didn't appreciate all the fucking time I wasted with them to help them get better that pissed me off. Why the hell should I waste my time trying to help someone who obviously doesn't want to be there either and is baked out of their mind so they can't even form one coherent sentence without sounding stupid?

Ugh. It just pissed me off so much and I couldn't refuse because Ms. Cope thought I was a fucking saint and all and, well, I was a pushover too. Fuck me. Less than a year to go and I would be out of this crappy little town in the middle of no where. Forks was its name, fucking wettest place on Earth. I mean, if all the water that rained here could be collected, we could hydrate the whole fucking planet. And besides, I was a sun person. I LOVED the sun. I used to live in Phoenix but things didn't work out so well there. My mom got remarried to Phil, who is a decent guy, but life wasn't comfortable cramped up in a two bedroom house with two newly-wed lovebirds always engaging in too much PDA. It made me sick to my stomach to even think of it. Moving here to Forks, I knew I wouldn't have to deal with that type of shit. My dad, Charlie, just wasn't like that. And it wasn't only because he hadn't moved on from my mom, but he just didn't liked sharing his feelings, especially with others, especially in public. THANK GOD.

That reminded me, as I was walking down the small fucking hallway to the tutor room, what was the kid's name again? I didn't want to be there, neither did he or she, I don't remember, but at least, I figured, I could have the decency to know their name before we sat down for a long hour of unproductive small talk trying to make him/her understand what was going on in a class he/she probably never showed up to in the first place.

I took out the thin slip of paper with the kid's name on it: Edward Cullen. That name sounded kind of familiar… I wonder why. Then I remembered that Mr. Banner had continuously called out his name in Biology class when taking attendance for the first week of class after which he just gave up. Just as I thought, this kid NEVER came to class. So why the fuck did I have to bother to help him if he never bothered to show up?

I quietly pushed the handle down on the door and slipped my way into the room, feeling a little fucking pissed, and tried to be as smooth as possible. But smooth was just not an option. I always had to fuck up first impressions because the first thing people learned about me was my clumsiness. When I tried to slip into the room, I ended up fucking slipping on the floor because my shoes were wet and the floor was tile and shit happens. But it always manages to happen to me.

The first thing I noticed, after the fact that I realized I was lying on the ground, was a faint chuckling noise coming from the farthest table, a muffled laugh. I slowly got up and looked at the table. No, glared is more like it, and saw the laughing was coming from who I presumed to be Edward Cullen, but if I had no idea I would have guessed a Calvin Klein model, sitting with his lips twitching trying to hold in his laughter. _You think it's fucking funny?_ Since my glaring obviously wasn't intimidating enough, I looked away and surveyed the rest of the room. I noticed Ms. Wolf standing behind her desk with a concerned expression on her face.

"Are you okay dear? Looked like you had a bad fall."

I tried to smile as convincingly as possible, it probably ended up as a grimace but who the fuck cares? I just banged my butt really hard on the ground but I wasn't about to admit that to a teacher who just called me fucking _dear_. I sighed and said,

"I'm fine Ms. Wolf. Sorry I'm a little late but we were let out of biology late today." When I said Biology, I gave a quick sideways glance at the boy still smiling crookedly, and I made sure it was a cold stare which I hoped Ms. Wolf wouldn't catch.

"That's alright, honey. I'd like you to meet Edward Cullen, the young man you will be tutoring in Biology. Edward, this is Isabella Swan," she motioned to my standing figure, because there were SO many people in the room she just HAD to point me out?

"Bella," I said instinctively. I hated when people called me Isabella, too long, too formal, and too fucking sweet. Then in an effort to be somewhat polite, I walked up to the table Edward was sitting at and held out my hand. I waited for him to shake it, like a polite gentleman, but instead, he shrugged his shoulders. Fucking shrugged. So this guy was an asshole too? I wanted to scream so loud at that moment at this guy who was about to waste half my senior life just to fucking sit with him and pretend to teach him shit which he didn't want to learn.

Just to piss him off a little, I mean, give him a taste of his own medicine, I pulled out the chair beside him forcefully so that it made an obnoxious screeching sound on the tile floor. I smiled, a fake one of course, and sat down taking my bag off my shoulder and letting it slide onto the table. I saw his body cringe up minutely at the noise which made me smug. At that moment, Ms. Wolf said she had to step out for a minute to run an errand. We both nodded and she left. Deciding that I was done playing charades and the whole bullshit nice act for Ms. Wolf could be let down, I finally took a good look at this Edward Cullen. I was about to make some snide or witty remark when I took in the complete and utter beauty of his face. I mean, .GOD. Gorgeous. And I just lost my train of thought, I almost couldn't remember why I was so pissed at him in the first place. I could tell this was not going to be easy, with his disregard for me, and my apparent loss of coherency upon looking at his face.

Well, I had to start somewhere. "So, Edward, I assume you need help with Biology. That _is_ why we're here. So let's start. What are you studying in Biology right now?"

"Look, _Isabella_, I'm not here because I want to be. And I'm sure as hell not going to learn a thing. I don't skip Biology everyday so I can come here and learn it with my very own _tutor_. So if you don't mind, I'd like to leave early today from our session because we've gotten _so_ far and I'm pretty exhausted because Biology can be _so_ very confusing. Same time tomorrow?"

All I could do was gape at him. Was this kid serious? NO FUCKING WAY. No way was I going to come here and waste my life with this asshole who couldn't even fucking muster up the courage or respect to shake my hand and decided he would just leave right when we started.

_Fuck you_.

Of course I didn't say it aloud, how could I have? I'm not an asshole too. And anyway, he probably wouldn't have fucking cared so I just let him leave the room while I stared after him and let out a deep sigh after the door closed shut again. I didn't know I had been holding my breath this whole time but I let it finally come out. I just sat there, dumb-founded. I couldn't believe this kid was actually blowing me off, ON THE FIRST FUCKING DAY! After a couple of minutes of just venting my rage I was brought back by the sound of the door when Ms. Wolf walked in.

"Bella, where did Edward go? Are you guys already finished with today's lesson?"

"Edward had an appointment and said he had to leave early. So I just gave him a little work to do and let him go off on his way." What the fuck did I just do? Was I LYING for him now? He didn't deserve my help and Ms. Wolf, God bless her soul, sure didn't deserve my lies.

"That's great Bella. I'm so glad he is finally responding to someone. You know, he's been through three tutors already who have all given up but I decided if anyone could help him, you would be able to do it." Hah, so this kid had blown off three other people before me. Suddenly I didn't feel so bad, it wasn't personal.

"Thanks Ms. Wolf, I'll be off on my way now too. I have lots of homework to do." Bullshit. But I had to leave. I had to think of what I was going to say to Edward to either set things straight or get me off the hook with this delinquent. I gave a timid wave to Ms. Wolf and left the room. As I walked to my car, I smiled at myself thinking of all the techniques I had learned in self defense and ways in which I would physically hurt Edward Cullen, because verbally just would _not_ be enough.

_Phew. First chapter EVER. There will be EPOV later on just this chapter was strictly Bella.. Reviews would be nice… if anyone reads this ____ Plus, I'm really new to all this so any suggestions about anything would be great.  
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	2. The Hatred Continues

_So, I kinda wrote this before any reviews of the first chapter so excuse me for not having incorporated stuff that was suggested in the reviews before…. Hope you enjoy!_

EPOV

I couldn't believe they found yet ANOTHER tutor to help me. Ms. Wolf was a nice woman, but some things she just didn't understand. I didn't want any fucking help. So as I sat waiting for my "tutor" to come, I thought of all the ways I could blow him/her off so they wouldn't want to come back.

Then a girl walked in. Her face looked vaguely familiar, someone from my grade. But I couldn't quite remember her name. She was cute, which was going to make this whole thing harder because I hated to be an asshole to someone I didn't know, especially if they were a cute girl. Then she did something I wasn't expecting. She fucking slipped on the floor. I couldn't help it, I knew I was being a humongous asshole by not helping her and just laughing from where I sat, but I knew it would make the whole process shorter and it was pretty fucking funny if you ask me.

As she got up, all defensively with her shoulders pushed back, she turned her gaze to glare at me. I just had to stifle another laugh, because I knew she was going for intimidating but it was way too cute to be mean and frankly, she looked downright silly. Then Ms. Wolf went through the customary introduction, yada, yada, yada. And I found out her name was Bella. Isabella. Her name was cute too.

She came over and tried to be nice by introducing herself, but I didn't want to get her hopes up by pretending to be nice so I just shrugged it off and waited until Ms. Wolf left to give her the customary "I don't give a fuck" speech that had worked with the last three tutors, and I had a feeling, would work just fine on her too. Then I left as she gaped at me.

I felt a little bad. But it was fucking Friday. It's not like she really wanted to spend her Friday afternoon hanging out with a total stranger anyway and I needed a fix quick because I was starting to get all jittery.

When I got to the parking lot, instead of heading for my silver Volvo, I headed straight into the woods behind the school. I was going to the spot. I had told Jasper earlier to meet me there and what do ya know, he was waiting for me.

I let out a deep breath. The spot. I LOVED the spot. Not only because it was where I spent a good portion of my high school days getting high, but it was secluded, away from everything else. Just me and green, green forest, green leaves, green moss, and of course green weed. And technically, Jasper too, and Emmett occasionally, but most our time spent at the spot was silent. We didn't really talk much. Our friendships were based more on our common interests rather than our conversations.

"'Sup Jazz. Ready?"

"I was born ready." I chuckled. Leave it up to Jasper to say clichéd shit like that all the time.

We stayed there till the sun had almost completely set on the horizon by which point, I was completely stoned and wasn't at all coherent. I told Jazz I'd catch up with him later at Emmett's big party that night.

From then, things were kinda a blur. I knew I must have somehow gotten home and taken a shower because my hair was wet and I had changed clothes. I looked at my clock and realized it was almost 7:00 and that I was ridiculously hungry. I went down to the fridge and looked at all the food we had but nothing looked edible without heating and Esme, my mom, wasn't home to make me food so I just said fuck it and went to the pantry. I snacked on some chips while flipping through the channels. I didn't even really like TV. And when it got late enough that it was acceptable to show up at Emmett's, I drove over.

I forgot what number his house was but it was blatantly obvious from all the fucking noise coming from the house. I got out of the car, locked the doors, and strode up to the door. I didn't knock because no one would be able to fucking hear it and it just seemed stupid, Emmett's house was like my second home so it didn't fucking matter.

Just as I closed the door, a cup filled with some booze was shoved into my face and I took it gratefully. I found Emmett and gave him the customary nod and went to go find my usual place on the couch. I didn't dance, so the couch was like a safe haven for me, I wouldn't be faced with the awkward situation of having to refuse to dance.

Then I noticed a bunch of people crowding up in the open space of the living room. The girls were grinding with each other and of course all the guys were trying to get in on the action. As I sipped my drink, if you could call it that, it tasted _awful,_ I looked around the room, not paying attention to anything in particular when I saw her. It was the same girl, Bella was her name? That I had blown off earlier in the middle of the dance floor. She seemed like she was having a lot of fun grinding up against her friends Angela and Jessica. I noticed her cute little face again, and her cute curls that I hadn't noticed before. And then her cute butt, which had, just a couple hours earlier, taken a hard beating on the tile floor. I chuckled at the thought and looked away, not wanting to be caught staring. I just kept sipping my drink, letting the warm tingles take over my body and my judgment. I was fairly sure I wouldn't be remembering anything about this night tomorrow.

BPOV

I couldn't help staying angry for long because after I got home I got a call from Jessica that Emmett was throwing a big party at his house and that she wanted to go. Why not? Fuck it. It was Friday and I wanted to have some fun. So I quickly made dinner for Charlie and told him I would be hanging out with Jessica. It was the truth, just not the whole truth. Of course if he heard it was a party he wouldn't let me go. He was the police chief in town and he knew what went down at parties, what parent didn't? Just most didn't bother acknowledging the fact that their kids did illegal things every weekend. It was easier to live in ignorance. Charlie thought it would be embarrassing if he had to bust a party and arrest his own daughter. But not to worry dad, I thought to myself, I don't drink.

Jessica picked me up around 9:00 and we drove to Emmett's house. Jessica couldn't stop talking about Mike Newton who she hoped she could make out with tonight in a one night drunken fling. I mean, she had had a thing for him since freshman year, but the only time he seemed interested in her was when he was completely intoxicated, so she took every opportunity she could get with the drunken Newton. Then she remembered about my tutoring. Fuck, why did she have to remind me? Now my mood was just as black as it had been earlier.

"So, how did tutoring go today? Who was it this time?"

I let out a deep sigh and said, "Edward Cullen." I was about to say more and rant about how much of an asshole he was but Jessica immediately butted in.

"Edward CULLEN? Seriously? You're soooo lucky. He's fucking gorgeous. Who wouldn't want to touch, I mean, tutor him?"

I couldn't help but agree, he _was_ unbelievably beautiful. But I wasn't going to praise him. "Yeah, I guess. But he's a real ass though."

"Like I care." Typical Jessica comment, outward beauty is ALL that counts in her book. Thankfully I was spared from her going into further depth in her fantasies because we had reached Emmett's house. It was obvious which one it was because the music was so fucking loud, it could probably be heard across town.

We went inside and were immediately surrounded by other girlfriends and guys who were just hoping to get lucky. Honestly, guys had no class anymore, they just went for it from the beginning. We hadn't even gotten drinks in our hands yet!

I refused the red cup that was offered to me. Like I was going to try that shit? Who knows what they put in there. I opted for an empty red cup and filled it with water. No one would be paying enough attention to see that I didn't have real alcohol in my cup and I didn't really feel like being fucked with by some guy who would take advantage of my lack of judgment.

Then the party REALLY started. Everyone was tipsy, with the exception of me, and decided to start dancing in the middle of the living room. I never was a good dancer but everyone here would be too drunk to remember my embarrassing moves so it didn't really matter. Eventually things got really rowdy and everyone was grinding up against each other. I was laughing, sandwiched in between Jessica and Angela, singing along with the song and really getting into it when I noticed Edward sitting on the couch sipping away at his drink.

Fuck. Every time it seemed like I was having fun, he just had to show up and ruin my mood. I wasn't sure if I wanted to confront him at the party or not. After all, he had blown me off earlier, and I really wanted to rip his head off. So I decided I would fuck with him a little bit. He was probably half-drunk anyway and I really wanted to even the score.

So after the song finished, I told Jessica and Angela I needed a little break and they kept dancing as I squished my way off the makeshift dance floor. I picked my red cup up again and walked up to Edward on the couch. Because it was empty except for him, I took the seat next to him and positioned my body towards him. I took a sip, nonchalantly, and said,

"So how was the rest of your afternoon? Because you _obviously_ had more important things to do than learning Biology." And I couldn't stop myself. I could not stop the pent up rage from seeping on through so I kept going, "Just a fun little fact about Biology that I forgot to mention earlier, if you wanted to learn more about the digestive system and how excrement leaves the body, and you typed in asshole on Google search, you know what picture would probably pop up first? Yours."

Okay, so it was cheesy and stupid. But I hope it had some affect. I always got mad at people but never expressed it in words. So for my first attempt, I was pretty pleased with myself. Until I realized Edward Cullen was trying to muffle a laugh again, which means I miserably failed at trying to be an ass. Fuck me. I couldn't hurt people's feelings for my life and by trying to even the score, I had just utterly embarrassed myself once more.

_Okay, so I've never done an illegal substance… so I know weed doesn't probably really make you jittery but whatever… just a story right? Ha ha. Reviews are great!_


	3. Blown Off

_Another chapter :) I am skipping studying for chemistry to do this :) Yay for screwing school! Just kidding, "school is important kids."_

EPOV

Wow. I just fucking laughed. She could really use some lessons on how to be an ass, and because I was the expert, I had no problem giving the first one to her.

"Bella, just a fun little fact about Biology that _I_ forgot to mention earlier, did you know that during a woman's menstruation period, she can be SO much more irritable?"

All she did was fucking blush! From what I had seen of her earlier, she didn't seem so shy but that blush gave it away. She was really timid. But maybe I pissed her off so much she just couldn't help herself around me. Help herself from being angry that is. The normal reaction I usually got from girls was for them to throw, no FLING, themselves at me. I wasn't an expert on looks but I was pretty sure chicks found me attractive.

Somewhere during my reflection of all the horror stories I had with girls following me around, I noticed that Bella's blush had turned from embarrassment to anger. Her face wasn't red because she was embarrassed anymore, she was fucking pissed. And she was hyperventilating like crazy! I hate to admit it, but I was a little fucking scared.

"What's your PROBLEM? Why do you have to be such an ass? You DON'T EVEN KNOW ME. Don't you want to graduate from high school? You need to pass Biology and all I was doing was trying to help you…"

And I kinda stopped listening right there. It wasn't because I didn't care and was trying to zone her out, but she broke me. She didn't know it, but in that moment she reminded me of everything I had tried for so long to push back. My dad… my mom, the way she cared for me unconditionally no matter how much of a dick I was. Bella just reminded me so much of Esme in that moment that I couldn't deny her. She _wanted_ to help me and I _wanted_ to make my mom proud. Ever since my dad died, Esme had become oversensitive and played along with my every whim. But somehow, she had also become more distant. It wasn't because she didn't love me, it was because she loved me too much to let her constant grief for my dad drag me down too.

I finally was brought back to the loud noise of Emmett's living room, and Bella waving her arm in front of me.

"Edward? Hello, are you there?" Her face looked like something between concern and annoyance.

"What? Yeah. Sorry, I'm just really… tired." I made up an excuse. No one knew about my dad except Jasper and I definitely wasn't going to spill my guts to Bella.

"So, Monday?"

"Yeah, sure." I had no idea what the hell I was agreeing to but I couldn't refuse, her face looked so hopeful in that moment that I couldn't hurt her.

BPOV

I spent the rest of the weekend doing my homework and planning a lesson. I almost laughed at myself, planning a lesson for Edward Cullen! He was definitely tipsy, probably drunk, when he agreed to another lesson, or rather, the FIRST lesson, on Monday. I was a little surprised but also smug too. He rejected every other tutor but he had said yes to me. Yes to me! I couldn't help but smile at myself foolishly while cooking dinner for Charlie. And then I began thinking, maybe Edward Cullen wasn't so much of an ass after all… maybe he was genuinely good?

I fell asleep Sunday night thinking of how the lesson would start. It was definitely going to be awkward but I couldn't help but be excited.

Monday. Enough said. School always felt like eternity on Mondays and I could never quite focus. Usually it was because the weekend had just ended but now I had something new on my mind. Edward. I was thinking of exactly what I would say when I walked into the tutoring room when the bell rang, signaling the end of last period, and I got up eagerly to head towards the tutoring room. When I got there, I stopped for a second to make sure my hair was in place and my shirt wasn't riding up and my jeans weren't bunched up and yes, I even checked my breath. I opened the door quickly, eager to start, and noticed Edward hadn't come yet. So I went back to the same table he had been sitting at Friday and took a seat. I got out my materials ready to begin and waited.

Half a fucking hour. That's how long I waited. And that's how long it took me to realize that Edward had been an ass, was an ass, and would always be an ass. Ms. Wolf told me I could leave and I stormed out of the room, fuming. I really needed to hit something right now, specifically, Edward Cullen. There was no way I was going to wait until tomorrow afternoon for him to show up. I would just have to confront him in the lunch room sitting with all his drugged-out friends probably talking about the inflation on weed. Needless to say, he wouldn't leave lunch tomorrow in one piece. I was PISSED.

EPOV

I spent the rest of the weekend watching TV with my mom. Even though I really felt the urge to smoke, I never did it at home, and never near my mom. If she found out, well honestly, I have no idea what she would do. She wouldn't be mad, because it would bring back too many memories for her to be mad. She probably would just die of grief right on the spot. I don't think she could risk losing the most important thing in her life, again.

I was so thankful Monday came around because I could finally smoke after school at the spot. I vaguely remembered promising Bella I would do something on Monday but I was so drunk by that point that she couldn't have taken my agreement seriously. I figured she was expecting me after school in the tutoring room. Though I hadn't changed my mind about getting Biology help, I figured I could just stop in and tell her to go home and not waste her fucking time. I was an ass, but I felt bad blowing her off again so I would do that much.

But that promise never crossed my mind after lunch. My head became so clouded and everything in my sight even looked a little red to me. I was pissed at Mike Newton. What a douche! I was sitting with Jasper at a table when he came up to us and asked us how our "Auntie Mary" was doing. He was trying to score some weed and Jasper and I had made a pact never to give him any again. Last time we had made a _business transaction_ he had fucking gone around school telling everyone he had weed and had bought it from us. He couldn't fucking keep his mouth shut and Chief Swan ended up visiting both our homes with search warrants. I had to flush that stash down the toilet. And it was a good one too. So I wasn't going to make that mistake again. I was going to tell him to fuck off when he all of sudden got really frustrated and just _had_ to say the one thing that could piss me off.

"C'mon, don't think I'll end up like your dad do ya? I'm not _that _stupid."

I don't know how Mike fucking Newton had gotten that information but it was the last straw. I got up from the table and shoved my chair back roughly. I took two big fistfuls of his god-damn preppy polo shit, I mean shirt, and banged him against the cafeteria wall.

"Don't you ever fucking talk about my dad again."

"Or what? Going to tell your mommy?"

I was so angry I wasn't even thinking straight. And I punched him, hard, in the stomach. Then I punched him again, harder, in the face. Because there was no way I was going to leave without mutilating his face. And then I heard the satisfying noise of his nose cracking and blood spurt out everywhere. I let Jasper pull me off him and drag me out the double doors to the forest.

We went to the spot. My knuckles were bleeding but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Jasper didn't say anything. He just handed me a joint and we drifted off into space together. A solid three hours of smoking weed later, when I was almost, ALMOST forgetting what had made me so angry, I remembered something. Something about Bella. And then I really remembered. I was supposed to tell her to go. But it had already been half an hour so she probably had left anyway. I argued with myself a little whether I should try to approach her tomorrow in school on Tuesday to say sorry or some shit like that or just never talk to her again. I figured she hated my guts by now and I wouldn't have to say anything.

As I was walking to my car, the anger that was subsiding started being replaced by some new feeling. It wasn't until I was out of the school parking lot that I realized I felt a little disappointed. At what? I wasn't really sure. Maybe I _did _want to see Bella again. After all, she was pretty damn cute. But she was also pretty damn angelic too. I had never been a perfect kid, never would be. I was a low life, druggie, and complete douche. There was no way things could work out between us, or even if they did, I would never be able to justify having a girl as good as her. I would just weigh her down.

Like my dad. I loved both my parents but I couldn't come to forgive my dad for what he had done. He had taken Esme's heart without her permission and had slowly weathered her down till she was trapped with him. It wasn't hostile or anything, but my mom deserved better. And my dad had known. But he just used her, fed off her fire to keep him alive while making her own dwindle. Don't get me wrong, he loved her, more than anything, but he hadn't deserved her. But he took her anyway and was selfish enough to break her heart. He failed her, he failed us… Even after his fucking death he still was sucking the life out of her, and I couldn't do anything to make it better.

_S__o what happened to Edward's dad? Well, that will come later on so don't worry about it ;) Reviews are great and shout out to all my Twilight lovers out there and reviewers and PMers and favoriters and story alerters :) I am totally squealing with happiness every time i get an email coming from fanfiction!  
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	4. Snuggle and Shove

_Another chapter. I wrote this quickly without knowing where i was going so maybe not the best. but hope you like it!_

BPOV

It was Tuesday. Day after Monday. Enough said. But school went by pretty quickly before lunch because I couldn't wait to get into the cafeteria and rip Edward's head off. Literally. I was still just as pissed.

Although, I had gotten a couple laughs in Government when I saw Mike Newton's face. It just looked, well, like shit. Every time I pictured his face in my head I couldn't stop myself from laughing out loud. It was finally time that someone put him into his place and took him off that high horse of his. He was always chasing what he couldn't have, including me, and there was no way I was going to feel pity for his broken nose.

Then lunch came around. And I actually started getting nervous. Because of course I was one of those people who could be angry with the wrath of a million PMSing girls, (yeah, Edward. Aren't you happy I learned something?) but never say a word or even twitch when I was feeling it. Then I let out a big sigh. There was no way I was going to be able to yell at Edward Cullen in front of the whole lunch room so either I confronted him alone or not at all.

And somehow, a couple minutes later, I ended up hiding in an empty classroom with the lights off just waiting for Edward to walk by. I knew Edward would walk by because he had history before lunch and he would have to pass this hallway. I knew he had history because, like the stalker I am, just a little, I had gotten his schedule from Ms. Wolf and was ready to pounce on my prey when it went by.

Finally, an hour later, okay, so only a couple minutes later, but when you're in a dark room bored out of your mind it can feel like an hour, I saw Edward coming down the hall. I was getting ready to drag him into the room when I noticed Jessica walking right next to him laughing. Laughing her flirting laugh. The fake one to seem like she was interested when all she was interested in was getting into his pants.

Damn her. I couldn't do it. I couldn't just pull him into the room with her right next to him and honestly, I didn't want to anymore. I was feeling betrayed. Alright, so I kinda expected it from Jessica because she had a one track mind no matter who her friends were interested in or if the guy wasn't available, but Edward? Really? I knew he used girls all the time but I thought maybe, I don't know, he'd keep it in his pants just for a while?

Once they passed the hallway, and rounded a corner, I closed the door and bolted it. I needed to be alone. I slid down, my back to the door, and started crying. I wasn't sure what for. I mean, Edward and I weren't even friends but somehow, I felt like I had been cheated. And it sucked.

EPOV

Okay, so I was leaving history when Jessica all of a sudden popped up in front of me, blocking my way to the door being the bitch she is, and started talking really fast. I mean really fast. I even had to tell her to slow down, it wasn't like she was bidding off some collector's item or anything. And then she started talking about Bella.

"You know, I really think she likes you. She doesn't know it yet but I can see it. You should try and be a little nicer to her Edward. And she's… innocent. So don't fuck with her. Or I'll fuck with you."

Did Jessica really just say that? Like she could hurt me. But then again, there was a double meaning in those words. She meant fuck me up, like I had done to Mike Newton, but she also meant fuck me, like ride me senseless. Needless to say, Jessica was a shameless girl.

As she was blabbering on some more down the hallway to the cafeteria, I noticed some movement behind one of the empty classroom doors. I swear I saw a backpack, the same exact one as Bella's and I was curious. I decided I would follow Jessica to lunch and pretend to go sit with Jasper just to get her to fuck off, but then I would come back and investigate. After all, lunch was fucking boring as hell and there was no way I was going to eat cafeteria "food."

Once I got rid of Stanley I nodded at Jasper and walked away. It's not like he cared where I was going so he didn't bother to follow. I then retraced my steps back to where I had seen the movement and tried to open the door of the classroom.

It was locked. Strange… I swear someone had been in there. I was about to go back to lunch when the door opened.

BPOV

Oh. My. God. This could NOT be happening. Of all the freaking people who could find me blotchy-eyed and teary it HAD to be Edward Cullen. The one person I was crying about! Then he did something I wasn't expecting. He didn't say anything or leave. He just closed the door behind him and hugged me. Fucking hugged me. And started rubbing my back, soothingly.

And I almost forgot why I had been crying. And I almost forgot why I had been so angry at him before. Oh right. Because he blew me off. Then I let him have it.

"Get your hands off me!" I roughly shoved his hands away and sniffled again. Fucking crying, made your nose runny as hell and didn't help my angry act one bit.

"What the hell? Bella, are you okay?"

"No. You blew me off yesterday. Of course I'm not okay."

"Is that why you're crying?"

Yes. That is exactly why I am crying. Because I was hoping there was some little chance that you might actually be interested in me and like me despite our complete differences and ugh. No I didn't tell him that. Of course not.

"No. I'm just having a… bad day."

"Okaaay. Want to talk about it?"

EPOV

So I knew I was being supersensitive here and probably fucking scary because I was asking Bella about her feelings, but I couldn't help it. The way her wet curls, because of her tears, fell across her face. She reminded me of Esme. And I couldn't have Esme crying. And I couldn't have Bella crying. I just would not allow it.

Then I remembered Newton. I vaguely remembered seeing him in the halls following her, trying to grope her ass sometimes so I decided I would tell her about his fucked up situation. Maybe it would cheer her up to know another asshole like me was getting what he deserved.

"Have you seen Mike Newton today?"

And she just burst out laughing. She was laughing so hard her body was shaking and she sank down to the floor trying to regain her breath. I swore I even heard her snort a couple of times. Okay, so not the reaction I was expecting. But anything was better than Bella crying.

Once she regained her breath, she made an attempt to talk but still was laughing so I had to wait a little while longer till she really regained her breath. And she said:

"So, you've seen his face too? It looks pretty bad. I just wish I could shake the person's hand who did it and thank them. He got what he deserved."

So I couldn't restrain myself, I stuck out my hand waiting for her to shake it.

"It's okay Edward. I forgive you for not shaking my hand the first time tutoring. I wasn't expecting much. That's not why I was crying, if that's what you were thinking."

And I just chuckled. Because she had it all wrong. She though I was trying to make up for last Friday but really, I was waiting for her gratitude for fucking Mike Newton up.

"No. This is for fucking up Mike Newton. You _did_ say you wanted to shake the hand that did the deed. The very hand to be exact."

And at that moment, I turned my hand over, just in case she didn't believe me, so she could see my knuckles. They were still a bit swollen and red and her jaw just dropped open. She hesitantly brought her hand up to mine and let her soft fingers slide over the palm of my hand and I could swear I felt some type of shock. It made me wince a little but it was probably just the pain of a fracture in one of my knuckles. Fucking Newton.

_Okay. so i kinda left it there because i actually have other work to do ;) Once again, shout out to all my fellow Twilight lovers and people who actually give my story the time of day! 3 Plus... if anyone has any ideas about where this should go please feel free to send me a message. I don't know where it's going but I will definitely figure it out but if anyone has any suggestions or things they would really want to see incorporated let me know :) Plus... thanks for the reviews!!!! Now I've resorted to squealing AND jumping up and down for joy!_


	5. An Epiphany?

_Once again. Not a really long chapter but hope you enjoy. This time I was skipping math to do this :) Plus, Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer... which I forgot to mention last time...  
_

BPOV

"Thanks for cheering me up," but really for choosing me over Jessica Stanley. I mean, who in their right mind would refuse her? With that body?!?

"No problem. Anything else I can do for you?"

Other than kiss me senseless… not really. Because I realized in that moment, when he quirked his eyebrow at me, that I had a hopeless teenager crush on Edward. And I had a feeling it just wasn't going to go away.

"Help me up." Well, yes – I _could_ get up on my own but I needed to feel Edward's body again. And what do you know? The same weird feeling was there. Like I was being shocked, but in a good way and I couldn't help but goofishly smile.

"Thanks." I turned around to open the door to leave, but Edward just put his hand on the door, keeping it shut, and said:

"Bella, there's something I need to ask you."

EPOV

I wasn't really sure what I was doing but I was definitely torn up inside. Half of me was saying just walk away and leave the girl fucking alone, but then my other half, of _course _the devil had to has his say in things too, was telling me to go for it. And of _course_, I listened to the devil.

So I put my other hand on the door, squishing Bella between the door and my body and I took a couple steps closer. Not wanting to freak her out, I kept a good six inches away from her face and asked her:

"Will you tutor me again?"

I wasn't sure if I was asking her because I wanted to actually pass Biology and graduate, or if I just wanted to have an excuse to spend more time with her. Either way, I just wasn't going to admit to that because I was too big of a pussy.

And just for good measure, I threw in a crooked smile, which usually does the trick, but her face just turned from shock to angst, as if I was causing her pain. So I quickly withdrew the smile. I wasn't sure what it had done, but it definitely didn't have the usual effect.

Or did it? Because in that moment, Bella answered yes and I couldn't help but smile again.

BPOV

Damn that smile. I was about to say no with some sharp comment about his disregard for promptness but that smile did it for me. There was no way I could refuse that smile, so I defeatedly answered yes.

Despite my surrender, I was feeling pretty giddy. He _wanted_ me to tutor him and suddenly, I wasn't so jealous anymore.

"Um, so after school today?"

"Yeah, sure."

And now it was just awkward because Edward was almost completely squished up against me and was keeping the door closed. So what now? I wanted to hug him again as a silent "Thank you for everything" and secretly, just to feel more of him, but that would just be too weird. I didn't want to leave, but the situation was getting impossibly more awkward by the second so I either had to say something or duck under Edward's arm to get out. Of course I chose option one. I was hopeless, there was no way I could leave…

"So why did you hit Newton?"

EPOV

That handshake did it for me. Stanley had a brain the size of a pea so I didn't completely believe her when she told me Bella had a thing for me, but there was no way of denying how I felt for her. The second time our hands touched I felt the shock again, and I had used my good hand this time so I was fairly sure that it wasn't the fracture.

Shit. What was I going to do? Bella was supposed to tutor me now and I would just have to push those feelings back. If I let them out, who knows what would happen? I'm not really sure she felt the same way towards me and I wasn't willing to find out.

Bella was one of those people who you just couldn't be an ass to without feeling sorry for it later. And if I ever got involved with her and hurt her, I would never forgive myself. Never. Because there was no way I could live with myself if I fucked up something so perfect. And I was pretty good at fucking up.

Plus, my reputation with girls was shaky. They had always been empty, meaningless affairs constituting of one night stands. I had never been in a real relationship before so I wasn't sure how to do it. If Bella wanted one, she would have to take the lead because I would die before I ever hurt her, I would never forgive myself if I ever saw her crying like that because of me.

Then she brought me back from my thinking and I realized I was still keeping her pinned against the door. I decided to back off a bit and took a deep sigh. She had asked me about Newton. Which just wouldn't do. And just like that, I lied to her… well, I just didn't tell the whole truth.

"He was pissing me off."

And I felt like shit for doing it. I had the urge just to almost blurt the truth out to her but I couldn't do that. She wouldn't understand, and I didn't want her to see me like that, all fucking depressed and shit.

Plus, I wasn't sure if Bella was aware of my _controlled substance_ tendencies and I didn't want to clue her in because I had a feeling she just wouldn't like that.

And because things were starting to get awkward, I slowly dropped my hands and opened the door without saying a word. I held it open for her because I thought she might like that, and followed her silently out of the room.

BPOV

I was about to say something like, "Later," when we were leaving the room but I just didn't get that far. I had forgotten to pick my backpack off the ground after my laughing fit and I tripped on one of the straps.

_Fuck_. I fell straight onto my outstretched hands to avoid smashing my face into the floor and heard the horrifying sound of my wrist snapping, specifically, my left one. I knew it was my left because I felt a shooting pain go up my left arm and just started mentally cursing all the gods I could think of.

I had a couple of tears rolling down my cheeks because of the immense pain, but I managed to roll myself onto my back and sit up.

In that moment, Edward was kneeling beside me and said:

"Shit, Bella. What did you do?"

I knew what I had done but I was having trouble forming a coherent sentence because when he said those words, his sweet breath brushed my face and kinda knocked me back a little.

"Uh…I think I, broke my wrist."

Then Edward got this concerned look on his face, kind of maternal in a way, really sweet, and gently lifted my wrist to inspect it.

"What are you doing?" I asked questioningly. As much as I liked Edward's close proximity, I needed the nurse to check me out, not Edward. Although, Edward was free to check me out in other ways….

"Yup. Definitely a fracture."

"And how would you know that?"

"Because Esme is a nurse and I've learned a thing or two from spending time at the hospital."

And just like that, Edward wiped my tears with his finger from my face, just leaving a burning sensation in their wake, and lifted me up into his arms, carrying me down the hall, leaving my stupid backpack in the doorway.

And despite the dull, constantly nagging pain in my wrist, I actually felt kinda happy in Edward's arms, for once in my life, actually content with my situation. Because my body may not have been in one piece, but, for once, my heart definitely was. And for once, I felt whole.

And I decided to bask in it.

_I'm just going to keep telling you guys how much I love you and totally freak out with every new person who actually reads and likes my story! It makes me so happy I can't stop smiling. Seriously. My dad thinks I'm crazy :) Which is probably true, but anyways... reviews are great!_


	6. Hostile Hospital

_Okay, so I'd like to address some questions and comments posted in the reviews. First of all, Twilight and all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer... anywayyy, Carlisle IS Edward's dad. But in my story, Carlisle is dead for reasons unknown as of right now. Plus, I understand that Edward just hasn't had much drug relapsing moments since the beginning but I've just been so caught up in Bella and Edward that I kinda forget to add parts like that. So I'll try and squish some here and there when I can because it will probably play a bigger role later *hint, hint*. But this chapter doesn't have any either._

_Enjoy!_

EPOV

I thought of a million ways to justify why I had picked Bella up, it's not like she had broken her leg or anything, she could still _walk_. And I realized, that when people saw what I was doing, they would think something was going on between Bella and me and would probably start talking. I never cared what people said, so I wouldn't be bothered by the shit going around, but Bella might be, so I gave her a look, silently asking if this was okay. If _we_ were okay.

And she just looked back, as determined as ever. I think she was trying to give a face like "I don't give a fuck," but only managing to look like a child having a temper tantrum. Needless to say, it made me chuckle inside because I decided laughing at her would just make her pissed.

We finally reached the nurse's office and I had to put her down, _gently _of course, to open the door. While I was opening the door, I swear a look came across her face that was almost… disappointed?

So she was bummed because I had to put her down? Maybe Jessica Stanley wasn't a complete moron after all. And as I followed Bella into the small room, I smiled at how much the situation fit our relationship. I had already broken her once at the party, like her wrist, and just like she was walking through the nurse's door first, I would let her lead.

BPOV

He put me down. *Mental pout* Unfortunately, we had reached the nurse's office and Edward needed to put me down in order to open the door. God damn doors.

The nurse told me everything I already knew, or _felt_ to be exact, and told me I would need to go to the hospital for x-rays and a cast. She told me I could go after school but I had no idea how I was going to get there because I couldn't drive with a broken wrist and Charlie worked long hours, being Police Chief of Forks was a tough job with a whopping _zero_ crime rate. Which reminded me of the time that Charlie had had to visit Edward's house. He never told me why, but I could just assume it had to do with his slightly less than legal interests.

The nurse gave me a concerned and expectant look, I wasn't sure why, but I think she wanted me to answer a question and I just hadn't been listening. So she asked again:

"Bella, honey, do you want me to bring you down to the hospital after school today?"

Then Edward straightened up, cleared his throat, and I threw him an amused look. What in the world was he doing?

"Ms. Stuart, I don't think that will be necessary. Esme, as you know, is a nurse at the hospital, and I'd be more than happy to take Bella myself so as not to inconvenience you."

Woah. Alone in the car with Edward, who apparently, would be more than happy. I _definitely_ liked that idea.

"Thanks Ms. Stuart, but I'll be fine, Edward can take me."

I then tried to get up from the bed I had been sitting on when I put pressure on both my hands to push myself up, and felt the shooting pain again through my wrist. My good hand reflexively flew to my left one and I whimpered.

The nurse looked really concerned because obviously, she was new to my clumsiness, but Edward just nodded his head in disapproval and… amusement? He was definitely inwardly laughing at me! And it was quite obvious in his eyes which were lit up with glee.

He then silently put his hand out for mine and helped me up with my GOOD hand. And the sparks were still there… maybe it was pain-driven delusions causing me to feel it, but I didn't mind one bit. We silently exited the room and once we were completely out, Edward said:

"You know, this means we can't have a tutoring lesson today."

"Edward, it's only a broken wrist, not an aneurism. My _brain_ still works fine." And he gave me a questioning look that just made me want to punch his arm. Now he was making in fun of my intelligence _too_? And besides, Edward didn't know this, but it wasn't the first time I had broken a bone. After five, I had simply stopped counting.

"Yeah, but by the time they take x-rays and outfit you with a cast, it'll already be late. We can have our first _real_ lesson tomorrow. Today will be like… orientation."

And with that crooked smile, I just couldn't refuse, so I answered him with a lame, "yeah," and we split for our afternoon classes.

The rest of the day went by slowly, dreadfully slowly. It was because I was in pain. Except there were two different pains now, wrist pain, and Edward pain. Time just seemed to go by excruciatingly slower without him around.

We hadn't decided where we would meet afterschool, and I figured it would be sketchy if I waited at his car because I shouldn't know which one that is, so I settled on waiting at the entrance doors.

I was kinda starring out into space when I heard someone call my name. Jessica. And her look told me everything I needed to know, she wanted me to spill it about Edward.

"So, Bella, what's the deal with you and Cullen? I heard you were caught making out during lunch in the janitor's closet!"

Yup. I was right. She wanted to know _everything _and it didn't help that there were already ridiculous and absurd rumors going around. So I decided to give her an answer she just couldn't refuse,

"I'll call you later?"

"Okay. Can't wait! Bye!"

I was about to say bye back but frankly, I was a little pissed off, and she had already scampered off after Newton, so I didn't say anything.

Edward came out of the doors then, looking like a freaking _god_ from the Heavens, and led the way to his car silently. He unlocked the doors and got in. I followed and put on my seatbelt. It didn't escape my attention that he turned the car on, backed out, exited the parking lot, and drove off, without ever putting his seatbelt on.

"You know, you should really wear your seatbelt. I'm the Chief's daughter, remember?"

And Edward just chuckled. He slipped his seatbelt on while muttering some comment about how something else would kill him before a car crash ever did.

Then my body did something REALLY embarrassing. My stomach growled. Fucking _growled_. And Edward just laughed. I had forgotten I had skipped lunch because of the little incident and it was suddenly catching up to me.

"Hungry much? That's okay. There's food at the hospital but I warn you, it tastes like shit." And he just laughed, AGAIN. Way to go Edward, laughing at my bodily functions which I can't control. _Major_ self-esteem boost.

As I was thinking back on what happened earlier, I remembered asking Edward why he had punched Newton. Don't get me wrong, I was happy, no, _ecstatic_ that he had done it, but I was genuinely curious as to why. And it was pretty obvious he was keeping something from me because a big crease formed in his forehead as he gave his response, disrupting his angelic features. So I decided I would ask again.

EPOV

"So why did you _really_ hit Mike Newton?"

Fuck. She knew I had been lying. In that moment, I had a complete mental freak-out session trying to think of what the fuck I was going to tell her. I just decided I would tell her the truth, it was easier than lying and I wouldn't feel like shit after.

"He was talking shit about my dad."

BPOV

Now _I _was being the complete ass. I had brought up his dad, which no one knew anything about, but I assumed it as like that for a reason. I felt so sorry I couldn't help but say it.

"Sorry."

"It s'okay."

And we were quiet the rest of the ride because I had fucked up big time. The car finally stopped in a space and I looked up to see a big brick building with four wings that looked like a hospital because it had one of those red cross signs.

We silently got out of the car, Edward locked the doors, and we walked into the hospital.

EPOV

I finally regretted bringing Bella to the hospital. It wasn't because of what had happened in the car, that was nothing, she didn't know, and she seemed genuinely sorry after.

It was the hospital that I regretted. And hated. It was where I had my last memories of him, lying pale and lifeless on one of the emergency room beds. The room had been impossibly white, fittingly lacking life just as so many of its occupants, one of which had been my dad. But I pushed it all back because we had approached the front desk and I had to find Esme so she could help Bella so I could get the fuck out of here.

"Hey, Nancy. I was wondering if you could page Esme, if she isn't busy, to come check Bella here, out?"

"Sure Edward, just one moment… okay, she's on her way."

And what do you know? Two minutes later Esme was busting through a set of doors, walking very determinedly, and came to a sudden halt a couple of feet away from me. I wasn't sure, but it looked like she was inspecting me to see if something was wrong. Then she all of a sudden rushed into me, almost fucking knocking me down, and gave me a big hug and a kiss on the forehead.

"Oh, Edward! I thought when I got paged, something had happened to you! Thank God you're okay!"

My mom always overreacted. I guess you could say she was kinda paranoid, but she had the right to be, after all she had been through.

"Mom, I'd like you to meet Bella. Bella, this is my mom, Ms. Cullen."

"Oh Edward, _please_. Call me Esme dear. Oh my, your wrist! It's the size of a balloon!"

Way to go mom. Embarrass Bella by mentioning how grotesques her hand looks… And all Bella did was give a timid hello, blush, and look at the fucking floor.

"Well, don't just stand there, follow me and we'll have you fixed up in no time."

Every step of the way, I stuck with Bella. And let me tell you, there were A LOT of steps. When she was finally ready to go home, it was already six and I remembered she hadn't eaten anything this whole time. So I decided I would ask her if she wanted to go out to dinner. Not as a date or anything, just because hospital food was _really_ crappy, _trust me_.

So as we exited through the hospital's main entrance doors, I asked her as nonchalantly as I could, if she wanted to grab a bite to eat. With me.

_Thanks sooooooooo much for all the love and crazy talk! I almost feel, dare I say it, normal? *Gasp* Because unlike Edward, I don't need Auntie Mary to get high, I have all my wonderful and awesome reviews and reviewers and fellow Twilight lovers. :) You make me swell up in happiness... like a balloon!_


	7. Half Baked

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Plus, please never feel like you're being rude with the comments! That's what the reviews are for and they only help me get better! So i will incorporate stuff in reviews but maybe not in immediate next chapters b/c i already have them written sometimes before i read reviews :) But don't worry, i hope to see bitchy Bella again just as much as you do ;)_

_Enjoy!_

BPOV

I _was_ pretty hungry for food, and for Edward, so I said, why the heck not? It was Tuesday, and I had a ton of homework to do, but people like Edward didn't just ask me out everyday. So I said yes. And I called Charlie to let him know I would be at Jessica's because he would freak if he ever knew I was with a guy, _especially_ Edward Cullen.

And at that, Edward just gave me a questioning look and I told him,

"Nothing personal, Edward. But Charlie already has high blood pressure, no need to make it worse."

He just shrugged it off and asked,

"So where do you want to eat?"

"Umm. The closest place is the diner but Charlie's friends will be there so that's not an option. And there isn't anything until Port Angeles so maybe another time? It's Tuesday and I've already wasted so much of your day, maybe you should just drop me off at school so I can pick up my truck."

Of course I didn't want to _leave_ Edward, but he had already spent the day with my pathetic self and I'm sure he had better things to do…

"Are you kidding? Your stomach's been growling for hours now and it sound like it's just about ready to get revenge unless you feed it soon. That's okay, I know a good place. And there's no fucking way you're driving in your condition."

Hah. So Edward wanted to _spend_ more time with me. So despite my blushing because of my stupid bodily functions, I couldn't help but throw Edward a smile.

EPOV

So maybe I was crossing a line. Bella didn't know it yet, but I was going to take her to my house. I figured I could just make us some dinner and bring her home nice and fed. After all, Esme's never-ending shifts had taught me how to fend for myself and cook a thing or two. Nothing extravagant or from scratch, but I could manage pasta and meat balls. Hopefully Bella wasn't a vegetarian? To try and figure that out, I decided to ask her what her favorite food was.

"So what's your favorite food?"

"If I said ice cream, would that count?"

And I just chuckled. Figures. Bella _would_ like something childish that didn't even count as real food. But I couldn't help but feel excited because I remembered Esme had stocked up the freezer this past weekend with a lifetime supply of Ben and Jerry's all flavor ice creams. Let's just say what weed did for me, ice cream did for Esme. It soothed her and made her minutely more happy so I wasn't complaining.

We finally got to the trail off the main road which marked the beginning of my driveway and went down the bendy drive.

I parked the car in front of the garage and looked at Bella.

No, I _really_ looked at Bella. I was going to ask if my house was okay, but I kinda got lost in Bella's face. Her eyes were wide with curiosity and her lips, that looked fucking delicious, were slightly parted as if she were about to say something.

I had to reluctantly blink and snap myself out of my trance to fill Bella in on what the fuck was going on.

"This is my house," I paused to gauge her reaction but she kept her face emotionless so I kept going. "I thought we could just eat here? I know how to cook, a little…"

BPOV

NO WAY. Edward wanted to cook for me? He had NO idea what he was doing to me! Such a nice gesture and I could only smile, nod, and follow him out of the car and into his house.

_Edward's_ house. I didn't know how relationships usually worked, but I'm pretty sure it took some time to escalate to the in-each-other's-houses phase. Which made me feely all giddy inside because that meant we were that much farther in whatever our relationship was.

His house was beautiful. And after meeting Esme today, I realized that anything even remotely _related_ to Edward was beautiful.

Edward just led me into his kitchen silently and suddenly turned, right beyond the entry-way. I embarrassingly bumped into him and he caught me before I could fall back with a tight grip on both my arms. I bit my lip and looked up at him to see if he was annoyed or angry, but he just smiled. I was amusing him, _yet again_.

"So Bella… do you eat meat?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Spaghetti and meatballs?"

And I just snorted. I could do WAY better than that and I couldn't wait to show off my cooking expertise to Edward.

"How about _I_ cook and _you_ watch?"

"And what can _you_ cook that is better than spaghetti and meatballs?"

"Chicken parm," I said matter-of-factly.

And right after the words rolled off my tongue, Edward gave this look of desperation, of longing, of _need_. So he _wanted_ chicken parm. And I couldn't help just feeling all giddy inside all over again.

"Okay," he said defeatedly, but I knew from his eyes that he would have picked chicken parm over spaghetti and meatballs any day.

So Edward gave me what I needed and I put a decent meal together, complete with salad and garlic bread in less than an hour. I was pretty proud of myself.

And Edward looked hungry, even more hungry than I felt, if that was possible. So we ate at his kitchen table pretty silently while scarfing down our food. If anyone saw us, they would think we hadn't eaten in years they way we were shoving it down.

But finally we finished and he repeatedly told me how good I was at cooking and told me he would wash the plates. While he was doing that, I excused myself to the bathroom, which he pointed out to me, because I really had to pee. What would come next, I wasn't really prepared for.

So I relieved myself and washed my hands but I was curious so I couldn't help but look behind the shower curtain where I found nothing out of the ordinary, just some shampoo, conditioner, and soap. Then I looked in the cabinets beneath the sink, and I just froze.

Because stuffed in the middle of every extra roll of toilet paper was a bag of weed, and there were about twenty rolls. I just gaped.

That's when Edward knocked on the door and asked if I was okay.

No. I was _not_ okay. Edward's problem was a lot bigger than I had originally thought. The only reason he would have that much weed was because either he was dealing it or smoking it in _massive_ amounts. Either way, it was _bad_.

Fuck. I needed to compose myself and put on an innocent face. I wasn't sure that Edward would want me to know about his stash and I didn't want to bring it up because, after all, we had only known each other for five days and he might not want to share that with me.

I opened the door, and as hard as I tried to compose myself, I started crying. Crying for Edward. Crying for sweet Esme. And crying because life had to be so fucking unfair all the time.

EPOV

The first thing I saw when she opened the door were the fucking tears again. And they fucking broke me. But I had to keep myself composed so I could find out what the fuck was wrong with her. So I decided I would start by asking.

"Woah, Bella, what's wrong?"

"Do you smoke, a lot?"

What the fuck? What did my habits have to do with anything? And shit, she _knew_?

"Why?"

"Just, do you?"

I decided early on I wouldn't lie. I couldn't.

"Yeah."

And she just started sobbing harder. I didn't know what to do because I wasn't really sure why she was crying and I wasn't sure if my comforting her would help. So did the next best thing.

I went to the kitchen, grabbed the first pint of Ben and Jerry's I saw from the freezer, grabbed two spoons, then went back to Bella. I took her good hand and led her to the couch in front of the T.V. I sat her down, handed her a spoon, and opened the top.

She took one look at the pint's flavor and then just started fucking sobbing harder.

What the fuck? She had said ice cream was her favorite food. What the fuck was wrong with her? Maybe she didn't like the flavor. I took one look – _Half Baked_. And it hit me.

Half. FUCKING. Baked.

_That's_ why she was crying. I assumed she had seen my stash. So I put the ice cream down and took a big fucking breath.

I knew nothing I could say would make things better and I really wanted to tell her I would just stop doing the fucking shit, but I couldn't. I knew I'd be lying to both of us and there was no way I was letting go.

"Sorry," I truly was. Because my problem was causing _her_ pain which just made me more agonized.

I then proceeded to hug her, tightly, and she buried her face into my shoulder. My shirt got all wet but I didn't fucking care. Whatever would make Bella okay again, happy again.

Then after what felt like forever, her sobs slowly became sniffles and she took her forehead away from my shoulder and looked at me. And all I could do was just look back. I had hurt her. _I _had been the cause of her countless tears. And I felt like shit.

As much as I wanted Bella and me to exist, I knew it would have to be either Bella or blazing.

And that decision was just too fucking hard to make, so I decided there would be no decision tonight.

Just me, helping Bella, and Bella, helping me.

_Okay, so people don't put their stashes in such obvious places but let's just say that that's Edward's private bathroom so he doesn't really need to hide anything... :) Reviews are great! Plus, I LOVE that flavor of Ben and Jerry's, just a little side note ;)_

_AND, I blew off Spanish this time for this chapter :)_


	8. High Times

_So Twilight and all character belong to Stephanie Meyer. Plus, I just realized that you can actually reply to reviews so I will try to do that from now on to show how much I love and appreciate you all!!! Um, the title says it all?_

BPOV

Let's just say, his shirt was _pretty_ wet and my eyes were _pretty_ dry and I was _pretty_ sure things were going to get a whole lot more complicated.

But nevertheless, I couldn't pass off good ice cream and I was particularly fond of that flavor. That is, until tonight, when I realized I would never fully enjoy it ever again.

So I removed myself from Edward, _hesitantly_, and grabbed my spoon from the table. The ice cream had started melting but it was still just as creamy and rich and I savored the taste in my mouth. It was really refreshing after all that bitterness that had just happened.

And I decided now would be a good time to come clean about things. We would talk his problem out and I would demand Edward to define our relationship because I wasn't sure if I could handle it being so fuzzy anymore.

That is, until, my cell phone buzzed in my pocket and I jumped a little. I took it out and the screen read 'Charlie.' So I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Bella. _Jessica_ called asking if she could speak with you. And of course, she wouldn't need to call if you were at her house, would she?"

I was _fucked_, that much I knew. How bad, I had no idea. I didn't know how to answer, but thankfully in that moment, Edward pointed to my broken wrist, oh right….

"Well, Ch- dad, I told you I was going to Jessica's because I didn't want you to worry when you found out I actually broke my wrist at school today because I tripped and--"

"Well then, where were you?"

I could hear the annoyance, concern, and disappointment seeping into his voice. Annoyance for my long-winded explanations, concern for my wrist, and disappointment in my failure to tell him the truth.

"Ms. Stuart, the nurse, was nice enough to bring me to the hospital to have me x-rayed and fitted with a cast. Then Ms. Cullen, a nurse at the hospital, offered to take me home but first said she would have to feed me because my blood sugar was low…"

Charlie knew nothing about medicine, that's the only reason it worked,

"That's nice of her. Are you on your way home now though? Or do I have to come pick you up?"

"No, I'll be home soon. No worries. Love you, bye!"

And when I flipped the phone shut, I sank into the couch. CLOSE CALL. No pun intended. And he had actually believed the low blood sugar bullshit. I was safe, for now.

"You were _really_ lucky just now."

"Yeah, I know. I should probably get home before he sends a search party after me."

"Yeah, sure. I'll drive you home. And I'll pick you up for school tomorrow, because you obviously can't drive."

I didn't want Edward going through that much trouble for me but I didn't really have a choice, so I waited for him while he put the ice cream back and followed him silently out the door to his car.

It was chilly, so I was already shivering by the time we sat in his car, and he just handed me his jacket from the back seat which I gratefully put through my arms.

The ride home was fairly quiet until we hit my gravel driveway and things got impossibly more tricky.

Because it was in that moment, that I realized my whole body was completely tense, feeling Edward's presence just radiating from his body towards mine and the same sparks from before filling the car with almost tangible energy and attraction. I wasn't sure if I should just say bye or hug Edward or whatever. But not to worry, Edward was already on that.

EPOV

Once I put the car in park, I finally grasped the intensity of the situation. Bella and me were only feet apart and the small space of the car's cab didn't seem capable of holding all the tension between us.

I wasn't sure what she wanted to do, but I was sure of what I _needed_ to do. I _needed_ to feel her soft lips on mine and I decided it was worth a try. I know I had said I would let her lead, but in this moment, I was overcome by my own selfishness and greed. So I slowly inched my face in closer to Bella's, silently asking and warning with my eyes if this was okay, fucking praying it was, and she just parted her lips ever-so-slightly and gazed into my eyes, willing me to come closer.

So I did. And I teased her a bit, stopping right before our lips touched, and Bella just couldn't wait, so she pushed her lips to mine, pretty fucking forcefully too, and we were kissing.

And it was bliss.

BPOV

I had never kissed a guy before so I wasn't really sure what to do, or even if Edward was enjoying it half as much as I was.

I knew I probably shouldn't have pounced on him right before he was going to kiss me, but I just couldn't wait. I _needed_ his lips at that moment so badly, it was a miracle I didn't just jump out of my seat and over the stupid transmission.

And I felt kinda embarrassed by the feelings raging inside me. Yeah, my heart was pumping, and yeah, my brain wasn't working straight, and yeah, I was experiencing a new hunger that I had never had before. And it had _nothing _to do with food.

Later that night, I tried a million ways to describe it but I couldn't think of a single word great enough or big enough to hold what that kiss had held.

I replayed it in my head when trying to fall asleep. The way Edward's lips had followed mine and the taste of his sweet breath in my mouth…

By the time Edward was ready to end the kiss, because I never would, I had forgotten the time and place, only super-aware of Edward's lips slightly pulling up at the corners into a grin and more aware, that they were pulling away from me.

He had taken a deep breath and just chuckled. I am assuming he was laughing at my face because it probably looked pretty ridiculous. Eyes closed, and the widest grin just plastered on my face.

"Um, I think you better go inside. Charlie's waiting for you."

"Hmm, what? Charlie… CHARLIE!! Oh my god, yeah. See you tomorrow?"

I couldn't help but ask it as a question. I wasn't sure if Edward was just a part of my imagination, too good to be true, or even if he _was _real, if he would still talk to me the next day.

"Yeah."

And with that, I got out of the car, and walked toward the front door. I thought I heard the quiet sound of an automatic window rolling down but kept walking.

"And Bella," oh, so I _had_ heard the window, and I just turned to face him.

"Try not to trip on the stairs."

And with a crooked smile he rolled the silver Volvo's tilted window back up, so I could no longer see his face, and drove off.

Once I got inside, the interrogation started.

"Bella, whose car was that outside?"

"Edward Cullen's."

And I swear Charlie's face turned a darker shade of red when I said his name.

"_Why_ were you in Edward Cullen's car?"

"Because Esme offered me a ride home and Edward was kind enough to bring me." And I thought it would be easier just to share it all at once, so I said,

"Edward will also be picking me up tomorrow morning at Esme's request because I can't drive. You know, he's not as bad as you think. He seems pretty nice, from what I got in the car ride."

I wouldn't tell Charlie how much more than nice I actually thought Edward was—perfect, gorgeous, and impossibly screwed up, because that might actually induce a full-on heart attack.

And with that, I walked up the stairs, careful not to trip for Edward, and hummed all the way to my room, unable to contain my happiness.

Then I remembered Jessica. Ugh, might as well get _that_ over with. So I called her.

"Hello? Bella? Oh my god, you _have_ to tell me everything!" And she squealed.

I was really tempted to squeal along with her but I wasn't sure what was going on between Edward and me or if he would appreciate me telling everyone how far we had gotten. Okay, so it was only a kiss, not even French, but it was the farthest _I _had ever gotten.

"What do you want to know?"

"You can start with what happened at lunch."

"Well, I broke my wrist, he found me, and helped me get to the nurse's office. He then offered to bring me to the hospital afterschool and helped me get a cast."

"That's it?" She seemed kinda disappointed, as if the story was lacking in the juicy department.

"Yeah… pretty much."

"So, do you _like_ him?"

"Yeah, he's not as bad as I thought he was." He was a million times better.

"No, but do you _like_ him like him?"

This is where things got fuzzy. Of course I _liked_ him, but I wasn't willing to tell Jessica that. At least, not yet. So I avoided it.

"I'm not sure. But today, in Government, Mike asked about you, and what you were doing this Friday."

"Really? Tell me _exactly_ what he said."

And I spent a whole hour on the phone with Jessica breaking down the five minutes during which Newton had actually had a decent conversation with me.

And at 10:00, I finally started my homework. It would be a _long_ night, but I didn't mind one bit because a majority of it had been spent with Edward.

When I finally laid my head down to rest at 3:00 am, I assessed the situation.

Tuesday had been an interesting day, to say the least. There were the new developments between Edward and me that neither of us would be able to avoid anymore, and there was his… _habit_ that needed to be addressed too.

But, despite his problem, I couldn't come to like him any less.

EPOV

Fuck. I had kissed Bella. Or more accurately, Bella had kissed me. It wasn't so much the kiss that had surprised me, although she was a pretty fucking fantastic kisser, it was the fact that she had kissed me _after_ learning about my stash.

So she was… okay with it? What the fuck? Just when I thought I had figured her out as the good girl, the Chief's fucking daughter, she surprised me by just fucking accepting my addiction?

And I left that thought unfinished because on the way home, I realized I hadn't smoked at all since Monday, which was only yesterday, but today had been one fucking stressful day and I needed a release fast.

And because the school was on my way home anyway, I decided to stop there and walk out to the spot to get a much needed fix. Anyways, it was a new stash and I was dying to try it out. Literally. I was so fucked up I even had started joking about life and death? Shit.

So after I had parked the car, I got out my flashlight and put my jacket on because it was pretty fucking cold and walked to the spot. After I rolled it up, pretty expertly if you ask me, I lit my joint and took a big puff.

The last thing I remember was nodding my head at the thought of Bella seeing me do this…

And then it was Wednesday. And I was still stoned as fuck. I wasn't sure what had been in the new stash, but it lasted a fucking long time.

And suddenly I dreaded going to school. It wasn't because I cared about being high in class, I had done that shit tons in the past. I was worried about being high in front of Bella. I was afraid of disappointing her, but it wasn't like she didn't _know_. Plus, if we ended up kissing again, I didn't want to be high while doing it. Because I wanted to remember everything clearly, not in a fucking _haze_.

BPOV

I decided I wouldn't confront Edward about his _problem_ until I knew exactly how bad it was and did some research first. I didn't know the first thing about drugs, and all I could remember were the obvious facts from D.A.R.E. class. So, needless to say, I had _a lot_ to learn.

He didn't show up. Edward DID. NOT. SHOW. UP. So I had to be driven by Chief Swan, in the _cruiser,_ to school in front of everyone. It was brutal. But the embarrassment was nothing in comparison to the pain I was feeling from Edward's no-show. I felt inadequate, unimportant, and ignored. And quite frankly, a bit pissed too. I decided I would go all bitchy on him when I had the chance because as much as I liked Edward, he needed to be slapped around a bit. Of course not literally, but if need be, then yes, I would give him a good smack on the head and just ask him "What were you thinking?!?!?"

Wednesday went by pretty quick with all the anticipation building inside me to see Edward again. Even Jessica told me I was fidgeting at the lunch table. I blushed at that but brushed off her questions. I wasn't ready to tell her anything yet.

Finally the last bell rang and I basically sprinted out of the classroom, down the hall, around the corner, to the tutoring room. It was more than an intense power walk and faster than a jog so it was pretty much full-out sprinting. I knew the sensible thing was to avoid acting like a madwoman, but I just couldn't help it. I was excited. But no worries. I was still pissed too, I would let him have a little bit of both my extreme emotions.

I was about to walk into the room when someone lightly tugged on my backpack. So I turned around to see Edward, intensely gazing at the ground.

He didn't look happy. Which made me unravel inside. So I would save my bitchiness for later, because right now, Edward needed something other than criticism.

"Edward, hey, are you okay?" And he just kept starring at the floor with a regretful look on his face. Oh no… he didn't regret the kiss did he? Because I sure as hell didn't.

"Bella, I don't think… I don't think we can have a lesson today."

Now I definitely was crushed.

"Why?"

And at that, Edward gave me a silent response. He only lifted his gaze from the floor to my face, but that was enough.

I could tell he was high because his eyes were vaguely bloodshot, pupils dilated, but most of all, his eyes seemed so lifeless, empty.

"In _school_?" I asked incredulously. Smoking in your free time, okay. During school, not so much.

"No. Yesterday, after I dropped you off. It's just taking a while to… wear off."

And then, I had this absurd notion that my kissing had been so bad he had felt the urge to smoke, but that was just my self-conscious, utterly ridiculous, teenage self talking. Right?

"I'm sorry, Bella. I.. I don't know what to say."

And despite all the anguish he was feeling, and I was feeling for him, I couldn't stop myself from putting my fingers on his cheek and slowly stroking his face. Anything to make the crease in his forehead go away. Anything.

I took a deep sigh. His _problem_ was worse than I had anticipated and I would need to act fast. I could do that, learn fast, act fast. So, to get to my research, I would have to somehow tell Edward it was okay that today was no good and hurry home to my laptop.

"It's okay. Just, get better, okay?"

I meant sober up, but what he probably didn't catch was that I meant sober up, _permanently_.

And Edward silently nodded his head, closed his eyes, and took my hand that was stroking his face and brought it to his lips.

I took a sharp intake of breath. I couldn't help it, the energy was all around us again and it was overwhelming my mind.

He kissed my hand gently, opened his eyes, and moved to my other hand, the one in the cast.

And silently, he just kissed every finger so tenderly, I barely felt his lips, and he gazed into my eyes. Then, without saying a word, he let go, turned, and walked away.

Though I was frozen in place, only one thought went through my mind. _He had let go of me._

_Phew! Longest chapter yet! But totally worth it! Love you all... and I was asked if other characters from Twilight will make appearences.. So I'm not totally sure where chapters go until right before I write them so if they really are essential then maybe, but I might not complicate the story by adding a ton more characters. But I really do love Alice... so maybe her. Ha ha. I'm a pushover too ;)_

_Reviews are awesome! :)  
_


	9. An Ounce of Truth

_Hokay, so Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. I'll say stuff after the chapter, so you can just read right now!_

EPOV

I felt like absolute shit, 100% pure cow turd. Her face had been pleading with me the whole time to just give up the fucking habit but it wasn't that easy. I had been smoking for years now and going cold turkey just was _not_ an option.

BPOV

I finally snapped myself out of it and rushed home. I _had_ to get to my laptop as soon as possible. I had no idea where to start so I just opened a million tabs on Google and searched different things like: marijuana, drug addiction, drug rehab, and such. I spent hours just staring at the screen, trying desperately to find a cure for Edward. Because Edward had already cured me in more ways than one and the least I could do was return the favor.

I finally found something that looked remotely promising and decided I would share it with Edward tomorrow because I just wasn't having any of his drugged up shit.

I silently cooked dinner for Charlie who sensed my down mood and asked me what was wrong. I just told him I had a lot of homework, which was true, to get him off my back.

I washed the dishes and then went to my room to start my stack of homework on my desk, neatly in order of which was due first.

After an hour of hardcore studying to try to pry my mind from Edward, I was about to take a break when the doorbell rang.

Who could be visiting? Maybe there was a game on tonight so maybe it was Billy and Jacob Black. I wasn't expecting who was _really_ at the door.

"Bella," Charlie called from the bottom of the stairs, "Honey, could you come down here please."

So I obediently went half-way down the stairs and froze when I saw Edward standing in the doorway. What was he doing here?

"Bella, Edward _Cullen_ here has informed me that you are tutoring him in Biology and because there is a test tomorrow, he came by to get a little last minute help?"

He made the last word sound like a question, asking incredulously, not believing Edward Cullen could put any effort forth in school. Or actually apply himself to anything.

This was true. There _was_ a test tomorrow in Biology, but I wasn't aware that Edward knew that. I mean, he hadn't shown up to Biology for a solid month, so how would he know something like that?

But who the hell cares? _Edward_ was at _my _house. And I was going to take full advantage of it.

"Yeah. Dad. We'll just be in my room, okay?"

"What's wrong with the kitchen table?"

So he wanted to keep a watch on us? But I just wasn't going to allow that.

"Dad, the T.V. is _really_ distracting."

"Okay," he said defeatedly. There was no way he was going to pass up watching the game, even if that meant allowing a guy into my room, specifically, a _teenage_ guy.

So Charlie turned and walked into the living room, sinking into the couch, while I walked up to Edward, gave him a quick questioning look, closed the door, and just led the way to my room.

My room was messy. It was kinda embarrassing, clothes everywhere. Because ever since I had met Edward, I went through twelve outfits a day trying to put together something remotely acceptable.

But that wouldn't bother me. Because Edward was in my _room_. _My_ room.

And I just felt kinda naughty. I knew we weren't doing anything bad, but a teenage guy in my room, that was pretty scandalous for me.

Then something caught Edward's attention on my desk so while he was looking at it, I subtly closed the door and turned to face him. After all, he was the one who had come over unexpected. I deserved some answers. So I asked.

"Why are you _really_ here?"

Not that I minded one bit….

And all Edward did was pick up some sheets from my desk and angrily turn towards me. Waving the papers, now a little crumpled by his tight grip, he said:

"Bella, what's this?"

I gave one quick glance at the papers and realized they were my printouts of the research I had done about Edward's _condition._

And he dropped the papers, strode across the room determinedly, and gripped my arms harshly. He shook me roughly and asked again,

"Why? WHY?"

And all I could do was let the tears roll down my cheeks. I had no idea what he was talking about but I had been trying to help him, that's all…

EPOV

Of course I wasn't fucking mad at _her_. How could I be? Bella was the sweetest, most innocent, perfect being I had ever met.

And I was destroying her. Fucking ruining her life with all my problems and bitterness against the world. I had stopped, a long time ago, believing that happiness was possible in this fucked up place, but Bella had come into my world and smashed all those beliefs. Lifted all of the blinds that had once been blocking the happiness from seeping on through, making me practically blind with ecstasy. Every moment with Bella made me full of life, exhilarated to no end. She was the reason I drudged through the same fuck every day. Bella was my savior.

And for once, I could relate to Carlisle. And for once, I understood what my dad had done to Esme. Because I was doing the _same fucking thing_.

So I wasn't angry at Bella. I was angry at _myself_. I was holding her back because she was hung up on me and would like me no matter what I did. She would just fucking deal with my addictions and hope that one day, I would change. Keep one last strand of hope, forever thinning, because she liked me. Because she was like Esme.

And I was so angry that she was wasting her time on me that I shook her. I fucking shook Bella. And she started to cry. And I kept repeating the same fucking thing, "Why?" and she had no idea what I was referring to. Why the hell would she wait for me? So I clarified.

"Why… Bella, why did you do all this shit? Why are you still here?"

Well, technically, I was in _her_ room, but she knew what I meant.

And I knew what she was going to say, but I couldn't help but just feel more angry.

"Because. I. care. Edward. Because. I. care." And she was fucking saying each word separately because she had to take a breath in between them because the crying was leaving her breathless.

And I just broke. _Really_ broke. I just started fucking crying too. And I knew there was no way I could keep anything else from her any longer. I would tell her _everything_.

BPOV

Edward just sat me down on the bed. And it was almost silly because we both were crying and I wasn't sure how we had gotten there.

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Bella…" And I knew he truly was because his eyes were filled to the brim with regret and hurt.

So instead of giving him a response, I began wiping away his tears. After all, he had done me this one favor. I _could_ return it. And after the tears were gone, I just stroked his face with the back of my good hand.

And, after a while of this, Edward just closed his eyes and said,

"Bella, there's something I need to tell you. And it's some pretty fucked up shit, so if you don't' want to hear it, just stop me. Okay?"

Edward opened his eyes and I just nodded because I had no idea what he was going to say.

He took a deep breath and let it go. Deflating his lungs of air and his eyes of life, leaving them devoid of emotion.

"Bella, my dad died, a long time ago. I'm not sure what you've heard, but it wasn't pretty."

And I just nodded my head, trying to see where things were going. Edward's dad was a mystery and I wasn't sure what he had to do with the situation at hand.

"My dad met my mom, Esme, at the hospital. He had been in a drug-induced coma for days and was found on the street. The ambulance had rushed him to the hospital to try to wake him up and that's when Esme first met him. She had been assigned as his nurse at the hospital and she thought he was the most beautiful creature she had ever seen."

Hmm… sounds a lot like someone I know…

"He did coke, Bella. He was a broke drug-addict who had taken a little too much and was lucky enough that someone found him and called the ambulance. When he woke up from his coma, Esme and him hit it off. They really grew fond of each other as Esme nursed Carlisle back to health and Esme was just too fucking compassionate to care that he was a total screw up. And Esme helped Carlisle get clean, jump-start his life, and they eventually married. I came into the picture and life seemed pretty damn good. Except that Carlisle had never gone completely clean, and still kept doing coke on the side, away from Esme when he was on "business trips." And I knew it too because he would come back all jittery and shit. And I think Esme kinda knew too, but she would pretend not to notice because it was too hard for her to accept Carlisle for the man he was, a fucking low-life too absorbed with himself to think about his family. And on one particular day, work had been pretty stressful, and lately, Esme and him had been fighting more because of his constant "business trips," so he said he had to go out to buy something, a surprise for my birthday. So he left, went to the nearest hotel, and did a ton of coke. And he overdosed… He was found the next day when the hotel manager busted open the room because he had only paid for one night and was immediately rushed to the hospital. Esme had been worried the whole time because he hadn't picked up his cell so when we got the call that he was at the hospital, Esme rushed me out of the house as fast as she could and sped the whole way there. We ran into the emergency room all breathless and scared and saw him, lying on the bed, all pale and shit with a million machines and tubes surrounding him. His heartbeat was still going so Esme ran into the room and took his hand. She started talking hysterically to him, willing him to wake up. Then she started yelling at the doctors to do something, all the while, I was still standing outside. I just couldn't go in. And after a couple hours of Esme just crying over him and constantly squeezing his hand, his heartbeat stopped. They tried to revive him and shit but it didn't work. Esme was so bad, the other nurses took her to another room and just comforted her. I was still frozen outside the room, staring at the pale sheets that now covered my dead dad… So much for the fucking surprise. And after that, shit was bad for a long time Bella. Esme still hasn't fully healed and my grief just turned into anger."

I wasn't sure how I was feeling in that moment because it was all too much to take in. I was so sorry and sad for everything Edward had endured and tell him I felt his pain and just comfort him to no end. And I also just wanted to face Carlisle and give him a piece of my mind for doing that to Esme and Edward. But Edward just kept going,

"Do you understand? Do you understand now Bella why _we_ can't do this?

And he paused, having sounded so agonized, waiting for an answer that would never come.

"Bella, I'm a fuck up. You know I do shit I'm not supposed to, I barely show up to class, and I'm not worth your fucking tears. I'm not worth your time. Bella, _we_ can't exist. Because in a world this fucked up, there's no way I could deserve someone as good as you. And shit, I'm already weighing you down," and he gave a look at the papers on the floor.

"Don't let me ruin your life Bella. _Please_, don't let me be my dad."

I was so angry in that moment. How could he think he was weighing me down? Ever since that first kiss I had felt as weightless as a balloon and I wasn't stubborn to let him go because I felt bad, I _needed_ him too.

"Edward, don't you **ever** fucking say that again. You will **never **be your dad. Understand me? **Never**. I _will_ make you better."

I said it with so much determination and complete sincerity echoing in every word that there was no way Edward could refuse.

EPOV

Bella was killing me. She just wouldn't fucking give up, and it wasn't making things any easier. I had to leave soon, or shit, I would be persuaded by Bella that things _could_ get better. And I couldn't have that, I couldn't be Carlisle. And I couldn't have Bella.

So I silently got up from the bed and figured saying nothing would be easier. Just being the fucked up asshole I really was.

As I was walking out of the room, Bella ran after me and grabbed my arm, tears frantically streaming down her face.

"Edward, don't you walk out on me now. So help me god, I **will** make you better. _Just let me._"

Fuck. She sounded so convincing.

But she also sounded so much like Esme. So I gently pried my arm out of her grasp and said:

"Goodbye, Bella. Just let this fuck up go."

And I walked out of the room, fucking rushing to leave, before my heart betrayed me and led me right back to Bella.

I quickly got out the door, without even a wave to Charlie, and drove off.

Fucking hardest thing I've ever had to do, hands down.

And I decided, in that moment, there would be no more tutoring,. No more Bella. I had to cut off my supply before I got hooked. The Golden Rule.

For tomorrow, I had no idea what I was going to do. Avoiding tutoring was easy. But earlier, after I had let Bella down, I had visited Mr. Banner asking him for all the shit we had done in the past month to try and catch up. I knew it would be hard, but I had to do it. I would just have to avoid showing up to class, because Bella was there, and annoy the hell out of Mr. Banner to teach me after school.

Because although I was cutting Bella out of my system, it didn't mean her effects weren't still there.

She had changed me. Made me fucking care about graduating and shit like that. Made me realize I was following the one person's footsteps who I hated the most and couldn't come to forgive.

I decided then, that this was the end. The end of the drugged up, crack head, fuck up named Edward Cullen.

I would change. For Bella. Even if I could never have her.

That was the amazing thing about love. It could be unrequited, go just one way. It was blind, it was senseless, and I had no fucking chance.

Because I _loved_ Isabella Swan.

_Okay. Don't hate my guys... This had to happen sometime. No worries. Things can change... :) But I just wanted to say that I also discovered polls today and I made some. There are two, one regarding Alice's appearance and one regarding the title. If you really care, go ahead and vote b/c I want to know what you guys think!_

_Plussssss.... thanks so much for the reviews! 43 already!!!! OMG, we're almost at 50 and that's just uber amazing. I love you all! Almost as much as Edward loves Bella.... :)_


	10. Party Time

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. I was going to wait to post this, but I love you guys so much and I was just as excited as you... so I'm putting it up now. Enjoy!_

BPOV

Whoever thought I was overreacting was wrong. They could go fuck themselves. Because they had _no_ idea.

Yes, I had only known Edward Cullen for six days, less than a full week, and we had only really kissed once, and we had never gone on an official date, but Edward Cullen had been more than a friend, more than a boyfriend.

Because in high school, relationships meant nothing. Once in a while there were couples here and there that actually had real feelings, but for the most part, it was guys chasing the cleavage that was busted out in front of them and girls just enjoying agonizing their horny boyfriends.

Edward and I, we weren't like that shit. We were a lot more. I wasn't sure if it was love, because I had never felt that before, but something was causing the big fucking hole in my heart to just grow bigger and bigger every time I thought of that night in my room.

It had been a whole week since then. Seven fucking days without seeing or hearing from Edward Cullen.

And as much as I was angry at him for letting me go, I was so needy that I would do anything just to get a glimpse of him. I would take him back, no questions asked.

Except, I had a feeling, he wasn't coming back. So I just sulked out the days, not doing much of anything. I barely ate, slept, or talked. I only kept doing my homework so Charlie couldn't complain, but I was feeling empty inside. And it sucked.

I was so down, I started thinking of all the reckless things I could do just to get my mind off of Edward.

And Emmett's party was just too perfect an offer I _couldn't _refuse.

It was only Wednesday so there were still two days till his party, but I couldn't help feeling a little excited.

Because, I decided, I was going to drink. And get completely smashed. Jessica had done it many times before so she would be able to take care of me when it happened.

I would get crunk or some shit. That_ is_ what normal teenagers did anyway, isn't it?

EPOV

Love sucks. It really fucking sucks. Especially when you're not allowed to see the person you love, that special someone who you didn't even know existed a week ago but somehow now seemed to be the sole reason for your existence.

Bella was everywhere. In every thought, in every dream, and in everything I did. Just because I didn't allow myself to see her didn't mean I wasn't thinking of her _all_ the time.

I asked Jasper to keep tabs on her for me. He'd give me a very detailed summary every lunch, sounding a little annoyed but pitiful too. He felt bad for me because he didn't understand why or how Bella could mean so much to me.

I had been pretty anti-social since last speaking with Bella. I only spoke to Jasper at lunch, only to hear about Bella, then just went back to sulking within myself. I didn't even talk to Esme, who didn't bug me because she knew that sometimes, you just had to be alone.

Because I had been so anti-social, I decided I would go Emmett's party on Friday. I would drink my problems away for the night and try not to focus on Bella for just a little while.

BPOV

Finally, Friday came, Jessica picked me up at 8:00, and we headed over.

This time, when I was offered the red cup with the random shit in it, I took it gratefully. I started sipping away at the god-awful tasting liquid, fighting back the urge to gag, and began to feel warm tingles all over my body.

I then went for another cup. And another. And another. By this point I wasn't really walking or talking straight, which didn't help my clumsiness one bit, but who the hell cared?

I was sitting down just gulping greedily whatever the hell was in my cup when Newton just kinda popped out of no where.

"Bella, let me take that for you. Your cup is looking a little low, let me fill it for you."

Okay… Newton being nice? I didn't think so. Probably had some alternative motives up his sleeve but whatever. I would take the offer.

So I handed Mike my cup and he disappeared into the crowd. He then came back, a minute later, with one full red cup for me, one for him, and a humongous grin on his face.

I took the cup and just began sipping silently. The drink tasted kinda funny though, so I crinkled my nose. Well, yes, all the drinks had tasted terrible, but this one tasted worse, if that were possible.

And I slowly found my eyes drooping. I hadn't realized I was so tired, but I stifled a yawn and just kept sipping. Jessica would eventually find me and make sure I got home, she could do _that_ much.

But just then Newton grabbed my arm gently and said:

"Bella, you look kinda tired. Let me help you up. I'll take care of you."

I just shook my head. Jessica would come find me and he didn't need to be silly, I could get up on my own.

But when I tried, I realized I was having immense difficulties. My legs felt impossibly heavy, like bricks, and my whole body was limp.

So Newton just helped me up, one arm around my waist, which was too close for comfort, but he was helping me stay standing so I couldn't say anything.

Then my vision started getting a little blurry. I started seeing two of everything and I vaguely was aware that Newton was helping me up a set of stairs.

A couple of moments later, I realized we had entered something that resembled a bedroom and Newton had me sit on the bed.

I was so exhausted that I just fell down, unable to keep my body in an upright position, and was lying on the bed.

That's when I noticed the door was closed and both the Newtons I could see were on top of me.

Newton started caressing my neck and kissing it slowly working up to my chin and nearing my mouth.

I tried to tell him to stop, but my words came out slurred and_ I_ couldn't even make out what I was saying.

I was vaguely aware that Newton's hands were on my jeans' button, undoing it and zipping down the zipper trying to pull my jeans off.

With my last conscious thought, knowing vaguely what was happening, Newton was raping me, and there was no way I was going to be able to stop him, I thought of Edward.

_Edward…_

EPOV

Right when I walked through the door, before I knew what was really happening, I was already gulping down some nasty shit and letting the warmth take over.

I took my regular place on the couch and noticed Bella walk in. _Shit_. I would just have to avoid her. So I did my best. I didn't talk to or approach her. I don't even think she knew I was fucking here because I saw her gulping her own series of red cups greedily. Shit. I had never seen her drink so much before. It could _not_ be good.

But I figured Jessica would take care of her, they _were_ friends after all. But then I noticed Newton approach Bella, who was sitting, and talk to her.

What the fuck did he want? And it wasn't hard to guess because Newton had a one track mind. But Bella hated his guts, so she would just brush him off. Or, at least, that's what I _thought_.

But instead of telling him to fuck off, she just handed her cup to him which he left with, and returned moments later filled.

And I just couldn't help the jealously from growing deep within me. I had to hold back a growl and I almost walked over there to push Newton back and tell him to fuck off. But Bella could take care of herself.

So I decided to mind my own fucking business and looked away. But after a couple of minutes of just staring into space, I couldn't help myself from looking back.

Neither Newton nor Bella were there. And because I was paranoid and over-protective, I looked around the whole bottom floor for them, to see if Bella had finally reunited with Jessica. But all I found was Jessica sandwiched in between two guys who I recognized from my math class.

And I just had a bad feeling. I couldn't really explain it, because there was no reasoning behind it, I just felt _wrong_.

So I decided to check the upstairs floor. All the rooms were open except for one which was the guest room.

I knew I wasn't being rational and whoever was in that room would get really pissed at me when I caught them doing something they didn't want me to see them doing, but I _had_ to check. I _had _to see if Bella was okay.

So I tried opening the door. And it was fucking locked. And I started freaking out because what if Bella were in there and Newton were hurting her? NO FUCKING WAY. I couldn't allow that.

Of course, then again, if they were two random people, they wouldn't want anyone disrupting them, but I had to check.

And because I wasn't really thinking straight, instead of finding a card to unlock the door, I just kicked the damn door open.

And what I found was Newton on top of Bella, both hands on her jeans, trying to pry them off, and Newton just staring at me scared shitless. Good. He should be. Because Bella was passed out on the bed and there was no one around to stop me from killing him.

He was going to get it. _Bad._

So I stomped into the room and pulled Newton off Bella and just started punching him wherever I saw an open target. He had no chance. I was so pissed I just kept going, hearing various cracking noises coming from his ribs and face. Then Newton fell to the ground and I just kept kicking him, beating the shit out of him.

And then I heard Bella whimper. And just like that, I snapped out of my rage and hurried over to Bella. I picked up her limp body up from the bed and walked out the broken door.

She was fucking heavy. But somewhere I found the strength to carry her down the stairs and through the crowds of people.

BPOV

It _must_ have been a dream. Because the most beautiful angel, who reminded me a lot of Edward, picked me up and took me out of the room.

The last thing I remembered was Newton about to rape me and now I was being carried.

This angel had saved me. I wanted to thank him, but I couldn't speak. I was so tired, I couldn't even open my eyes. So I just let my mind drift to the unconscious.

Because I knew, that in this angel's arms, I was completely safe.

_Okay.... so Newton is an ass. We all already knew that ;) Hope you guys liked it and stuff is about to get so incredibly more difficult for me to write. but whatever :) Reviews are awesome!_

_AND, I think Alice and Rosalie will be coming into the picture, or story more accurately, soon... so don't despair!_

_PLUS, over 50 comments. You guys are just absolutely amazing! I am so excited and I just... can't convey how awesome and happy I feel right now. Thanks a bunch!_


	11. Waffle House

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Um... nothing much to say, hope you enjoy!_

_And the angel speaks...._

EPOV

I told Jessica, if Charlie called her, to say Bella had slept over her house. There was concern in Jessica's eyes when she saw Bella's body lying lifeless in my arms, but I didn't have time for this. I had to get Bella to Esme. _Now._

So I brought Bella out to my car, strapping her in as good as I possible could, and ran to the driver's seat.

And I just sped all the way home. How could that fucking repulsive Newton have done this? And to Bella? He had fucking drugged her. He must have scored some of that date rape shit and made Bella one of his victims.

And I suddenly had the urge to drive back to the party and beat his fucking brains out. He had hurt Bella. _My_ Bella. And there was no way I was ever going to forgive him.

But one look at Bella's lifeless and impossibly pale body told me I had to get to Esme right away.

As soon as I parked the car, I ran to the passenger's side and hastily undid Bella's seatbelt. I carried her to the front door and rang the doorbell.

Esme opened the door a couple of moments later and a look of shock crossed her face. But then she snapped out of it and became all professional.

"Edward, get Bella in here right now. Put her on the living room floor and go get my stuff from my room."

I did exactly what Esme told me, a little anxious to let Bella go, and ran back down the stairs with Esme's bag as I fast as I possibly could.

"She has a pulse, Edward. It's weak, but she's still breathing. What happened?"

"I don't know. I found her passed out on a bed at the party. She drank a lot, but I think Newton put some shit in her drink."

"What did Newton put in her drink Edward?"

"I don't know. I think it was roofies but I can't be sure. Will she be okay Esme?"

And I was fucking praying to God so hard in that moment, that Bella would just wake up and be okay.

"I don't know Edward. I don't know what's in her system. But I think she'll wake up eventually. Just put her on a bed and let her rest, that's all we can do."

I felt so fucking frustrated. It was like my dad in the hospital all over again. I couldn't fucking do a thing while Bella was unconscious, and possibly dying, in front of me.

So I gently picked Bella up, brought her to my room, and put her on the bed. I drew the covers over her, so she wouldn't be cold, and I laid down next to her.

I began pushing the curls back from her face, to see her pale features more clearly.

"You better fucking wake up Bella. I've _missed_ you. And shit, I even did my Biology homework."

And I just snuggled in closer, willing her to heal, and eventually drifted off to my own sleep with Bella in my arms.

BPOV

I woke up to the sun shining bright in my face.

Woah, sun in Forks.

And, woah, sharp pain in my head. _Majo_r headache. Just one of the many consequences of drinking. Why the hell had I done that anyway? Oh yeah, _Edward_.

And then I remembered. I remembered the helpless feeling as Newton rubbed his filthy hands on my body and wanting him to stop. I remember wishing Edward would just show up.

So I shot up. Where the hell was I? and I realized, I was on a bed.

Oh no. Newton _had_ hurt me. But wait, it wasn't the same bed. And I looked around some more and realized there was someone else _on_ the bed.

Edward.

And although I had no idea where I was, no idea what had happened, an unexplainable sense of calm spread through my body.

_Edward._

Had he found me?

He was snoring gently with his arm draped over my waist and so I slowly pried his arm off me and disentangled myself from him.

Had I been with Edward last night?

I didn't remember seeing him at the party and I was just so confused. So I decided to get up but I kinda lost my sense of equilibrium and fell right back onto the bed, waking Edward.

"What the hell?" Edward said groggily, with his eyes still closed.

And all I could manage was "Sorry?"

"Bella." He kinda said it to himself and gave this big smile still with his eyes closed, not yet fully awake.

Then he shot up too. "Bella! Shit, I'm so sorry. I fell asleep too but I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable and – "

"Edward. Stop. It's fine. Just tell me, what happened last night?"

"You mean _after_ Mike Newton drugged you?"

"He did that?" And suddenly, it all made sense. Why I had been so tired, so dazed. And I was pissed. I would have to personally fuck him up myself. I was _that_ mad.

And then I was scared. What had happened last night that I was having trouble remembering?

"Did he… did he… _hurt_ _me_?" And the last two words barely escaped my lips because I was so scared I couldn't will myself to say them any louder.

"No. I busted open the door before he could do anything. You were completely unconscious, Bella. I brought you to Esme, so she could make sure you were okay."

"Oh. I'm so sorry Edward. I was just so stupid. I decided I would get drunk and –"

I was going to keep going but Edward just put his finger on my lips and said:

"Shhhhh. It's okay Bella. _I'm_ not sorry. You said some things last night, in your sleep."

And I just blushed. Sleep talking was not something I liked people to know about, or ever actually _hear_.

"Bella, you said my name." And Edward just gave this big smile I couldn't help but smile back.

"And Bella, you also said you _loved_ me."

And I just blushed even harder. So we weren't even dating and I loved him? And he _knew_. He probably didn't share the exact same feelings so I was pretty embarrassed by how extravagant and deep mine were in comparison to his, possibly non-existent, ones.

EPOV

_Shit_. Bella was right next to me, on my _bed,_ and she had said she loved me. Yeah, it was in her sleep, but that didn't make it not true.

_Shit_. I had said I would stay away from her. I had justified last night because she was in danger.

But now, it was just my selfishness keeping her here. I wanted to tell her I loved her back. Fucking sing it out loud if that would make her happy, but I couldn't do it.

I still didn't feel like I deserved Bella, and if I told her I loved her, there was no way we would be able to move on.

So I decided I would let myself see her, because I was getting my act together for the better, but would save my declaration for when I knew I could never break her heart again. For when I was clean, sober, and the complete opposite of my father.

And then I realized I had a major splitting headache. And I just groaned. I realized she probably had a worse one because she had drank more than I had and I said:

"I bet you have a pretty bad headache now, huh?"

"Yeah," she said as she rubbed circles on her forehead.

"I know what will help."

And at that, I jumped up from the bed, helped Bella up, and led her down the stairs to the kitchen.

BPOV

Once we were in the kitchen, I asked Edward,

"And what would that be?"

And he just gave me his signature crooked smile, took my hand, brought me impossibly close, putting his hands on my hips and said simply,

"Waffles."

"I was expecting coffee, a cold shower, or something like that…"

"Nope, waffles. And syrup, _of course_" he said with a serious tone.

And I just laughed. Then I shut my mouth abruptly when I realized I probably had really bad morning breath.

And Edward just chuckled at my reaction. He turned around and started pulling out pans and baking mix.

So he was serious.

"Bella, you can sit down. _I'll_ cook this time."

"I don't think so. You saved _me_, remember? The least I can do is make you breakfast."

And at that, Edward turned, with a completely serious expression on his face and said:

"No, Bella. You have it all backwards. _You_ saved _me_. I just did you the favor of fucking Newton up a bit. Plus, someone has to call your dad to tell him you're okay. You call, saying you're at Jessica's, and I'll cook."

I would have protested, but he had a point, so I slipped my phone from my pocket and dialed home.

"Hello?"

"Hey, dad! Just calling to let you know I'm at Jessica's and we're making waffles!" And as I said that, I gave Edward a mischievous look.

"Yeah. She called me last night saying you were sleeping over. Well, have fun! I probably won't be home when you get here because I'm going fishing with Billy, if that's okay?"

"No problem dad. See you later, bye!"

"Bye."

Once Charlie hung up, I flipped the phone closed and stuck it back in my pocket. I then snuck up behind Edward and put my hands around his body and hugged him tightly.

I realized, in that moment, that his chest was impossibly hard. Like _rock hard_. I didn't know he worked out…

And Edward just turned, in my embrace, to face me, and brought his face down to meet mine and said:

"I bet my waffles are a hundred times better than Jessica's."

And with a crooked smile he just closed the gap between our faces and brought his lips to my cheek and kissed it.

I was a little disappointed, wishing he had gone for my lips. Until I realized, he wasn't finished quite yet.

He then kept kissing me in a trail from my left cheek to my lips, slightly grazing them, and kept following the trail to my other cheek.

But as he came back, for another pass of my lips, he stopped his lips there and began softly caressing my lips with his own.

And the kiss just kept growing, and growing, and growing. And I was about to part my mouth slightly open and try using my tongue when I heard someone clear their throat.

Edward, with his lips twisting upwards into a smile, slowly removed his lips from mine and looked up.

I slowly did the same, twisting my torso to see who had interrupted, but who else would it be? Of course it was Esme.

And I blushed. A lot. Because Edward's mom had saw me kissing him. Just a _little_ embarrassing.

And Edward just chuckled at my blush.

"Bella, nice to see you again, how are you feeling?"

I couldn't help but smile, Esme was just _so nice_.

"Better. A little headache, but nothing I can't handle."

"Except for last night, are you having any trouble with your balance, coordination, or memory right now?"

"Not more than usual."

I threw Edward a look, and he just chuckled, _he _knew what I was talking about.

"Well then, good. I'm happy to see you're okay. Edward was really worried. I don't know what we're going to do about Mike Newton though. What he did was disturbing and illegal. I might just have to tell your father so some legal action can be taken."

As much as I hated to say no to Esme, Charlie just couldn't find out about this. Because then he would know that I had drank, and that I was with Edward Cullen. Or was I?

Was there even an Edward and me?

I know I hadn't just imagined the last half hour but I had no way of knowing Edward wasn't just going to get up and leave again. and if I let myself get too close, it would just hurt too much to ever let him go.

"No, Esme, that's alright. Charlie is a very… protective man. If he ever found out, he probably wouldn't follow the law. He would just go after Newton with no mercy. And he _wouldn't_ leave his shot gun at home."

"Well, Bella, I'll let you decide. After all, _you_ were the victim, so whatever you feel comfortable with."

"Thank you."

"And besides," Edward butted in, "I believe I thoroughly kicked his ass once. I'd be willing to do it again if he ever, _got out of line_."

And I just wacked Edward on the arm. Violence WAS NOT the answer. Okay, so I was a hypocrite. But I just couldn't stand to see Edward getting hurt.

"Esme," Edward said ignoring my abuse, "Would you like to join us for breakfast?"

"No thanks, Edward. I have an early shift at the hospital which I was just leaving for. But have fun! And get lots of rest, Bella."

"Thanks," I said timidly. And before I could say bye, she was out the door.

"Now where were we again?" Edward said.

"I don't know, but I think it was something like this – "

And I just began kissing Edward again, straight to the lips this time. Because I just would _not_ accept anything else.

And I just deepened the kiss, by parting my lips ever so slightly and letting my tongue venture out into the unknown world of Edward Cullen's lips and mouth.

And we just kept going like that for a good twenty minutes until Edward finally straightened up and disentangled himself from me and said:

"Waffle time!"

And I just laughed.

_Before you say no, waffles cure hangovers. In my world at least! Ha ha. Hope you enjoyed. Reviews are awesome!!!_

_Plus. Wow. This has gone a lot farther than I ever imagined and it makes me so happy to see people actually like it! Shout out, once again, to all my Twilight homeslices and people who live for Twilight!_


	12. Refusal Skills

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Hokay, so time flies by pretty quickly in places so don't get freaked out. Just skipping non-eventful stuff. Enjoy!_

EPOV

Fucking amazing.

Twenty minutes of kissing Bella senseless. I could get used to this. Because after she had told me she loved me in her sleep, there was no way I could stay away from her any longer. I just didn't have the strength.

To know she felt the same way I did, I was just fucking ecstatic.

So I made us waffles. Which, by the way, were fucking delicious, and we talked.

Tons of random shit, like what she liked, and I liked, and people we hated, and teachers who were just fucking weird.

And during one particular long pause, Bella's face became totally construed with pain and she said:

"I'm sorry Edward."

"For what?"

I was pretty confused…

"For everything. For your dad. For Esme. For the screwed up past that I can't make go away."

"Oh," that.

"You know, I was serious about helping you quit. I did the research. I found this technique…"

"Bella. I want to quit. Trust me, I _really_ do. But it isn't going to be easy. I don't know if it's something I can do alone."

"Edward, I know. You won't be alone. I'll be with you, the _whole_ time. Winter break, Edward. Every second of every day. That gives you a good solid two weeks. You can do it, I know you can."

Fuck. She had so much hope. And I was so afraid of disappointing her…

So I vowed to myself. I would do it. _We_ would do it. I would quit that shit once and for all and fix my life. Because I loved Bella.

"Okay, Bella."

"There's just one thing, Edward. I need to know…" and she was looking down at the floor, too afraid to meet my gaze.

"You won't… leave me again, _will you_?"

And at that, she lifted her agonized gaze to my face. Her eyes were glossy, holding back tears.

"Bella," I said as I took her into a tight embrace, "I just don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore."

Which I think answered her question full enough.

BPOV

To hear those words, made me endlessly happy. I buried my face in Edward's chest and gulped in his scent. I basked in my euphoria, because I had never felt so happy in my entire life.

But eventually, I had to go home. Return to reality after one nightmare of a party and one fairytale of a day.

So Edward brought me home, promising to pick me up for school on Monday, and drove off before Charlie could get home to spot his car.

The month to follow was pure heaven. I spent as much time with Edward as I could, even sitting with him and Jasper at lunch. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Jasper was actually really nice and smart. He may have been a hopeless crack head but he had this extra sense, like he could sense people's feelings and always knew just what to say.

Things between Newton and me were just strained. I hated his guts and he was so ashamed of what he had done he just completely ignored me. Good. He had put his filthy hands on me and there was no way I was going to forgive his sorry ass for almost raping me. In fact, I was doing him a favor by not telling my father what he had _almost_ done.

And the weeks just passed, senior year flying by, and winter break neared. I was so excited because I couldn't wait to make Edward completely drug-free and I would get to spend two whole weeks with him, _uninterrupted_. Because even Esme was going to be away, at some medicine conference in Chicago or something.

For the same reasons, I was also nervous. I wasn't sure if the technique was going to work for Edward and being alone with him, well, you know…

EPOV

I couldn't help but notice over this past month Bella and I had grown inseparable and I had stopped smoking as much. We were smiling, all the time, which definitely was new to me because I was so used to keeping a grimace on my face at all times.

And the biggest smile Bella ever game me was every time I showed up to Biology class. Her happiness would radiate from her and even Mr. Banner couldn't help feeling a little up beat whenever his gaze passed over our table. Her happiness was infectious, seriously.

Oh yeah. And so it turns out, that my seat in Biology had always been right next to Bella's. I know, perfect right? If I had known, shit, I would have been the first one to class at the start of school, waiting for Bella to walk into my life.

And before I knew it, winter break was staring me in the face. And I just started getting incredibly more nervous because I had no idea what Bella's technique was, because she refused to tell me before it was needed, and we would be alone. _Completely_ alone. And the farthest we had ever gotten was making out, complete with tongues and all, in my room. I wasn't sure if Bella was okay with that or if she wanted more.

I mean, _of course_ I wanted more, but I wouldn't push Bella like that. I wouldn't make her uncomfortable.

And finally, the last midterm ended, signaling the start of winter break. Fuck yeah. No school for two weeks and Bella all the time to keep my mind off drugs? What's not to like?

BPOV

I had told Charlie I would be having a two week sleepover with Jessica over break. I knew it would e a bit of a stretch, but he didn't ask any questions.

Of course I told Jessica what the real plan was and if Charlie ever called, to tell him I was busy and let me know so I could call him right back.

So after school Friday, Edward picked me up, _before_ Charlie could get home, and slid my humongous duffel bag into the back seat.

"Fuck Bella, what did you put in this thing? I don't have super-human strength you know."

And I just smiled timidly, I had packed a little extra of everything, not _too _much.

After we sat in the car, were completely buckled, and driving off Edward said:

"So, what do you want to do first, Miss Swan?"

And with a crooked smile Edward turned his head to look at me and left me breathless.

"Woah, Bella, are you okay? You look a little pale."

I was serious when I said he left me breathless. I couldn't _breathe_.

"Yeah. You were just… dazzling me again."

And I looked away, embarrassed, wishing I could have the same effect on him. I mean, everyone knew that Edward was _gorgeous_, that was a fact of life. But I was another story. I was plain, pale, and extraordinary. I mean extra, extra – ordinary. There was nothing unique about my features and nothing remotely as beautiful as Edward's.

And I just sighed. I didn't know what he saw in me every time he told me I was beautiful. I think he was just trying to be nice.

And as if he could read my mind, Edward reached out one hand to cup my face, turn it towards him, _while he was driving_, and said:

"Bella, you do know that you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, right?"

"Edward, please don't try to be nice…"

And at that, Edward hastily pulled the car off the road and onto the soft shoulder and stopped the car. He shut it off and turned towards me.

EPOV

What did I have to do to break through her insecurities? Bella was beautiful. Gorgeous. Exquisite. _Cute as fuck_.

And I would just have to show her what I meant.

So I leaned over the transmission, brushed the curls back from Bella's face to throw her off a bit, and started kissing her neck.

I gave her a million slow kisses all the way up her neck to her ear lobe, which I gently grazed with my teeth, and made her whimper.

I then whispered in her ear,

"Bella. You are, fucking _divine_."

And I think those words had the desired effect because Bella just slumped into her seat, just a bit, kinda defeatedly.

Or that's what I thought. Until I went to look in her eyes, which were closed, and I thought she was just playing with me so I kissed her eyelids, but she didn't respond.

That's when I realized, Bella had fainted.

Shit! What the fuck did I just do? So I frantically grabbed my water bottle from the cup holder, unscrewed the cap, and just splashed some water on Bella's face.

When the cold water came in contact with her smooth skin, she winced a little and opened her eyes.

"Fuck, Bella. You just _fainted_."

And despite the fact that it had been kinda serious, I just chuckled, started the engine, and got back on the road.

And I handed Bella some napkins from the glove compartment so she could dry her face.

"Sorry? I didn't mean to you're just… too good?"

"I know. I'll try to tone it down a notch next time." And I liked the thought of that. A _next time_…

And I threw her a crooked smile, more for my benefit than hers, because I knew that shit just made her more flustered. And she just rolled her eyes and looked out the windshield, straight ahead to the road.

"You never answered my question, you know. What do you want to do?"

"Well, first, I'd like to be wearing a shirt that's not wet…"

And then I looked down, noticing how wet her shirt actually was. Which was a _bad _idea.

Because, being wet and thin, her shirt just stuck extra-tightly to her body and hugged all her curves. Including the two big ones on her chest.

Fuck. I had to look away, it was rude. So I drew my attention back to the road and thankfully Bella spoke so I wouldn't think about it again.

"I don't know. I'm not sure if you want to start today or what?"

"Well, why don't you start by explaining to me what the technique _is_?"

"Okay. So from my research, I learned a couple of things. There's this law, Thorndike's law of Effect. And basically it says that if a reward follows a particular behavior, that behavior will probably be repeated. Like, that's why you smoke, because it does something that makes you happy so you keep going back. Maybe, if your interests were drawn somewhere _else_, you could get better. Like if you got punished for smoking, so something bad happens when you relapse, but you get rewarded for staying clean?"

"Okay. Sounds simple enough. But what exactly would the punishments and rewards _be_?"

And Bella blushed. I wasn't sure why, but it obviously had to do with the rewards. _The rewards_….

"Well, I figured if you smoked, your punishment would be that you couldn't kiss me for that _whole_ day. I know, harsh, but that's how it has to be. And rewards, well…. I was thinking maybe I'd cook whatever you like or maybe, kiss you however you liked…"

And Bella was so embarrassed she just couldn't look at me. And I just chuckled.

"Sounds pretty fair to me. With those rules, I'm sure I'll be clean in no time."

It was true. Not kissing Bella for one whole fucking day? That just wasn't possible.

And Bella just threw me this big grin because I was actually considering her suggestions.

"And, I also read somewhere, that meditation helps a lot."

And I just scoffed. Meditation? I wasn't a Tibetan monk for god's sake.

But Bella looked a little hurt at my rejection so I said sorry and promised her I would try it.

"Plus, I read somewhere you also have to learn refusal skills."

And Bella said this so mischievously, that I had no idea what she meant. Refusal skills? Refusing _what_? So I asked.

"Refusing what?"

"Well, I was thinking…" and she paused for a while so I said,

"Go on."

"That maybe, I would push you. You know, like test you, and you would have to refuse. Like I will try to _seduce_ you, and you'll have to say no."

And none of Bella's other blushes compared to the one that spread across her face when she said that. So she was going to agonize the horny teenager within me. _Great_. I just _couldn't_ wait.

"Of course, if you do well, maybe you won't _need_ to refuse."

And at that, I just chuckled. Bella wanted to go farther, and despite her blushing, she didn't seem ashamed of it one bit.

_Ha ha. A little more action for you guys ;) Reviews are the best thing... since waffles! :)_


	13. Fortune's Fool

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Enjoy? Well, you'll see after.... :)_

BPOV

So I decided to mentally keep track of his progress. Like a mental diary of Edward's successes and failures.

When we got to his house, after the embarrassing car ride at my expense, where I had quite openly hinted to Edward about furthering our relationship, Edward took my massive duffel bag for me and we went in.

I followed him up the stairs from which he proceeded to go to the guest room but I just grabbed his free hand and steered him towards his own room.

No need to be silly, I would be sleeping with him. Sleeping as in snoring and dreaming and lots of zzzzzs. Because I wasn't sure if I was ready for more than that. Yet.

And we just decided to watch a movie that night, keep things low key, and Edward picked the film.

Sound of Music. _The Sound of Music_. I couldn't take him seriously when he chose it and said it was his favorite movie, not because I didn't also adore it, but because Edward and Julie Andrews just didn't mix.

"Don't you fucking laugh at the von Trapps Bella. So help you god! Or I just may have to punish you."

And I couldn't keep the laughter in. It was _too_ funny. And Edward mock-angrily ran up to the couch where I was sitting and having a fit of laughter and began tickling me to no end.

And as much as I pleaded, begged, between breathless fits of laughter, Edward just wouldn't stop tickling me.

But when the movie finally started and the hills showed up, Edward all of a sudden became all serious and stopped tickling me. He straightened himself on the couch, looking all formal, and intently focused on the movie.

_So cute_.

And somewhere between the puppet show and the "cuck-coo" song I just fell asleep, resting my head on Edward's stone chest.

"Bella, wake up." And I felt Edward nudging me a little, trying to wake me.

But because I was stubborn and refused to open my eyes, Edward completely surprised me.

One minute I was on the soft couch and the next I was floating in air.

I opened my eyes to see what had happened and Edward was carrying me up the stairs to his room. And once he got there, he gently put me on the bed and said,

"Do you need me to undress you _too,_ Bella?"

And I blushed. Which totally blew the whole 'I'm asleep' act, but undress me – well, that sounded surprisingly _good_.

It must have been my half-conscious mind playing tricks on me. What else could explain the feeling of desire after he had said those words? I was too afraid to even unbutton his shirt a little, let alone let him undress me.

And I groggily got up from the bed and went to the bathroom to change. When I got back, Edward was already under the covers, lying nonchalantly on his side, resting his head on his arm, and beckoned me with his finger to come closer.

He just looked so _– sexy_. I just couldn't get close enough.

Then, of course, because I'm Isabella Swan and the gods hate me, I had to trip on the long bed sheets drooping to the floor and fall smack onto the bed face first.

_Ow_.

And Edward just sat up and lifted me up to meet his gaze.

"Bella, are you okay?" and he was fighting back a grin so I just humphed indignantly, turned my body away from him, and brought myself under the covers.

And although I was a little annoyed, I let Edward encircle his arms around me, kiss my hair, and wish me sweet dreams.

Sweet dreams _indeed_…

EPOV

All of Bella's shit fucking worked. I mean, I relapsed on the second day, which was excruciatingly painful because Bella decided that not only I couldn't kiss her, but I couldn't touch her either. Which was so unbearable that it made me go clean for the rest of the week. Damn, she was good. She knew _exactly_ how to fix me.

And on one particular night, it wasn't really so different from the others, Bella had decided she wanted to play a card game.

We ended up playing Go Fish. Go figure. Bella liked it and I couldn't refuse when the childish grin crossed her face when she suggested it.

And things got really intense. Bella and I were so into the game I didn't even realize it was already 11:00 when she beat me for the hundredth time.

And then things changed. I'm not really sure what happened or how, but both of us put our cards down on the table and Bella just had this intense gaze in her eyes, basically looking down into the depths of my soul.

And whatever she saw, she must have liked, because she crawled closer to me on her knees and when she was close enough, started kissing me.

She started at my lips, then went to my jaw, following its path to my earlobe, which she licked, and began ruffling her fingers through my hair.

And I decided to respond by drawing her onto my laps, impossibly closer, holding her hips, and just started kissing her in the crook of her neck, which turned into everywhere. I made a line of kisses following her collarbone, throwing in a lick every once in a while because she tasted so fucking good, and finally made my way to her face, which I attacked with a vengeance.

It just didn't seem like I could get her lips close enough to mine fast enough.

And I eventually let my lips part, to caress her lips with my tongue, and I heard her moan. Which just made me do it again, because I was enjoying it just as much as she was.

And somehow, I managed to stand with Bella's legs wrapped around my waist and I headed towards the stairs, towards my room.

As I was carrying Bella up to my room, she just kept kissing my neck and jaw line so I had to concentrate really hard on the stairs not to fall.

And finally, we made it to my room where I gently laid Bella down and positioned myself on top of her.

And I knew I would have to stop this, whatever _this_ was, soon, or we'd be going too far. Because I knew Bella wasn't ready for shit like that yet and I didn't want her to have any regrets.

But I couldn't help but comply when Bella put her hands on the hem of my shirt and let them slip under so they touched my skin. And she just made me shiver. Because it felt so good, her hands rubbing my chest, and trying to pry off my shirt.

So I decided I would help her a bit. I pulled my shirt over my head and flung it to the ground, not very preoccupied with where it landed.

BPOV

Oh. My. God. Edward. _Shirtless_.

Me, speechless. Because he just looked so damn sexy and I couldn't help but just roll us over, so I was on top, so I could do want I wanted to do. And I started a line of kisses from his chin down his throat to the new world, his chest I mean. I couldn't see it, but I could feel it, and it was so incredibly perfect.

Then Edward pulled me back up to his face and just silently began thanking me for my line of kisses by giving me a set of his own. He started on my lips and went to my earlobe which he slightly tugged with his teeth and moved down to my neck, collarbone, and eventually, between my cleavage.

And it felt so good, to my embarrassment, that I couldn't hold back a moan. And I wasn't sure where we were going with this but I didn't mind one bit. I had decided, earlier, that I was ready to move on with Edward, escalate our relationship a bit. And now seemed like the perfect time.

So I was about to take my own shirt off, when my phone rang in my pocket.

Stupid, stupid phone. I was going to ignore it, but Edward chuckled, his lips pulling back into a grin, and said huskily:

"You should probably answer that."

And I gave a little whine of protest but I couldn't refuse Edward so I groaned, rolled off him, and answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bella. It's Jessica. I wouldn't be calling you so late but it's an emergency. Charlie just called and asked to speak to you. I told him you were busy and he said he would wait and I told him you'd call him right back but he refused to take no for an answer and I had to tell him everything, Bella. He knows, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to warn you before he got there."

And I was speechless, because I was screwed. Charlie coming over to find Edward and me alone in a house – no, I was _fucked_. I just really hoped Charlie wouldn't bring his shot gun with him, just in case he decided to use Edward as target practice.

So I hung up the phone, jumped off the bed, and began rushing to shove all my things back into my duffel bag.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"Charlie. Coming. _Now_."

And with those three words, Edward was off the bed and warily helping me to stuff all my things into my bag.

Once we were done, Edward threw his shirt back on and he brought my bag down next to the door.

And I was just standing by his side, biting my lip, nervous as fuck, waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Waiting for Charlie to kill me.

"Bella," Edward said as he brushed my cheek and tilted my head so my eyes would meet his gaze, "it's okay. Everything will be fine. Just, let me talk to him."

And as Edward said those words, I saw headlights flood the dark night as tears began to flood my face.

EPOV

I would talk to Charlie, one-on-one, with Bella in another room and explain to him the situation, or really, _part _of the situation.

Bella was helping tutor me tonight, for Biology of course. Because Charlie didn't know Bella had been at my house since the start of break and he didn't know Bella was helping me with my substance abuse. And he didn't have to know. So I would spare him the unnecessary details.

BPOV

I came to a conclusion, in that moment, that the gods _did_ really hate me. Just when things were starting to look so good and I was closer to Edward than I ever had been, fate or god or whatever had to come screw it up.

And all I could do as I watched Charlie storm closer and closer towards the house was squeeze Edward's hand tightly. Because I had a feeling, that after tonight, I wouldn't be feeling much of Edward anymore.

And I know it was a silly thought, at this time of major crisis in my life, to be thinking about Romeo and Juliet. But for the first time ever, I actually praised Shakespeare. He had gotten the whole 'separation is too much to bear' thing down.

Because although I wasn't a Capulet, and Edward wasn't a Montague, we were definitely what you could call "star-crossed lovers."

_Awwww, no! But it had to happen. and sorry for the cheezy ending but i couldn't help it. i like shakespeare... :) Reviews are better than Edward shirtless... (Well, not really, but, you know what i mean.)_


	14. A Window of Opportunity

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. and oh my god, 99, reviews, i'm speechless!!!! thanks so much you guys! more gushing afterwards... enjoy!_

EPOV

Life's a bitch. I know to other people, this was just a saying, but to me, it described my life perfectly. Because "life's not fair" just didn't seem to cut it.

The plan to talk to Charlie failed miserably. Although he was pissed, he still had the courtesy to knock on the door, well, _bang_ is more like it…

And when I opened the door, Charlie just stared at Bella, pouring all his anger and resentment in that moment on her. And I just couldn't stand to see him do that, I couldn't stand to see Bella's agonized face, so I stepped in between them, crouching a little in a protective stance in front of Bella. And Charlie just shifted his gaze to me and gave ma a cold, hard stare.

If looks could kill, well, enough said. He gave me a look that said "Get the FUCK away from my daughter." And he just grew impossibly more red and infuriated when I turned slightly to wrap my arms around Bella. Because there was no fucking way I was going to let Charlie touch her when he was that upset.

And all Charlie said was, "Bella, get in the car. _Now_." And Bella obediently picked up her duffel bag, breaking my hold, and walked out to the car, kinda staggering under the weight of her stuff.

"Edward, I have no idea what Bella was doing here or _why_, but don't you _ever_ come near my daughter _ever_ again. If you so much as lay one hand on her again, I won't hesitate to bring you down to the station on suspicion of possession of a controlled substance."

And I just had a mental dark chuckle because his daughter was the _reason _why I was going clean and he wanted to take her away from me?

_Fuck you._

And all I could was nod my head, because I was speechless, and pray to God Charlie couldn't see the denial in my eyes. Because I was telling him I would leave Bella alone, and that just was _never _going to happen.

Because, in that fucked up moment, I realized I loved Bella, _really_ loved Bella. And I'd love her forever, for the rest of my fucking existence and then some.

BPOV

After pulling me away from Edward, Charlie didn't say a word.

And it had been a whole week. Not one fucking word. We were both so pissed at each other that we couldn't stand to be in the same room and I cooked his dinner extra early so I wouldn't have to be in the kitchen when he ate it.

And because it was still vacation, and I was silently forbidden from leaving the house, complete love lockdown, I didn't see Edward. At all.

And fuck was it hard. _Really_ hard. The pain that started in the hole in my heart and slowly and agonizingly spread throughout my whole body when I thought of Edward was unbearable. The ache to feel his stone chest, to hear his quiet chuckles, and to see that heart-breaking crooked smile…

It was all just too much. So I spent that last week of vacation just sobbing out the days in my room and tossing and turning night after night of restless sleep. And I tried, really hard, to keep my mind from being totally conscious, keeping it in an everlasting state of numbness which was the only way I could deal with the pain. And Charlie saw it _all_ and didn't seem to care one fucking bit_._

But of all the things I was feeling, scared was probably the biggest.

I was scared Edward would relapse. He had been doing fine when I was with him, but we had been no where near done and with a house all to himself, there wasn't much to occupy his time.

And I was scared Charlie would keep Edward away. Yes, I'd see him in school, but that just wouldn't be enough.

Because when you loved someone, the physical pain of separation flooded out everything else. It irrationalized all reasons to live, making my life seem pointless.

And to feel that afterschool, _everyday_, and extra on weekends, I just wouldn't survive. Suddenly, dying of a broken heart didn't seem so absurd anymore.

And finally, Sunday night came, and I was dying of anticipation for school the next day. I was even in a better mood because I knew I would get to see Edward in twelve hours, I had been counting.

But Charlie just had to ruin that too. Wasn't separating us enough? Ruining my life _once_ enough? Because I had no intention of talking to Charlie ever again, but he just _had _to call me.

"Bella," he called from the couch, "could you come here please?"

And silently, I granted his request by barely entering through the doorway and stopping a good ten feet away from him. I was still enraged so I didn't want to get too close, just in case I had to channel my anger with physical violence.

"Bella, please sit down," and he patted the space next to him on the couch.

I opted for the recliner and sighed as I sank into the seat. I could tell this wouldn't end well.

"Bella, I know you're angry at me," angry was an _understatement_. And I made that perfectly clear with my cold glare.

"I did it for your own good." And I just humphed because that was complete bullshit.

"When I was your age, I made a lot of mistakes Bella. I hadn't experienced enough of the world to know what I do today and I thought I knew everything. I was so sure…." And Charlie just shook his head to himself, remembering. And by now, I was a little in shock. Charlie _never_ shared his feelings, what would make him change his mind?

"Bella, I was so sure about Renee. So sure we belonged together, so sure she was my soul mate, that no one could convince me otherwise. We were young, and in love, so we eloped and planned out our whole lives together. Love clouded my judgment, it didn't let me see past the moment to the future or make any rational decisions. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret what happened then, but the pain of the ramifications was just too much to bear. And I can't see you go through that too."

And by now, I was jaw-to-the-floor shocked. Charlie sharing his feelings? About _Renee_? What was with him? And I started getting worried that Charlie was sick and was suffering from high fever hallucinations.

"Bella, I don't know what's going on between you and Edward, and I don't know how long it's been going on, but it's not safe. Because one day you'll end up where Renee and I did and realize that the path you chose in life wasn't the right way. And the pain that follows right after that epiphany is unbearable. I saw it in his eyes when he came by months ago, Bella, _love_. It's dangerous and it rules out all reason…"

And I knew what Charlie was saying had a point and was important, but I couldn't keep my thoughts there, in that room, or in Forks.

Because I was flying. Love? Charlie had seen _love_ in Edward's eyes? And all _before_ the party? I didn't know his feelings reciprocated my own and were so deep, let alone that he had fallen before I had…

But why wouldn't he tell me? Was he too afraid? Was he saving it? But it didn't matter. Because I would wait for eternity to hear him say those words.

And Charlie brought me back down, back to Earth, when he said:

"Do you understand now Bella? Why Edward and you can't… _be_?

And as much as I was mad at Charlie, I hated hurting him with bringing up Renee. But I had to.

"Dad, I understand what you're saying but…" and I decided to get it over with quickly and said:

"Edward and I, we aren't like you and Renee. It's not the same. And _I'm _notRenee. I know what this is, I know my feelings, and I know this isn't just some little crush. I'm not making the same mistakes, dad."

And Charlie just looked hurt, as if I had slapped him. Because, in a way, I had. I slapped him with Renee and slapped him with ignoring his obvious pleas for me to just drop Edward.

But I couldn't do that.

And I just got up from the recliner, without a word, and silently went up the stairs to get ready for bed. Hopefully Charlie had taken my blunt rejection of his request as a hint that I wasn't going to stop seeing Edward, and that he better get used to it.

Because there was nothing Charlie could do or say to keep me from Edward, _my_ Edward.

EPOV

The last week of vacation was _hard_.

Okay, it was more than hard, it was hell on Earth. Because I felt the urge to smoke every goddamn day and I had to fucking suppress it. I _had_ to. Bella had gotten me so far and I wouldn't disappoint her like that, by just giving up. I was stronger than that, I was better than that, and this was my one way to prove to myself that I actually deserved a girl like Bella.

And every time I thought of her, her laugh just rang in my head. I think my brain was mocking me and trying purposely to agonize me because every time I heard that laugh, I just fucking stopped whatever I was doing and became completely useless. I would freeze for minutes at a time and just imagine Bella's wide, chocolate eyes staring back at me from behind my closed eyelids. And it was just too fucking much to think of.

My need for a fix was big, but my need for Bella was bigger. And I knew there was no way I could last until Monday morning to see her. _No way_.

So I got my lazy ass off the couch and got into the car. I didn't really know what I was doing, but I had a vague idea and it was kind of spur of the moment.

Bella couldn't come to _me,_ but no one was preventing me from going to her.

Except Charlie. But he would never know. And I knew, in that moment, that I was officially going insane because it was Sunday night and I would see Bella in less than twenty-four hours anyway, but I just couldn't wait any longer. I needed to feel her in my arms and smell her delicious floral scent. Because what I needed right now was a Bella fix.

BPOV

It was around 10:00 when I was going to call it an early night and go to bed so I could get my beauty sleep to look my best for Edward when I heard a light rapping on my window. And I just thought it was the rain, so I didn't give it much thought, until I heard it again and looked to my window to see a dark form crouched outside.

What the _hell_?

I was seriously going to freak out if I had some raper/stalker following me. But then again, who would be stupid enough to target the chief's daughter?

So as I approached the window, the person's form became clearer.

And my heart flew. It was Edward. And I just wanted to sing out loud and do a little victory dance in that moment because I was so happy.

So I slowly opened the window, trying to keep it from creaking or squealing too loud, and I just flung my arms around Edward, enveloping him in a hug, because I just couldn't wait for him to be _inside _my room before I felt him.

Edward chuckled and said:

"Can I come into your room now?"

And I just silently moved out of the way so he could climb in. He seemed pretty badass in that moment and I just smiled at the thought. Edward Cullen sneaking into my room. Which was also the chief's house, so I gave Edward a worried look and said:

"Where did you park your car? If Charlie sees it, he'll kill you…"

"Don't worry Bella, I parked at the end of the street."

And my body finally relaxed. I closed the window, then the door to my room, and went to sit by Edward who was casually lying on my bed.

"Bella, come _here_, I didn't just walk down a whole block, climb up a tree, and risk my life just to _see_ you."

And I just snuggled into Edward's chest, his open, inviting arms wrapping around me.

As much as I didn't want to ruin this surprise visit, I had to ask.

I lifted my chin so that I was looking up at Edward and said, in a soft voice, almost a whisper,

"Did you… _smoke again?"_

And I saw the biggest smile break across Edward's face. A proud, triumphant smile.

"Nope."

And I just hugged him tighter as a silent thank you.

"I guess your _seducing_ techniques are working."

Which reminded me what Edward and I had been doing before Jessica's call about the apocalypse. Hmm…. _what we had been doing_ ….

And I just brought my face up to Edward's and crushed my lips to his and began kissing him, pretty fiercely. And once we had the lips down, I began using my tongue because I had to taste him. And once I had the tongue down, I began using my hands, rubbing his chest and feeling his hair, taking fistfuls, willing him to be closer.

And I began slowly forgetting where I was, and vaguely remembering that Charlie was downstairs. Because I was just too preoccupied with Edward's mouth at the moment to care.

And I would have willingly kept going, except that Edward began to pull away as I began slipping my shirt off and put his hands on my wrists, keeping me from removing my blouse.

"Bella, not now. Not Yet."

And I felt a pang of rejection hit me like running into a brick wall. I know Edward was being the responsible one here and was acting impossibly mature and meant it in only the best way, but I couldn't help the irrational pain that flooded through me.

And Edward must have noticed my mood slowly slipping because he cupped my chin and made me look up into his eyes. And I was so embarrassed by the absurd sadness, that I did my best not to comply.

"Refusal skills, remember?"

And I couldn't help but smile. I know he didn't stop because he was practicing my technique, but it made me minutely more happy to know he cared about it.

"But you've been _good_. You don't need those anymore."

And I knew I was pushing my luck, but what the heck? I tried.

"Bella, I've never felt for other girls what I feel for you. I don't want to… _screw up_."

More like he didn't want to screw _me_. But I knew what he meant. I knew he had a long history with other girls, mostly involving sexual relations, and he wanted to save that between us for later. And I know I should have been flattered, but I was angry. So skanky girls could get it but _I_ couldn't?

"Edward, I _want_ to."

"Bella, you don't know what you're saying… It's…"

"Edward, just because I'm a virgin and you're a casanova doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing."

And I just rolled off of Edward, quite pissed. Didn't think I was capable of sex, huh?

And he tried to turn me to face him, but I just shrugged his arm off.

"Fuck, Bella, I want it to be _special_."

What were we waiting for? Wasn't that the traditional _girl's_ response anyway?

EPOV

Ugh, Bella was killing me. Arousing the fuck out of me and I had to deny her because, well, I _did_ want it to be special.

And I wanted Bella to know I loved her before we did it.

Because I wanted to love Bella _completely_, holding nothing back. She deserved the best, and I was determined to give it to her.

And Bella just kept her back to me, still pissed. I couldn't really understand _why,_ I mean, I was the one who wanted to wait because I wanted it to be special. Isn't that what girls dreamed of? Their men wanting to make it _specia_l? But girls never made sense. So I just began rubbing Bella's arm, soothingly and slowly, waiting for her hissy fit to pass.

And Bella just _had_ to ask the one question I didn't want to answer.

"How many?" she said quietly, barely a whisper.

And I knew what she was fucking talking about, but I was really hoping otherwise. So I asked her to clarify,

"How many what?"

"How many _girls_?"

And all Bella did was let out a deep sigh, turned her body, and gave me a deep gaze that went all the way to my fucking soul that I couldn't break from and said:

"How many girls have you been with Edward? _Slept with_?"

"Bella, I," and fuck, I knew it would hurt her to know the truth, but it would hurt more to lie, so I told her.

"Three."

And Bella just gasped pretty fucking deeply. And I had to clarify shit.

"Bella, I, I wasn't me. I was either drunk or high and they were _mistakes._ Maybe even the three biggest mistakes of my life… and I can't take them back."

And Bella didn't say anything, she just had a hurt look in her eyes.

BPOV

Three fucking girls. _Three_ girls had rode my man? And I almost scolded myself, with a slap, for thinking so debauched and crude, but I couldn't help it.

I was _jealous_. And I felt violated, and angry, and _frustrated_. But Edward _had_ said they were all mistakes, possibly the biggest of his life. Or, he could have just been saying that….

I wasn't sure about anything. Did I really have any right in caring what Edward had done _before_ we met? He hadn't been mine, so didn't he have the right to do what he wanted?

And I just figured, fuck it. Edward was with _me_ now and he wasn't drunk or high. Nothing was clouding his judgment and he had come here on his own free will, and he was _here_ hugging _me_ tightly.

So I returned the hug, just as tightly, to show him I would get past his… friskiness.

And despite how ridiculous the next thought that came into my head was, I just _had_ to ask,

"Edward, will you _stay_?"

"Like the whole _night_?"

"Yeah, I mean, Charlie always leaves before me and you can borrow one of his shirts or something…"

And I knew my hopes and dreams were utterly absurd but I _really_ didn't want Edward to leave.

"Okay," and Edward just chucked and said,

"But we have to stop by my house, on the way to school. I'm not going anywhere in the chief's clothes and I have to change, or what would the neighbors think?"

And somehow, I managed to find the strength to hug Edward even tighter to show just how appreciative I was and he started humming. And that was when I fell asleep, in Edward's arms, totally at ease.

And what felt like moments later, the alarm clock was screeching and I flung my arm to smack it but hit something warm and hard instead.

"Oh! Edward, I'm so sorry!"

"What was that for?" he said in a playful tone. So he wasn't upset.

"Well, usually I'm right next to my alarm clock and I kinda missed and I hit you. Sorry."

"It s'kay… you spoke in your sleep last night." And Edward started laughing, _hard_.

Oh no, I must have said something really embarrassing. And I almost didn't want to know, but I was itching with curiosity so I asked.

"What exactly did I say?"

"Well, you mumbled something like "_my_ Edward" and "… doesn't think I'm ready" and "too sexy." It was all pretty amusing. Just wondering, is it _me_ that you find so sexy?"

And I blushed, I had never told him how he looked in those exact words which implied, I don't know, but I was pretty embarrassed to say the least. So to avoid answering that question, I got up, grabbed a couple clothes from my dresser, and skipped to the bathroom to get ready for school.

And when I got back, Edward surprised me with having fixed the bed.

"Thank you."

"It was the least I could do for your oh-so-flattering _compliment_." And Edward just chuckled, finding his amazing gorgeousness and its effects on me amusing.

Well _I_ didn't find it funny, so I punched him in the arm, took my book bag, and indignantly stomped down the stairs.

I went to the kitchen, to get some breakfast, slinging my bag to the tile floor. I opened the refrigerator and took out some milk and put it on the counter. As I was intently searching for cereal bowls in one of the cabinets, Edward surprised me again by reaching his own pale arm out of nowhere to grab a bowl from the top shelf. And once he put it down on the counter, I turned to face him with a look that hopefully showed how ticked off I still was.

And Edward brought his face close, almost forehead to forehead, and brushed the hair from my left cheek back behind my ear. Then he brought his lips to my ear and whispered,

"If I could sleep talk, I would probably be saying the same thing. "Bella is unbelievably sexy," _especially_ when she acts all pissed."

And Edward just pushed me further into the counter bringing his lips to mine and began feverently kissing me. And I just reached my hands into his hair, bringing him impossibly closer by making fistfuls, and Edward responded by lifting me off the ground to sitting on the counter top.

And I just spread my legs so he could come closer and wrapped my thighs around him just needing to feel all of him. And both of us were in desperate need of air so Edward, with a deep intake of air, started kissing my throat and sucking my skin and I was pretty much gone. It may have been Monday morning, and we were going to be late for school, but I just couldn't care less.

EPOV

Bella, on the kitchen counter, and there was no fucking way I was going to be able to stop.

And I just mentally slapped the horny teenager in me. What was I _doing_? After giving the whole spiel about making things special? And it was Monday morning, we had school, and it was Bella. Not some random girl hook-up. This was _not_ how I wanted it to happen. _Not_ how it would happen.

So I slowly tried to pull myself away, but Bella's legs were wrapped around me so tight and she resisted when I tried. She just brought her lips back to mine and drove her tongue down into my throat. Which wasn't helping matters any.

And I barley managed to pull my lips away for a breath and said:

"Not like this."

And Bella knew what I meant. This was not how it was going to be. Because it sure as hell wasn't what Bella deserved, especially for her first time. Which just made me feel bad. I felt like I was damaging something perfect, violating something sacred. And it made me feel like shit.

So thankfully Bella compiled and loosened the grip of her legs around me and disentangled herself. And all she said was,

"Cereal?"

And I just shook my head. I wasn't hungry, and frankly, I was a little disappointed. Fucking amazing kissing and all she could muster up was "cereal?"

Once Bella had washed her bowl, we left the house and walked to my car. We were going to be late for school if I actually stopped by my house so I just shrugged when Bella mentioned it. I would just go to school with the same clothes. No big deal.

Once we got to school, I got out quickly and opened the door for Bella which just made her smile all goofy and we began walking up to the building, my arm wrapped around her waist.

That's when I noticed a red convertible in the middle of the lot. I knew a lot about cars and what everyone drove in town, so I was pretty sure whoever owned the car wasn't from Forks, and I was positive they were loaded because that car cost a fortune.

And that's when I saw the fucking supermodel Barbie get out of her car.

Mwah ha hah ha. Can you guess who it is? Two more characters will be entering the story now. Sorry for whoever didn't really want that but no worries, all focus will still be on Edward and Bella. :) Of course!

_Wow, 99, reviews. seriously i am just so happy and speechless and crazy right now. i don't have words to describe how happy i am or how awesome you all are! so let's just take a moment to bask in your awesomeness....._

_.................................................._

_Okay, now you can go on with the rest of your lives. Reviews are lovely... and i take back what i said last chapter, definitely not better than Edward shirtless. Better than Charlie shirtless? Definitely. Ew, mental scarring. ha ha._


	15. The Cold Truth

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Wow, guys, just wow (speechless from reviews (in good way)). My life is really hectic so this will be the only chapter until Sunday :( I'm sorry but yea..... enjoy!!!!!!_

BPOV

Who are _they_? They must have been new because I was sure I had never seen that car before and I definitely had never seen the gorgeous girls who got out.

When I first saw them, all my insecurities suddenly came flying to the forefront of my mind. Talk about inferiority complexes, they were giving me quite a few.

I learned later that the blond, tall, absolutely drool-over, drop-dead sexy, Victoria Secret model one was Rosalie and her sister, petite, thin, short spiky jet black hair, and just as beautiful, was Alice. And both were impeccably dressed.

Alice was, to say the least, a very enthusiastic girl. She was always practically jumping out of her seat during classes when talking animatedly about herself and couldn't keep her excitement in. Rosalie seemed much more reserved, quiet most the time, but always looked to have her panties in a twist. Wonder why…

Whatever the reason, I invited them to sit with us at lunch, which they accepted gratefully, because they had had the rather unfortunate pleasure of meeting Mike Newton. And they just didn't want him getting any closer. _Creep_. And I totally agreed.

EPOV

To say the least, every girl at Forks high school was mad with jealousy. Because they were perfect in every way. Of course I hoped Bella wasn't as shallow as the rest of the female population of Forks because they didn't hold one millionth of the attraction, beauty, or perfection Bella did.

I took it she wasn't jealous though when she invited Alice and Rosalie to sit with us at lunch. Rosalie was quiet most of the time, adding in a comment here and there, and looking quite pissed. I just assumed that was her normal face for whenever she was bored.

But Alice, she was the polar opposite. Fucking bouncing up and down like a child _all_ the time. And she would _not _stop talking, on and on about fashion, or hair, or whatever it was girls talked about.

And then Emmett walked in the lunchroom and Rosalie minutely straightened herself up and pursed her lips into a smile. She fucking _smiled_. And I never would have thought that was possible but that's when I realized something must be going on between them. Already? Emmett never did waste time in pouncing on new meat…

But it had only been a couple hours, which made me incredulous. But then again, it was _Emmett_.

And Emmett just approached the table, gave me and Jasper a wink, and mouthed the words "janitor's closet" which completely confirmed two times over all my suspicions and doubts.

They had only known each other for four hours and they were already fooling around in the janitor's closet? Damn. Rosalie may have been quiet but she sure as hell was not innocent. Emmet was a, well, _demanding_ type of guy and he never just _kissed_ in the closet. That goes without saying. So Rosalie was easy too. Which surprised me because a girl who looked like that could score any guy and she settled for a big oaf like Emmett?

And Alice didn't know where her next class was but it turns out she had it with Bella and Jasper and Emmett was in the same building so they all left lunch together, a little early.

Which just left Rosalie and me sitting awkwardly alone at the table not really saying much of anything. Then, all of a sudden, Rosalie turned to me, smiled, and asked:

"So, is there anything _fun_ to do in this little town?"

"Well, asides from Emmett's parties, not really."

"And what about Mary-Jane? Does she visit often? In a town like this you _need_ her just to get through the day. It seems so fucking boring."

And I just chuckled. Rosalie was the type of girl I would have loved to hang out and fool around with before I had met Bella. But now I was with Bella, and she had changed a lot of shit for me. She had changed my life.

And I remembered to answer her question, and I'd be truthful. Whatever the fuck she did in her free time was her business, even if it involved illegal shit.

"Well, Jasper and Emmett sometimes take hits in the woods behind school."

The spot used to be my private sanctuary and I would have never told any chick about it, but I didn't plan on going back, so I didn't refrain from telling Rosalie.

And at that, Rosalie dropped her gaze to my crotch, pretty fucking obviously, and said:

"Maybe you could show me sometime."

So she was a whore too... Because she was pretty openly hinting to me the other ideas she had. But she was screwing Emmett….

Then I felt bad, maybe she was a sex addict. _Or,_ she was just your Class A high school skank. Either way, I wasn't having any of that so I said:

"Just ask Emmett, he's _hilarious_ when he's high."

Thankfully, the lunch bell rang at that moment and I got up, said a casual "See ya," and walked off to class. I could tell things were going to get kinda awkward. I decided I wouldn't mention to Emmett his girlfriend's promiscuity and let it drop. And I definitely wouldn't tell Bella because she'd probably be pissed that Rosalie, whom she had so kindly accepted and invited to our lunch table, was spitting game at her man.

And then the absurd image popped into my head. Bella and Rosalie having a cat fight, nails, scratching, and all, and of course, Bella was kicking the crap out of Rosalie because Bella had this hidden feistiness and well, I _was_ biased. Because I fucking loved Bella and I couldn't wait for the day when I would be able to say those words, tell her everything. And give her everything, _all_ of me.

And I just shook off the thought as I rounded the corner and entered the doorway to my next class.

BPOV

I waited for Edward outside, by his car, for fifteen minutes, after which I started getting worried. Where was he?

So I decided to walk out to the spot. I knew it was terrible of me to have so little faith in Edward to think he had relapsed, but there were no other explanations for his absence.

The spot was something I didn't fully understand, especially how Edward talked so reverently about it when it was just a couple of fallen, rotting dead in the woods, logs where he got high.

So I entered the thick woodlands behind the school and followed what seemed like a path, but I couldn't be sure.

And somehow, just when I thought I was hopelessly lost, I heard Emmett's booming laugh and followed the direction of the noise, staring intently at the ground so as not to trip on any ferns or twigs.

And then I saw the light peaking through the trees, where the forest became less dense, and it looked to be a clearing.

Once I got close enough, I saw five figures sitting around on logs which were arranged in a circle and I could make out who were Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, and Edward.

And then, as I saw the smoke rise, my heart sank. They were taking _hits_, and Edward was sitting there, laughing, with them. And I couldn't find the strength to confront Edward, because my heart literally felt like it had been crushed, like it had been put in a vise and screwed to the max. All I could do was hide in a densely overgrown patch of ferns, keel over, and start sobbing in a fetal position, rocking back and forth with my head between my hands. And the only person who would be able to comfort me was the same one causing my pain.

I _really_ thought Edward could change. I thought I meant enough to him so that he would change. And I had foolishly thought that _I_ could change him.

But I had been completely wrong. And I felt terrible. It felt as if someone had literally shoved their hand inside my chest and wrenched my still-beating heart out. And I was gasping for air because it was just so hard to breathe and whatever I did, I couldn't calm myself down.

And I knew Charlie would be getting worried so I tried my best to compose myself before I called him to ask him to pick me up from school. I would just tell him Jessica had given me a ride to school and I stayed late because I had to finish a test that didn't go so well so that's why I was upset. He would buy it, and he wouldn't push the subject.

So I dialed home and spoke to Charlie. The call was brief but he sensed something was wrong and I fed him the bullshit.

And after I hung up, I put the phone back in my pocket and began running as fast as I could out of the woods, trying to run away from all the pain and love that I was trying to deny.

The car ride home was awkward, Charlie trying to avoid addressing my feelings because he was never even comfortable with his own, and when we got home, I quickly fed him dinner so I could escape to my room.

Which only reminded me of Edward because his excruciatingly lovely scent was still on my pillows and the memory of him spending the night with me was fresh in my mind. And I couldn't take it. Any of it.

I tried to distract myself with anything. I cleaned my room twice, organized my bookshelves, and finally got ready for bed and another night of sleep I knew I wouldn't be able to achieve.

But when I opened the mirror cabinet in the bathroom to remove my toothbrush, I noticed Charlie's pill containers neatly ordered in alphabetical order.

And the one that caught my eye was on the end, _Vicadin_. The dentist had prescribed it after Charlie had had his wisdom teeth removed and he would never notice if I took a couple. And I justified it by saying it would help me sleep, make me drowsy and unable to keep my eyes open, and put me out of my misery.

So I filled the cup I usually used to rinse out my mouth with cold tap water, popped three pills in my mouth figuring it would do the trick, and swallowed with a quick swig.

And as I finished my normal bed routine, I felt the drowsiness slowly creep up on me and I got under my covers, willing the abyss of unconsciousness to take me.

_I had been a fool… Too good to be true_… All those fucking love songs ringing in my head with the clichéd lyrics that fucking described my life right now.

Fuck, Edward was torturing me. And fuck, I couldn't convince my heart, or whatever was left of it anyway, to let go. Because life never was that easy. _Love_ never was that easy.

And fuck, after all he had done I still loved him?

EPOV

"Bella?"

I had tapped the window three times before I somehow managed to raise it myself from the outside because she had left it unlocked.

I came over, well, to sleep with her again, but also to apologize for being such a dick earlier. I honestly had planned to bring her home after school, but Rosalie begged me to show her the spot so I thought I could quickly show her and get back to Bella. But then Emmett, Jasper, and Alice were already there and they begged me to stay.

And once they began taking bong hits, I got really uneasy. I had just spent weeks with Bella getting over this shit and it was all about to go down the drain.

Fuck. She would be so pissed and hurt if I relapsed so I tried to convince myself to walk away. And somehow, I found the strength to do it. I stopped breathing to keep as little of the enticing scent from getting into my system and keying my whole body up in anticipation for a new high. I _had_ to leave. So I just got up, gave a wave, and got the fuck out of there. And I fucking started running when I was out of their view because I had to get as far away from that shit as possible.

And then, I actually went home to do homework, yeah, I know, Edward the fucking angel child. And I thought about calling Bella and apologizing, but I thought I would just surprise her at night with some ice cream to make her forgive me. I would just let her blow off steam for now.

So when I finally got to her house, I parked the car at the end of the street, fucking excited to see Bella, and ran to the tree. I climbed up, which was extremely difficult with the tub of mint chip ice cream in my hand.

And when Bella didn't respond to my rapping, I just went in. And she didn't respond when I called her name in the dark of her room either. So I set the tub of ice cream down, thinking she was playing asleep and was still annoyed for earlier and went over to the side of her bed.

I decided to do damage control by kissing Bella's forehead which felt unusually cold so I pushed her hair back from her face and noticed it felt cold to my hands too. So I leaned in close and whispered in her ear:

"I'm really sorry about earlier. But I have _ice cream_!"

And I would have expected a gasp or giggle or some type of reaction from Bella who was just lying pretty still.

So I decided she was playing hard to get and I kissed her closed eyelids tenderly, and moved my lips down to her own and molded my lips to hers, gently caressing her lips with my tongue. But she still wouldn't respond.

That's when I realized Bella was _too_ still, and she wasn't fucking breathing. Shit! I checked her pulse which I couldn't feel either and I just began freaking out. What the fuck had happened?

And because Bella's safety was the only thing that mattered to me at that moment, I busted open her door, hurled myself down the stairs, and came to a screeching halt in front of Charlie.

And his face just looked shocked. He was still trying to process what just happened and what was going on but I didn't have time for this shit so I said breathlessly:

"Bella's unconscious. She's not breathing and I can't find a pulse. Call 911."

And as much as I knew Charlie resented me, he grasped the intensity of the situation and immediately snapped into action, complying with my request.

And I just fucking ran as fast as I could back up the stairs, to Bella's side. I began shaking Bella's limbs frantically, trying to get some response. I slapped her cheeks a couple of times and yelled at her desperately to wake up.

"Fuck, Bella. Wake up! Wake up god damn it!"

And tears just began streaming down my face as I watched death taunt me once again, and by taking Bella's life, steal my own.

Because if Bella didn't fucking make it, I was done for too.

_I know, woah right? Couldn't resist.... :) Reviews are awesome... and well, the story isn't right now :( And once again, mucho love to all my twilight buddies out there!!!!_


	16. Black Holes and Revelations

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer_

_Okay guys, i couldn't wait till sunday to post. too excited. so this is some trippy shit coming up ;) so don't freak out... :)_

_and as always, enjoy!_

BPOV

I thought I was having a dream, but I couldn't be sure because it seemed so much like reality. The bad things was, it was a nightmare.

Or so I hoped. Because in my nightmare I was having an out-of-body experience. And it wasn't a good one.

Somehow, I was looking at my own lifeless body with a bird's-eye view noticing the pale blue tint to my skin. Or was I just imagining that?

The worst part was I was in a hospital, which I recognized to be the same one where I had gotten my cast at. I was lying in an emergency room bed with a hundred different things attached to me that all had red readings and were low. _Not good._

And I was able to catch the last words the nurse said before she gave a sorrow filled look to Charlie who was standing, leaning against a wall, arms crossed, eyes red with recent activity.

She had said, "critical condition," which couldn't be good.

Then I looked around the rest of the room and when I caught sight of Edward, my heart skipped a beat. Literally. Because the heart monitor stopped for a second and both Charlie and Edward looked up, holding their breath, looking pretty scared. But then it resumed and they gained their previous positions, each in his own world trying to deal with whatever was causing them pain.

Then I realized the reality of the situation. All the disjoint thoughts came together in my head because I realized then, that Charlie and Edward were distraught over _me_ because _I _was in critical condition.

And the last twelve hours came rushing back to me. I remember having taken a couple Vicadin, I wasn't really sure how many, and the numb feeling spread through my body. The pain had just drifted away as I lost consciousness, along with all rational thoughts, and I smiled, having all the heavy burdens lifted from my shoulders.

And the next conscious thought that went through my head was that someone was near me. I felt the shocking electricity and knew it had to be Edward. I wanted to get up and scream at him and just let out all my disappointment, and I also just wanted to hug him tightly, thankful he was here.

But my limbs were numb. I couldn't open my mouth to say anything, and I couldn't even open my eyelids. And I kinda started panicking, especially when I felt Edward's hand frantically slapping and cupping my face trying to get some reaction out of me.

In that moment, I realized I was dying. And that thought just made me fall over the edge once more. I was gone into a deep unconsciousness I wasn't sure I'd be able to get out of. Because, in that moment, I was drowning, and no one could save me.

The next thing I felt were three different shocks. Two were fairly close on my chest, I thinking aiming for my heart, but the third was significantly stronger than the others and started in my hand and sent a jolt through my whole body, suddenly making my brain more aware and instilling this random feeling of determination to live, to get through this.

The first two shocks I believed were a defibrillator's paddles trying to save me from the encroaching darkness. But that wasn't what saved me, it was the third shock that revived me.

The warm one, that spread through my system like a brush fire, leaving a mild tingling in its wake. _Edward_ had saved me.

And although I was mad because of his relapse, I couldn't come to care in that moment because he had saved me. _Again_.

And I just wanted to jump off the bed, hug Edward with all I had, and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. Because with us, it always seemed that way.

EPOV

It was my dad lying in the hospital all over again. But he hadn't lasted this long, twelve fucking hours. He hadn't persevered, and he hadn't come through.

And I just fucking hoped that wasn't the case. Bella, lying in the bed, pale as fuck, and there was nothing I could do.

The doctors had said something like drug overdose when explaining how she had ended up unconscious but that didn't sound like Bella. Fuck, that sounded like _me_. And if it weren't for Bella, I would probably be in the same exact position right now because my problems had only been getting worse until I met her.

And Charlie was just so fucking torn he told me he had to leave and take a walk around. He hadn't said one word about why I had been in his daughter's room but by this time, he probably couldn't fucking care less.

And to prove that point, before he left the room, he said:

"Edward, I have no idea what you were doing in Bella's room but if you hadn't found her, she might not be here right now, so, thank you."

And with that, he just walked out of the room leaving me fucking speechless.

And I didn't know what compelled me to do it, but I just knew I had to in that moment because, I realized, no matter how fucking hard it was to think, that this may be my last chance.

If Bella was going to slip away from me, I wanted her to fucking know how I felt.

So I neared the bed, careful not to step on or interfere with any tubes going into Bella, and took her hand.

It was cold, but not as cold as earlier, and I just began rubbing circles with my thumb on the back of her hand.

And I hoped she could fucking hear me, wherever she was.

I leaned my head in really close, putting my lips to Bella's ear, and said:

"Bella, I've waited a long time to say this. And I wished it could be under better circumstances and that it wasn't here, in this place… but… I, I fucking _love you_ Isabella Marie Swan. I love you, have loved you, and will love you for the rest of my life. And I can't tell you how much I fucking need you here, right now with me, so don't give up, alright? You fucking stick with me Bella. Because I'm not letting you go anywhere."

And with that, I brought my lips to her forehead, fucking pouring all my love for her through my lips onto her delicate skin.

BPOV

I _had _to wake up. _Right now._ Jesus fucking Christ! Why couldn't my body just listen to me and get the fuck up?

Edward had told me he loved me, and even though I was staring down at him from the air when he said it, I couldn't help feel the utter sincerity in every word. I _needed_ to show him what that meant to me and I couldn't _move_.

What happened earlier, that didn't matter to me. We'd get through that shit one step at a time. Because nothing else mattered, _nothing_ was more important than what existed right now between Edward and me.

Just wake up already! And I focused all my will power to just raise my hand, and to my astonishment, I think I got it to twitch. Only I would notice it from my high view but that meant I was gaining consciousness again, slowly.

And I was so impatient because I needed to jump into Edward's lap and pour all my love for him into a kiss or a gaze or something because my heart was swelling up and it was going to burst soon.

And Edward just stayed with me the whole time. He was missing school just to sit next to my still body and kept one hand on me at all times, afraid to let go, which pleased me quite a bit.

Charlie popped in and out, unable to bear seeing me so weak, and hopefully slowly began growing accustomed to the idea of Edward next to me at all times. Because there was no way I was ever going to let him go.

And Esme would pop in every once in a while to check up on me and ask Edward if he needed anything. She told him to go rest on one of the beds in the adjourning room but he vehemently refused to ever leave my side, declaring such thoughts as utterly absurd and impossible.

And slowly my high began to fade and I felt myself being lowered down, nearing my body, till I finally reentered it. Or that's what it felt like.

EPOV

It had been twenty-one long fucking hours. And I knew if Bella didn't snap out of it soon, things weren't going to be okay.

The whole time I just sat there, next to her, not moving one bit. I really had to fucking pee and my stomach would growl in protest once in a while but I refused to move.

And during that whole time, I talked to Bella. It may have been really silly because only God knows if she could hear me, but I told her stories from my childhood. Some fond memories that I never had shared with anyone and barely ever let myself thing about. Mostly because they involved Carlisle, but I needed Bella to know, I _wanted_ Bella to know.

And after a while of story telling, my mind began to drift. Why was Bella even here anyway? Why had she taken too many pills or any in the first place? Had _I _done something to drive her to such extremes?

And I couldn't complete that thought because it brought too much fucking pain, like I was being stabbed. If Bella was here because of me, I would never forgive myself. That meant I was only harming her and needed to back the fuck off. And as much as I hated the sound of that, I knew it was the right thing to do if that was the case.

If Bella had almost died because of me, then it wasn't death stealing her, it was me. Had _I_ sucked the life out of her like Carlisle fucking Cullen? I really hoped that wasn't the case. Because as much as I needed Bella for my own selfish reasons, I needed her to be happy and safe. Love kinda did that to you, it put that one person above all your own needs. And if I was unhealthy for Bella, I'd find the strength to leave, because I vowed to myself in that moment that I would never hurt Isabella Swan ever again.

_Yeah.... so that was the chapter. Reviews are nice and hope you guys still don't hate me for last time. not so much a cliff this time ;)_

_Plus, the title is from the band Muse.... not mine either!  
_


	17. Alive with the Glory of Love

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. OMG you guys!!! This story is so intense right now and it's so hard to write but here goes nothing... plusss, thanks for all the reviews! I just do a happy dance every time i check my email !!!!_

BPOV

I smelt flowers.

The first conscious thought I had was that I smelt flowers. And they smelled pretty good. And I knew it was ridiculous that I was focusing on something so silly but damn, did it feel good to be alive.

And with that in my mind, I opened my eyes, and saw Alice peering down on me with a smile, lightly hopping up and down.

"Guys! She's awake!"

"Hi to you too Alice," and my voice sounded kinda raspy which was probably from the lack of any liquid since I had blacked out.

Then I noticed someone squeezing my hand and I looked to see Edward's breath-taking face looking at me with a smile fleeting his lips yet still managing to hold some concern.

And I just gave him a big smile, squeezed his hand back and said,

"Thank you for staying, the stories were _amazing_."

And Edward just gaped at me, in utter disbelief.

"You could, _hear me_?" and I saw him gulp, like he was worried about something he had said.

"I heard _every word_," I assured him. Like that little, four-letter one that stars with an l…. _love_…. I had so much I wanted to tell him, like reply or feedback to that comment, but I knew it would just have to wait till we were alone.

Because I was reminded of the crowd when I heard Rosalie slap the back of Emmett's head.

"Ow, what was that for?"

"Don't think I can't see you trying to steal Bella's chocolate!"

"Rosalie, it's okay. I don't mind. There's plenty enough for everyone. Emmett, go ahead and take however many you want."

"Jeez, thanks Bella, glad to know _someone_ around here is nice."

I chuckled, it was just chocolate. And Alice all of a sudden butt in and said,

"Rosalie, Emmett, I'm kinda hungry and I'm sure Emmett is too. Let's go check out the café, kay?"

Rosalie replied unsurely,

"_Okaaaaay_, would that be alright Bella?"

"Yeah, perfectly fine."

And I threw Alice a grateful look because she must have known Edward and I wanted some alone time. I could tell, Alice and were going to be very good friends.

And after they left I said:

"So where's Charlie?" Didn't he want to see his daughter alive?

"I think he's talking to Renee. She's been really worried…."

"Oh Edward, I'm so sorry. I just, didn't know it was too much. Honest mistake, you know?"

"Bella, it wasn't just Tylenol P.M., it was _Vicadin_. What were you doing taking that? If your wrist was starting to bother you again, why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't my wrist. I just, needed something to help me relax and sleep."

"Bella, be serious. There's more to it than that and we both know it!" And Edward's tone had started to become more aggravated by the moment. Was he angry at me? I just came out of a coma and he was _angry_ at me?

"Edward, if you're angry, just spit it out."

"Bella, yes, I'm _angry_. I'm angry that you would do something like that, especially for some silly reason that you're not telling me. But most of all, I'm angry at myself for letting this happen. I should have been with you all day and I'm sorry I didn't show after school, I just got, side-tracked."

"No need to lie, I know you smoked Edward."

"How would you know?"

"I came to the spot, I _saw_ you, with Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, and Alice. I saw you all taking hits."

"Yes, Bella, I was there. But when they started taking hits I left. I didn't do _anything_."

And all the effort he poured into that last word told me he was telling the truth.

"I'm sorry. I guess, I just believed what I saw. I'm sorry I didn't have more faith in you."

And I couldn't look Edward in the eye when I said this because it was embarrassing that I didn't believe him.

But Edward wasn't allowing that, so he took my chin in his hand and brought my face up to his. He gazed into my eyes and said with a pained voice:

"Is that why you did it? Did you take the pills because of _me_?"

And I was a horrendous liar so there was no way I was going to slip by Edward's bullshit detector and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to tell him the truth because I knew it would hurt him but I didn't really have any other options….

"I don't know. I just, needed some rest and my mind was pretty full with what I thought happened…" I was trying my best to evade the complete truth.

"Yes or no Bella?" he asked in a stern voice.

"Yes?" I whispered back.

EPOV

I fucking knew it_. I_ had almost killed Bella. I didn't know a shit ton about love but I knew enough to safely say you weren't supposed to kill the one you loved. That was _not_ supposed to be one of the effects.

And I was so disgusted with myself I pushed my chair back roughly, let go of Bella's hand, and got up. I started pacing across the small room, thinking. This meant only one thing, _I had to leave_.

"Edward?" Bella asked quietly, "W-what are you doing?"

"Bella, I, I have to go."

"Why?" And her voice sounded so hurt and small I couldn't look her in the face because I knew that would make me completely unravel.

"I… have a lot to do."

BPOV

_Please_. A lot to do? Edward didn't _do_ anything. Well, yes, he had started doing his homework lately but he wasn't _that _busy. He was _never _too busy for me.

"Edward, look at me." And I wasn't giving him any of my small, unsure voice anymore. I was downright assertive.

EPOV

_Fuck_. She wanted me to _look_ at her? I wasn't going to make it if I did that. But I couldn't refuse Bella either…

So I looked. And she was gazing intensely at me. And I couldn't break it. I couldn't look away.

"Come here."

_Shit_. She was going to touch me _too_? I was fucked. And I obeyed.

Once I was close enough, she took my hand and squeezed gently. I just shivered because she sent an intense shock through my system.

"Lay next to me?" And she was back to the soft voice, pleading.

As much as I was disgusted with myself, Bella was still perfect, cherubic Bella, so I couldn't help but lie down.

The bed was small, but we managed to fit. And she just snuggled close to me, lying her head on my chest and her arm across my stomach.

"Much better. Now never leave."

And although she said those words with eyes closed, and a smile on her lips, I knew she was being completely serious.

And it fucking killed me to the core. This was _my_ fault. And as if she knew what I was thinking, she said:

"Edward, don't for one second think this is your fault. It was a stupid mistake. Do you hear me?"

And I couldn't respond to that. I couldn't agree with what Bella had just said.

So she opened her eyes, the smile fading from her lips, and she looked up at me staring down on her.

"I can't _do_ that Bella."

"You don't have a choice."

Fuck love. It never gave you choices. It led you wherever it wanted you to go and you were helpless to follow.

But I wouldn't give up just yet. I would persist.

"I'm not giving up just yet."

"Well, neither am I!" Bella shot back.

And I just gave a helpless chuckle. She was so _stubborn_ sometimes.

BPOV

I was so tired and I felt completely safe in his arms so that's about when I drifted off into sleep. Not the forced, drug-induced sleep, but the kind that just took you over when you were completely at ease. _Blissful_ sleep.

And I was woken up by the nurse clearing her throat. I opened my eyes, pretty peeved, and notice Esme at my bed side looking down on Edward, who was still asleep next to me, with love, joy, and _pride_? So I guess _she_ had no problems with us. And I smiled at the thought until I remembered Charlie.

_Shit_. He _definitely_ would not be happy. And I looked around the room, but the coast was clear. Safe for _now_ I thought.

"Sorry to wake you Bella, but you must be starving and Edward told me how much you like ice cream so I brought you some warm food and a hoodsie cup."

So Edward had been talking about me? That just made me smile all wide and goofy. Well, that _and_ the fact that Esme brought me a hoodsie cup. I couldn't really hide my excitement.

"Thanks, you really didn't need to."

"Don't be silly, it's my job. Now, do you want to eat it in bed or would you like to sit on a chair? They told me you should stay in bed but what they don't know can't hurt them, right?"

And Esme winked. I was _really_ starting to like Edward's mom.

"Yeah, a chair would be great. Too long lying down, you know?"

Esme just nodded her head and set the tray of food on the table next to the chair while I gently pulled the bed covers off me so as not to wake Edward, and tried to swing my legs off the bed.

And I just figured I was so tired that it would take more effort to get up that I tried again, but still unsuccessful. Weird, my legs weren't responding…

"Esme, is it weird for my body to be really tired right now?"

"No, that's completely normal. Why?"

"I can't move my legs."

And Esme rushed over and said:

"What do you mean Bella?"

"I can't _move_ them."

Esme's face started to become alarmed and she said:

"Try wiggling your toes, Bella."

I tried, but still couldn't.

"I can't…."

And the fear started creeping into my voice.

"Bella, I'm going to swing your legs over the bed for you and test your knee reflexes, okay?"

"Okay…."

And when she used the knee-jerking thing to whack my knee, my knee didn't do it's normal jerk reaction, I didn't even feel it.

"Bella, I…"

"Yeah?"

And as much as I wanted to know what she was going to say, I was scared; afraid to hear what part of me already knew.

"Let me get the doctor. Just, stay put."

Yeah, well, don't really have a choice do I? And my frustrating with the situation was causing me to get angry. Esme just rushed out of the room, down the hall, and out of sight.

That's when I remembered Edward by my side, because he mumbled something and adjusted his position and reached his arm over and only found my pillow. He then proceeded to open his eyes and as much as I wanted to smile for Edward, the best I was able to do was hide the worry from my face.

_Once again, the title of the chapter is not mine, belongs to Say Anything. But it fit so I used it.... :) Reviews are awesome and... I can't wait to write more!!!!_


	18. Paralyzer

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Woah, this was a hard chapter to write. I re-wrote parts and woah. Hope you guys like it! _

_Enjoy! :)_

EPOV

Pillow? Wasn't Bella fucking next to me? So I opened my eyes because I was pretty confused, and found Bella looking at me.

She wasn't smiling and I couldn't really tell how she was feeling. Frankly, she looked constipated, but I think that's the face she makes when she's hiding something.

Yeah. Something was definitely wrong. And I had to find out what.

"Bellaaaa, you okay?"

"No."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know…"

And she just started crying. Quiet sobs that somehow managed to shake her frail body. So I hugged her, it was the least I could do. And she dug her face into my shoulder, getting my shirt all wet. I rubbed circles on her back, trying to comfort her. I decided I wouldn't push her to tell me what was wrong.

Then Esme rushed in, followed by the doctor, and both ran to Bella's side. The doctor took out his knee-jerking thing and asked Bella silently for permission to try it. Once he hit her knee, she didn't move one bit. I don't know much about medicine but I knew enough to tell that wasn't normal.

The doctor just made a perplexed face and began pinching each of Bella's toes to see if she would respond to the pain. She didn't.

All she did was start crying harder and I was confused. Bella couldn't feel her legs?

And when that realization finally made its way to my brain, the reality of the situation dawned upon me and I almost broke down on the spot.

Not only was Bella paralyzed from the waist down, _I_ was the reason for it. So she would suffer everyday of her life because I was stupid enough to show Rosalie the fucking spot?

I hated myself so much in that moment that 'I felt like shit' didn't fucking describe it. _I_ had disabled Bella.

And in that moment, I felt the urge to do something I had never done before. Heck, I had even laughed about it and called it stupid, but it was the only thing I could do, I _would_ do.

I knew Bella would get the wrong idea if I left her now, but I had to. I was leaving _for_ her. So I told Bella I'd be back in fifteen minutes because I needed to go do something. Her face was filled with hurt but she just nodded and I got up from the bed. I swiftly got out of the room and headed down the hall, vaguely aware of how to get there. I took the elevator to the second floor and circled around the floor until I found the door. I took a deep breath, shook my head at what I was doing, turned the knob with my hand, and walked in.

BPOV

He left me. When I needed him most, he left. I knew he'd come back like he said he would, but I couldn't help feeling pretty alone. But something about his face when he said he needed to go gave me the strength to let him. Because really, I was a selfish person and I wouldn't have let him leave. But I could tell he needed whatever he was leaving to go do. So I just waited.

I waited for Charlie to show up, for Edward to come back, and for my life to stop being so fucking difficult.

EPOV

Prayer.

If you had said that to me before I met Bella and her overdose, I would have scoffed. But that's what I had to do. That's why I was sitting in the hospital chapel, light shining through the stained-glass windows, taunting my fucking dark life.

God.

How many times had I used his name in vain? With an expletive in the same sentence?

But I was praying for _Bella_. So whatever the fuck I had done or had been in the past didn't matter.

_And I didn't know where to start._

**(A/N All underlined is in Edward's head. It's his praying…)**

God, this is me, the fuck-up Edward Cullen. You know what's wrong and you know just how to fix it. Please, _I_ may deserved this but Bella, she's good, she's pure. She's a fucking angel. And you cut her wings. Her fucking wings!

All I'm asking is let her fly again. I won't weigh her down anymore, I promise. I'll shape up. I won't be the screwball crack head, I'll be the Edward Cullen Esme can be proud of, the Edward Cullen who doesn't follow his father's footsteps, and the Edward Cullen who can be the type of man Bella deserves.

I've lived half my fucking life in a haze. All I'm asking for is a little guidance, a point in the right direction, a fucking miracle. Just make Bella better, please. I'll do anything. Because I need her. All 100 fucking percent of her alive, well, and mobile. She deserves a normal life and I _love_ her. I _love_ Bella. I want to marry her, have her babies, and fucking spoil her senseless. I want to giver her everything. _Please_, just give me the chance… 

And I was going to continue with my mental pleas when I felt a hand on my shoulder. And when I opened my eyes to see who was sitting behind me, I noticed I was crying because tears were falling from my face.

Charlie. Charlie was grasping my shoulder, and he said:

"It'll be okay Edward. Bella's good, God knows that. She'll get better."

And with that, Charlie got up, came around to my pew, and gave me a hug. Under any other circumstances I would have thought this was extremely awkward and uncomfortable but now, it seemed strangely comforting and relaxing.

"Edward, I was wrong about you. You've been here with Bella since she got her and you have never left her side. I'm sorry for thinking any less of you."

Bonding moment? I guess that's what I would label this as because there was no better description.

So we got up together and returned to the room where Bella was on a wheel chair and it looked like they were going to run some tests.

And when Bella saw me, she fucking smiled. A big smile that I didn't deserve in the least that just made me feel worse.

So I took a deep breath, swallowed all my self-loathing, and walked up to Bella.

She took my hand and squeezed silently telling me she was okay and asked the doctor,

"Would it be okay if Edward came with me to the tests?"

"Of course, that won't be a problem."

BPOV

He came back, so I smiled. Fifteen minutes had been too long and I was eager for his touch again.

He spent the rest of the day with me, test after test, all confirming the same thing.

I was paralyzed from the waist down.

The implications of this statement were hard for me to grasp. They weren't sure if I'd be stuck like this for life, but it didn't look good. And I thought of Edward. Would he stay with me despite my disability? Sure he was here _now_, but what about in a couple weeks, a couple of months, I'm sure my immobility would eventually get to him. After all, I was no longer the same Bella.

And this realization brought on a whole new wave of tears after I was already in my hospital room, lying in the bed after all the terrible tests. Of course Edward was right by me the whole time, hugging me closely and placing gentle kisses in my hair trying to reassure me. But things _wouldn't_ be okay and I was tired of his pretending.

"Edward?" I asked quietly between sniffs trying to recover from my tears.

"Yeah?"

"Where do we go from here?"

"What do you mean?" he asked with genuine confusion.

"I can't _walk_ Edward. I'm not the same… I'm permanently out-of-order, damaged beyond repair. You can't possibly want to stick by me…"

And Edward just growled, roughly forcing my eyes to meet his and gave me a look like I was utterly absurd.

"Bella, don't you for one second think you are some sort of _damaged goods_. I love you and will _always_ love you no matter what happens. You are the same exact Bella you were two days ago. Nothing can change the way I feel for you, not this, not now, not fucking ever."

"I love you too Edward," I whispered and I squeezed him tightly to emphasize my point.

They said I could leave the hospital the next day so I fell asleep with Edward holding steadfastly onto me.

When I woke up I found Edward staring at me. It made me blush furiously because I had no idea how long he had been staring.

"You know you're the most beautiful human being I've ever seen, right?"

"Well, then, I guess you haven't looked in a mirror," I replied jokingly. But secretly, his statement made me inflate inside and swell with happiness like a balloon.

"You don't see yourself clearly Bella. Maybe I should show you…."

And with that Edward started giving me small pecks on my face. I closed my eyes and smiled at the sensation his kisses left behind where his lips had touched my skin and he kept kissing everywhere, my eyelids, my nose, my cheeks, taunting me until I couldn't wait any longer so I opened my eyes, pushed Edward with all my upper body strength back onto the bed, and attacked his lips. I was pretty much in heaven. The only conscious thought I had was that I hoped Charlie wasn't in the room to see this, and I hoped he never walked in, because I didn't want it to end.

EPOV

Damn. Bella was so sexy when she was assertive and pushed me down on the bed. But I had to control myself. We were kinda in public, not to mention kinda in danger of Charlie intruding at any time, and I couldn't let myself get too excited or else I don't think Charlie would like me anymore.

And let me tell you, the self-control was hard. Like _really_ hard. Bella almost on top of me sucking my face off and I had to stop it soon or else I would probably get carried away… and this wasn't the place or time.

So I slowly pulled away with a smile forming on my lips and looked Bella in the eyes. Her expression was similar to mine but she looked almost a little disappointed.

"Why'd you stop?"

"Bella, we're kinda in public and your dad could come back at any moment."

"So?" and now she looked a little peeved.

"Later, Bella. Patience. When we're home."

And she slouched her shoulders in defeat, knowing I was right.

Charlie came in at that moment, slowing down considerably when he saw us in the bed together. _Awkward_.

"So, um, Bella, we can go now. I'll put your stuff in the car and bring the car up front. Okay?"

"Sure, dad. I'll be down in no time."

Once Charlie left with Bella's bags she lifted her upper half up and I quickly got out of the bed to help her into the wheel chair. Once she was situated she asked:

"Edward? Will you come home with me? I know you might have other plans but if you want, you can come over…"

"Of course Bella. Where else would I be silly?"

And she beamed when I said that. Who knew it took so little to make her happy?

So I wheeled her out of the room, down the elevator, and helped her into the back seat of Charlie's cop car. I kissed her forehead and walked around the car to sit on the other side because my car was still at the end of her street.

The car ride was silent. Everyone was caught up in their own thoughts. I couldn't speak for Charlie or Bella, but I knew I was thinking about what was going to happen. As much as I knew I was a terrible influence on Bella, we both needed each other so much I didn't think I could ever leave. Because although Bella couldn't use her legs, _I_ would be her support. I would help her from now on and catch her every time she fell. _I_ would be her guardian angel.

_Hokay, couple of things I would like to say. The whole part with Edward praying and God... well, I'm not trying to make this religious or anything so don't think too much about that. God probably won't be making anymore appearances unless they swear. ha ha!_

_Second of all, the story will probably be ending sorta soon... Maybe a couple of chapters left unless I can think of more to write after the last one I have planned. Sorry guys, I would love it to go on but Edward and Bella deserve their happiness. Plus, I have this new idea brewing in my head and I can't wait to get it out after I finish this story because I can't handle two at once!_

_Anyway. Last thing I'd like to say is prepare yourselves!!! Next chapter is going to be... how shall I say it? Smutty! Ha ha. I'm kinda new to that stuff but I felt it necessary so you'll just have to bear with all awkward smuttyness I put in the story. But hopefully it won't be a failure and will actually be good. So some lemons next chapter. Just to keep everyone on edge! Ha ha._

_Reviews are awesome and well... almost two hundred?!?!? That is effing amazing!!! Wow, guys, you just make me feel so happy and I couldn't ask for better or nicer reviews!!! Thanks a bunch!_


	19. Coming Clean

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer._

_Hokay, so first of all I'd like to sincerely apologize for having updated so late! I've just been so busy!! I'm so sorry and yeah... _

_Second of all, last chapter they Bella and Edward were on their way home from the hospital and she's paralyzed... just a refresher..._

_Third of all, I'd like to warn everyone, especially younger readers, this is a SMUTTY chapter. It is my first attempt, so sorry if it comes out horrible. But i would just like to say nothing terribly important happens in this chapter and it is hardly PG so if some readers don't feel comfortable reading stuff like that, please don't read it. I wouldn't want anyone to be uncomfortable!_

_And lastly, I'd like to address an annonymous review I got just because I want to clarify something. I know earlier in the story I mentioned Edward had slept with three girls and in no way does that reflect my personal view as a man-whore. I apologize if it came off that I thought sleeping with three people was a lot... that's just in this story. So sorry if I offended anyone. :)_

BPOV

Once we got home, the first thing I wanted to do was shower. And I knew from now on showers would be infinitely more complicated. I definitely wasn't willing to let Charlie help me and there were no women around so I would just have to settle for Edward. That thought made me smile and blush at the same time. Edward just looked at me across the back seat with one eyebrow raised, trying to understand the sudden heat to my cheeks. I didn't bother to explain, he'd know soon enough. Of course, I wasn't sure how Charlie would react having my boyfriend washing me naked, but he didn't really have a choice. Anyway, it wasn't like Edward was just some fling, we both knew, and I think even Charlie had a hunch, it was much, much more.

So finally, when we pulled up into the driveway and Charlie stopped the car, Charlie went to the trunk to take my bags to my room while Edward helped me into my wheelchair and helped me up the porch stairs into the house. I hadn't realized till now getting up the stairs _to_ my shower would be a problem too. But not to worry, Edward was already on that, he had lifted me out of the wheel chair and was carrying me up the stairs before I knew it.

"Thank you, Edward."

"My _pleasure_."

And the way he said that word made a shiver run down my spine, a _good_ shiver.

Once we were up the stairs, Edward brought me to my room and set me down gently on my bed on which, I was pleasantly surprised, I could make myself sit up straight. Charlie came in with my wheelchair, placing it against the wall, and said:

"Is there anything else Bella I can do for you? Are you hungry? Tired?"

"Honestly dad, I could really use a shower about now."

"Okaaaaay, but I don't think you'll be able to do that alone. Maybe Esme would be willing to come down after her shift and help you."

"Actually, dad, I'd like to take one now."

"Bella, I won't be able to help you and…"

And once the understanding dawned upon him at what I was suggesting, his face started to grow red. Darker, darker, darker, approaching a bluish-purple.

"I'm sure Edward could help me dad. Isn't that right Edward?"

EPOV

Oh fuck. Bella wanted me to help her in the shower? My hands on her hot, naked, wet body?

Oh, _fuck_. It's not like I didn't like that idea. I _loved_ it. But with Charlie there and Bella so obviously hinting at it and shit… I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I would hurt Bella's feelings if I said no and Charlie might possibly kill me if I agreed to "help" his innocent daughter.

Thankfully, I was spared from choosing because Charlie said in a very quiet and barely controlled voice,

"Fine. But I'm warning you Edward Cullen, don't you try anything funny or make my daughter uncomfortable, _understand_?"

"Yes, sir."

And before he could lose his temper, he left the room, stomped down the stairs, and turned on the T.V.

Bella chuckled and said,

"Wow, he actually agreed. And he didn't even touch his gun!"

And I just gulped. Because I thought dealing with Charlie had been hard, but I knew this shower was going to be even harder. I had never seen Bella naked and I, Edward Cullen, actually started getting a little nervous.

I noticed Bella wasn't in much better shape because I saw her taking deep breaths, I think trying to have a little pep talk with herself.

"Bella, if you want, we can wait for Esme… or you could wear a bathing suit?"

Bella shot her head up at this, bore her gaze down deep into my soul, and said:

"No, Edward. I _want_ to do this. And how do you think I would get in the bathing suit anyway? No, no bathing suit. I want this, right now."

And her assertiveness was just so damn sexy I snapped into action. I was so eager, I scooped Bella up swiftly and brought her into the bathroom. I wasn't sure how we were going to do this, but we'd figure it out.

BPOV

"You need to turn the water on so it'll be warm Edward."

With that, Edward gently set me down on the closed toilet seat and turned on the water.

When he turned around I surprised him with already having removed my sweater. I could do that much at least and I heard him gasp. I looked down at the bra I was wearing, nothing special or Vicotria-Secret-sexy but when I looked back up at Edward, I didn't think it really made a difference. His eyes were already slightly hooded which made my own breathing speed up a little to my embarrassment.

And because I wouldn't be able to remove my pants alone and because I just wanted to feel Edward's hands on me, I said,

"I'm going to need some help with my pants Edward."

So Edward snapped out of his dark, and dare I saw desirable, trance and lifted me up so that I was leaning on him, my almost bare chest against his thin, tight shirt. And if I couldn't feel the energy between us before, it was definitely there now and we were both hyper-aware of it.

I held onto Edward's torso so he could help me with my pants and I couldn't help running my hands up and down his sculpted body. How did people become this delicious or sexy? It was practically a criminal offense. And how the hell did I get so lucky?

But I was taken out of my ogling as I felt Edward's hands on the button of my jeans then undoing the zipper. And it was kinda like senses overload because I was a virgin and I had never been touched so low, down _there_. And Edward just continued to gently pry my pants off, skimming over my skin with his fingers. And I could see the tension in his arms because they were shaking slightly. I wasn't sure if he was nervous or just trying to stay cool with a half-naked girl in front of him. But I smiled at the idea of making Edward excited, that he was trying to control what I was doing to him.

He finally pried my jeans off all the way and threw them to the floor at the other end of the bathroom. And because he was such a gentleman, he _had_ to ask again, which made me chuckle because it wasn't like we were having sex or anything.

"Are you _sure_ Bella?" he said huskily which just made me even more sure. I hadn't once questioned what we were doing and I wasn't about to turn back now.

So I seductively, yes, I don't know where it came from but some new-found confidence made me suddenly bolder, I seductively whispered in Edward's ear:

"I am 100% sure I want you _now_, Edward, washing my body."

And finally, Edward let go a little of his control and crushed his lips to mine with so much power, need, and desire it was overwhelming. I just moved my hands to his neck and intertwined my fingers to pull him closer and worked my way up into his hair, taking fistfuls, and shoving myself closer. Before my tongue could enter the picture, Edward pulled away and purred,

"The water will get cold."

And I just whimpered. Who cared about the stupid shower now anyway?

And then I had an idea. Edward was going to help me anyway so there was no reason for him to keep his clothes on either. So I began tugging at his shirt, trying to lift it from his body and he got the message so he slipped it off in one fluid movement. And while he was holding onto me to make sure I didn't fall, I attacked his belt buckle and undid it surprisingly quickly with my clumsy fingers. I then undid his button and zipper and his jeans fell to the floor. He kicked his way out of them and when I caught a glimpse of his boxers, I laughed.

EPOV

_Shit_. If I had known Bella was getting into my pants today I wouldn't have worn these boxers. Sponge Bob. Sponge. Fucking. Bob. It was incredibly embarrassing but I couldn't let Bella know that so I growled when she laughed and said,

"Don't you _ever_ make fun of Sponge Bob. He's the man, not to mention my personal hero."

And Bella just answered by starting to sing the friend song…

"F is for friends who do stuff together. U is for you and meeee…"

And before she could keep making in fun of me she did something I totally wasn't expecting.

Her hands had been playing with the waistband of my boxers while she was singing and all of a sudden she dropped her hands inside. And all of a sudden I had a hard on. Like _really_ hard.

"Bella," I groaned because she was just too fucking sexy, "the bath, remember?"

And I pried her hands out of my boxers before she could do anymore damage. I had to keep a clear head and she wasn't helping any.

And just to get some payback I decided I would drive Bella crazy too. So I moved my arms up from where I was supporting her at her hips, one up her back to the hook on her bra and the other up her belly from her navel, fingers trailing up in between her breasts, letting my fingers linger between her delicious cleavage and I swear her back was already arching a bit. So she _was_ excited which just made me form my crooked smile I knew she loved so much. And as I began to pull my fingers away from Bella's chest, she whimpered.

"Edward, don't you _dare_…"

And I didn't quite give her the chance to finish her breathless threat because I brought my fingers right back and slipped them under the wire of her bra so there was skin-on-skin contact. While one had taunted her breast avoiding the most sensitive spot, the other unhooked her bra skillfully, if I do say so myself.

And when I moved my hand to let her bra drop, I gasped. She was just too fucking beautiful and I had to tell her so.

"You're so fucking beautiful."

And all Bella did was hum with appreciation and crush her lips to mine. And she just went for it, darting her tongue out the moment our lips met and forcefully asking entrance to my mouth. Of course I let her in and as our tongues battled with each other I lightly grazed the backs of my fingers over her left nipple and she whimpered. So my automatic response was to do it again, harder, with my whole palm this time. And when Bella's back violently arched into my hand combined with her moan, I transitioned to full on groping.

And once I felt I had sufficiently worked one of her breasts, I switched over to the other still trying to suck Bella's face off at the same time.

Which just gave me another idea. So I slowly pulled my mouth away from hers and kissed, licked, and sucked my way down from her chin, to her throat, to her collarbone, to her breast which I gently began sucking and gave one good, long lick. I was supposed to wash her anyway and she tasted so fucking good. I wouldn't mind washing all of her…

BPOV

_Oh my god_. I wouldn't still be a virgin if I had known what I was missing! Edward, he just, blew my mind. And we weren't even having sex! Just the feeling of him, all of him, pressed against me was enough to make my eyes roll to the back of my head.

And I couldn't get enough. I was embarrassed beyond belief by the noises coming out my mouth but whenever Edward heard them he just got more excited so I couldn't really complain about their effects.

Finally, after fondling my breasts and kissing for what felt like forever, before anything else could happen, Edward lifted me up bridal style and carried me into the shower.

I admit I had had dreams like this before, a certain someone washing my body, but it had never been out of necessity or because I was paralyzed. It kinda ruined the moment. But one look at Edward's face told me he wasn't minding this one bit.

Once we were in the shower, Edward looked down at my panties, which were embarrassingly wet by now, and I had forgotten were still on me, and before asking me if he could remove them, he gave a crooked smile.

"Bella, you're totally hot for me right now," he said smirking.

And I just retorted back,

"Don't, for one minute, think that you had any effect whatsoever on my panties." **(A/N 10 Things I Hate About You anyone?!?)**

I knew it was an obvious lie but I had to retain a shred of pride, didn't I?

But when Edward put his hand on the edge of my panties at the top, all pride left me. The answer to that question was mostly definitely a no. All I could think about was his hand being so close to me, taunting me by trailing from the top of my panties to the very bottom which was completely drenched by now, and I couldn't form any coherent words. So when he asked if he could take them off, all I could do was give a whimper.

Obviously, with that humongous smirk, Edward was having pleasure from seeing my weakness and being able to manipulate me. And as much as I wanted to be peeved, it just made me melt more that he was enjoying doing this to me.

And to torture me, when Edward was pulling my panties skillfully off with one hand, he, very purposefully may I add, let his knuckles brush against my entrance and I let out a moan.

"Edward," and by now I was gasping again, " don't _do_ that to me."

"What?" he said innocently. "This?" and he created friction once again against my entrance by doing a pass with his knuckles. I whimpered and plotted my revenge.

I dived my hands into his own boxers and ran my fingers down his length, taunting him by alternating between applying pressure and barely skimming my fingers down.

"Bella," he moaned, his hands no longer trying to torture me but gripping my hips tightly.

"Yes?" I replied sweetly with a wicked smile.

"I… you… bath…"

Good. He wasn't being coherent. Sounded like adequate revenge to me.

And when Edward thoroughly worked his gaze up my body and finally met my eyes, they were dark. No longer the light, piercing green, but a dangerous and exciting dark shade.

We were both silent and breathing heavily, just getting lost in each other's eyes, each other's need. But we both knew it wasn't possible right now. And as much as my body wanted this, I knew it could be better, _would_ be better if we waited. Because the way Edward was making my heart go crazy, pumping blood frantically everywhere, I knew it wouldn't be long before my legs would finally get the oxygen they so desperately needed and let me walk again. But not now.

So, with a look that expressed my disappointment, I gazed back at Edward, feeling terribly sorry and unfulfilled that we both wouldn't get what we needed now.

But that didn't mean we still couldn't have a little fun. So I pulled at Edward's waistband and he got the memo so he kept one arm securely on me, holding me up, and used the other to drop his own boxers and wiggled his way out of them. He took both our underwear and threw them out of the shower.

Edward was just so beautiful naked. And despite how completely at ease and comfortable I felt in the moment, both of us naked, I blushed. I knew it was completely absurd but I couldn't help it.

And when Edward saw me blush, he stroked his free hand on my cheek and drew me into a deep embrace. Although part of him was still evidently excited, the hug was by no means uncomfortable. I realized in that moment that I fit perfectly in Edward's arms and never wanted to leave.

Edward drew me out of my trance when he said:

"Bath?"

Yeah, sure. Like either of us really wanted to shower…

"Mr. Cullen, if you would be so kind as to hand me the shampoo?"

"Ah, but Miss Swan, this is a _full_ service bath. We wouldn't want you spraining a finger in your tangled hair."

And I frowned. Was my hair really that bad? My clumsiness, on the other hand, that actually sounded possible.

So I basically spent the next half hour having Edward wash my hair and body beyond thoroughly, making sure he got every inch of my being, exciting the hell out of us both. And when it was finally over, Edward helped me get a towel around me and carried me to my room. As I was contemplating what I would wear, I realized Edward had no extra boxers.

"Umm, Edward? You don't really have any extra boxers, do you?"

Edward just gave me this look of indifference, shrugged, and flashed a crooked smile.

"That's okay, I'll go commando."

_So... how was it? I hope not too bad, especially since I made you all wait so long! So sorry about that!_

_Plus, I'd like to say that there will actually be more chapters than I originally had planned for this story and Jacob will also be making an apperance despite what I may have said earlier. So... he won't play a humungo role but he will be around a little ;)_

_Reviews are awesome... not nearly as great as Edward without his shirt or anything, but pretty good all the same!_


	20. Letting Go

_T__wilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer._

_So I'd like to apologize for sending out Chapter 19 twice but i thought it didn't work the first time and... whatever. Anyway, I wanted to make up for not having posted in a while and whipped up a new chapter. As always, enjoy! :)_

EPOV

Bella was, to say the least, the most intoxicating human being I'd ever met. After that shower I couldn't get my mind out of the gutter and I kept imagining things that weren't there, like Bella naked, for example. It was actually very frustrating because I would try and focus on school and stuff but once she walked into Biology, I was gone. I became lost in my day dreams so much it was very possible I would embarrass myself with a special appearance by little Edward. Biology, focus, cells…. Bella… Fuck. I just couldn't stay straight anymore. And Bella didn't help one bit. She usually wore comfortable pants because she sat in the wheelchair most of the day, but that didn't keep her from wearing skin-tight shirts most of which taunted me with the peek-a-boo cleavage show, especially from my angle in Biology. And when she would fucking bend to pick up her bag…

I had become a horny mother fucker and I couldn't help it. Bella was just too sexy for her own good.

BPOV

Although a full week had gone by, my mind was still on the day I took a shower… with Edward… naked. I mean, after that we still fooled around all the time but nothing compared to what had happened in the shower, and I was disappointed that something like that might not happen again for a while.

I tried to break my reminiscing and focus. I was in physical therapy and this was to _help_ me get better so that I could _do_ things with Edward. The doctors said that I should do physical therapy to keep my muscles from degenerating in the evident that I would somehow walk again someday.

Once I finally broke myself out of my Edward dream trance, I realized that the nurse was actually straightening and bending my leg, asking me constantly if I could feel something. It was always the same answer, _no_.

Then I realized someone was staring at me. He had dark skin, and all his features were a striking black. His eyes, his hair… and my god, was he tall. I had to admit he was pretty, nothing compared to my Edward, but pretty gorgeous all the same and he was _staring_ at me. So I couldn't help the blush from creeping up into my face. My face always had to betray me.

Then the guy started walking towards me. _Greatttt_. And that's when I noticed the grotesque thing you would normally call an arm attached to his shoulder. I tried not to stare, it was _rude_, but I couldn't help it.

So he cleared his throat, which made me shoot my eyes upward, way upward, and blushed even harder for having stared. He put his good arm forward and said:

"Hi, I'm Jacob. I couldn't help noticing you over here because I've never seen you before, and I've been coming here for a while."

The correct thing to do was take the hand he had boldly put between us and give _my_ name, but I was too mesmerized by his low voice to say anything. Finally, I snapped myself out of it when the nurse said I could take a break, smiling widely, and Jacob said, retracting his hand,

"Bella? That's a beautiful name."

And finally I mustered up the courage to respond.

"Thanks. Sorry, I'm just kind of out of it today…"

"No problem. So why are you here?"

I paused. I wasn't very comfortable telling strangers what I had done and I certainly didn't want to share my night of stupidity with the gorgeous creature standing in front of me.

"I'll share first then. About a month ago, I got attacked by a wolf on the rez, and this is what happened."

And with that, he motioned to his mutilated arm with his good one. I felt bad for being grossed out so I threw him an apologetic look. He just shrugged it off and said,

"It's getting better. Besides, I'm a righty so it doesn't really matter."

And he flashed his impossibly white teeth at me, making the room light up with his bright smile.

I decided I would tell him my story because he seemed genuinely nice. Besides, it would be nice to make some friends seeing as I spent so much time here.

"I'm sorry. My story is a lot more boring, no wild animals."

"Is that right? Well, I'm still interested. Go on…"

"Well, really, I just took too many pills…"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"But a girl like you doesn't seem the type to abuse drugs."

I gave a dark chuckle and said,

"Thanks, but it was a mistake. I just was being stupid…"

"Why?"

"I," and I wasn't sure I wanted to share my lie story with this guy. I didn't even know him! But something in my gut told me he could be trusted, he could be a really good friend.

"I thought my boyfriend did something bad."

And I knew my response was impossibly vague and cryptic but too bad, he'd just have to deal. And I swear I saw his smile falter a little. I wasn't sure why, but if he thought any less of me I'd get over it. I would come to terms with what I had done.

"Oh. Your _boyfriend_ must not be that great then, if you don't trust him, I mean."

"No, no, no. You have it all wrong. I just misunderstood the situation. He's never done anything that deserved the break in my trust."

"Well, if I ever had a girl like you, I'd never leave her side so she'd never have to worry about where I was or what I was doing."

And as much as I was angry at this _Jacob_ for trying to satanize my boyfriend, I was also flattered. He must know how to win over ladies because he probably would have succeeded if my heart wasn't already taken. And I realized then just how much I missed Edward. I hadn't seen him since he dropped me off at the hospital for physical therapy which he usually stayed with me for, but said he had things to do so wouldn't stay today. It had only been two hours, but I knew it was long enough. I _needed_ Edward.

And as if he knew what I was thinking, he appeared. Edward walked in through the double doors at that moment and if I could run, I would have jumped into his arms already. But I just waited patiently till he finally came to my side and said,

"Hi."

He then proceeded to smile his crooked smile which didn't quite reach his eyes and absolutely took my breath away. And because he was on a role, he added in a chaste peck on my cheek which made my skin burn and my blood boil all the same.

Then Jacob cleared his throat and I immediately blushed. I felt bad for having Jacob stand watching the interaction between Edward and me and I decided to introduce him.

"Edward, this is Jacob. Jacob, this is my boyfriend Edward."

And just like the gentleman I knew he had become, Edward immediately stuck out his hand, eager to meet Jacob.

"Hi, nice to meet you."

And Jacob, his face falling a bit, said:

"Yeah, you too."

"Ready to go Bella?"

"Yeah, let's go. Bye Jacob, see you around?"

"Sure, sure."

And Edward gave a kind nod to Jacob and wheeled me out of the room, out of the hospital.

EPOV

Like any other day, I dropped Bella off at physical therapy but I told her I couldn't stay because I had stuff to do. I told her I'd pick her up in two hours and left. I didn't really have anything to do, I just couldn't stand to be around at physical therapy with her. I mean, I really wanted to support her and all, but it killed me a little inside every time she made almost no progress and her mood was brought down, all because of me. And fuck, I had tried to forget that feeling of guilt because Bella could sense when I felt like that and would immediately tell me off for it. I kept them far away for her. But how could I ever rid myself of them when they were staring me in the face almost all the fucking time? The noise of her wheelchair's wheels turning on the tile floors of school or the hospital, squeaking every once in a while, it fucking tore me apart. It was good she couldn't see my face every time I pushed her wheelchair or else she might get really angry.

So I took this little time away from Bella to go to the spot. I knew it was just a reminder of the filthy bastard I used to be before I met Bella, but it was also my sanctuary. I needed quiet and peaceful, I needed to think. And the spot seemed like the perfect place.

After I parked the car and walked to the rather small clearing, I decided to screw the logs and just like on the fucking ground. So as I stared up at the overcast sky of Forks, I thought.

I loved Bella. I told her so every fucking day. And she would respond the same thing back, something I didn't feel I deserved, but she returned whole-heartedly all the same. She loved me despite my fucked up life and what's more, she loved me despite what I had done to her. And as much as I loved every single moment I spent with her, it was also a living hell. Because I know I had taken more than I deserved. I had taken her heart, her ability to walk, and essentially, her independence. I had fucked her over for life with my stupidity with Rosalie and her legs were never going to let me forget that.

I was so torn inside. I wanted Bella, but I also wanted what was best for her. And that definitely wasn't me. So sooner or later, I'd have to swallow down all my feelings, and break it off. Bella's salvation was my top priority and it just didn't seem possible with me in the picture.

I looked at my watch and realized I was going to be late if I didn't get a move on it right away to pick Bella up. So I rushed to my car, to the hospital, and into the physical therapy room.

I opened the doors to find some rather tall guy standing in front of Bella, talking to her. She seemed pretty distracted but when she saw me, her whole face fucking lit up. Fuck, why did she love me so much? It made everything that much harder…

So I walked over and gave her the best crooked smile I could muster which I reserved only for her, and gave her a peck on the cheek. As much as I wanted to feel and taste those luscious lips of hers, I remembered what I had to do and kissing her like that wouldn't help.

BPOV

Ever since that first day Edward hadn't stayed with me at physical therapy, he hadn't been the same. He always seemed more tired and stressed as if something was constantly straining him. It hurt me to see him like this, but whenever I asked what was wrong, he vehemently rejected the idea of something being out of place.

And the situation only got worse. Everyday it seemed like he distanced himself more and more. Needless to say, we hadn't had any repeats of that amazing shower.

And the distancing, it hadn't been going on for just a week, just a month, but a couple of months. I wasn't sure what was happening between Edward and me, but it was starting to get a little frustrating and annoying. So I decided I would confront him about it.

So, on one fateful afternoon, once we pulled up to my driveway in his silver Volvo, I said to him:

"Edward, I think we need to talk."

"Okay. Here or inside?"

"Inside," because I wouldn't want to make Edward bring me inside if this conversation ended badly, that would just be awkward.

Once he had wheeled me into the living room, I turned my wheelchair to face him. I had this bad feeling in my gut this wasn't going to go over well.

"Edward, I don't know what to say. You know I love you, right?"

"Of course, Bella. I could never doubt that."

"And yet, I think you do, Edward. You've been… _distant_ ever since…"

And I couldn't finish the sentence because the tears had already begun to stream down my face. It was now or never. I would let it all go and not hold back. Because I knew I was barely holding onto Edward now and I had to do everything in my power to keep him from slipping through my fingers.

EPOV

She was crying. Fucking crying. And I knew this was going to happen but nothing could have prepared me for this. I knew what I had to say but it would hurt so fucking much. For both of us. But it would get better? Wouldn't it?

"Bella, I can't stay. I can't take care of you forever. I can't hold you back and I'm not letting you move forward…"

And I had been avoiding Bella's gaze this whole time so she said,

"Edward, look at me. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me anymore. _Then_ you can leave."

This would be the single worst, vilest, thing I had ever done, was doing, or would ever do. It would be the biggest fucking lie of my life and possibly the end of it too. Because living without Bella was like living without air.

I love you Bella. I have loved you and will always love you no matter what shit comes out of my mouth right now. I'm a fucking bastard and deserve to go to hell for all the misery I've caused you and I promise not to fuck up your life anymore. I took a deep sigh and said, with the most even and definite voice I could must up, looking directly into Bella's probing eyes, letting my emotions detach themselves from my body to allow my emotionless façade,

"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened that night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… _tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. You're not good for me."

And I let my false charade slip a little when I said,

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid, do you understand what I'm saying? I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him."

And I knew my eyes were betraying me because they were pouring all my true emotions onto Bella, but I couldn't help it. I meant what I had just said with every fiber in my damned body.

After that, I left. I left Bella crying helplessly in her stupid chair, her loud sobs echoing in my head long after I had driven off. And I went to the spot. It was the only place I could stand to be right now.

Alone. Fucking alone. Just how it would stay for the rest of my life, because no one could ever replace Bella.

_Anyone catch the quotes from New Moon? Who am I kidding? Of _course_ you did! :) Ahhhh. I cannot believe this is happening but as my English teacher says, "It'll all be fine." I sure hope so! _

_Reviews are amazing. Definitely more amazing than Edward leaving :*(_


	21. Set in Stone

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer._

_Recap of last chapter:_

_Edward feels he is sufficiently fucking up Bella's life so he decides the best thing to do is break up with her. I know, what an idiot!_

_Hokay guys, sorry it took me like a week to post this but I wasn't near a computer all week. So I am uber sorry and please forgive me. But of course you won't because this chapter isn't exactly happily ever after... *Sigh* Why must love be so difficult?_

_Oookay, enough of my ranting! Enjoy!_

BPOV

Death had never seemed more enticing. My life was in absolute ruins and my heart was nonexistent. There was only a large, gaping hole where it used to be. Edward had taken my soul and I wasn't going to get it back. I knew that hadn't been his intention, he wanted to leave me in one piece, but when your whole world turns on you, it doesn't really leave you complete.

Weeks. It had been weeks of the same wallowing. I had grown pale and everything about me was unkempt. I didn't eat, I didn't talk, I didn't sleep, and I certainly didn't feel. It was just easier to get through the day in a state of complete numbness. I still did my homework to keep Charlie happy, but that was about it.

I didn't do anything anymore. I didn't see Edward anymore. He had switched out of Biology class and avoided me at all costs. He probably thought that would help with the whole forgetting him part, but it just made me more depressed that I couldn't even get glimpses of him in school.

Alice and Rosalie tried to help me out, keeping me busy on weekends with sleepovers and makeovers which didn't help much. It was either the agony over Edward or the agony of having makeup applied to my face and suffocating to the toxic fumes of nail polish.

The only brief times I smiled were with Jacob. During my breaks at physical therapy, he would keep me company and try and draw me out my sad stupor.

To sum things up accurately was to say my life was unbearable. Edward had broken my heart but I, in no way, held it against him. If he were to show up randomly one day, I wouldn't hesitate one bit to take him back or beg him to stay. The love I felt for him wasn't going to fade. _Ever_.

The times that were the worst, though, were probably when I thought of exactly what Edward had said to me,

_Bella, I can't stay. I can't take care of you forever. I can't hold you back and I'm not letting you move forward…Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened that night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… __tired__ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. You're not good for me._

And it just kept echoing in my head. Had he felt nothing over the past year? Had he been lying the whole time? Pretending? This was what caused me to cry the worst. My naivety for believing that he had truly and wholly loved me.

So the days passed dreadfully slowly. Every moment amplifying the ache where my heart used to be.

EPOV

Avoiding Bella was next to impossible. I had switched out of Biology because I knew that wouldn't work out, I would fold to the temptation. But the uncontrollable urge just to get a glimpse of her, to make sure she was okay, I couldn't fight. So of course she never knew, but I would take frequent "bathroom breaks" during school and stroll by her various classrooms to see her.

Needless to say, she looked fucking awful. I probably wasn't much better because I hadn't shaved in days and I hadn't ever attempted to tame my unruly hair, but she was an ungodly shade of pale, with dark circles under her eyes, and her face looked sallower. She was in desperate need of sleep and food which I assumed, like me, she hadn't gotten since I broke us off.

Why was life so fucking hard? I had broken up with her to make her better, healthier, and all it looked like I had done was bring her down even more. Her current appearance reminded me of when she was in the hospital, fighting for her life, once again because of me.

I had only wanted to love Bella unconditionally. Was that too much to ask? Apparently, it was, because all I ever did was end up causing her pain. Blow upon blow of inexcusable behavior, so I ended it. I ended it to give her the chance to find someone better, more worthy. But by the looks of it, I had just hurt her once more, far worse than any time before. I didn't know what was wrong and what was right anymore. My heart was telling me to reconcile things and beg for Bella's forgiveness to take me back, but my brain was trying to be all rational and shit and telling me to stay the fuck away. I needed help. Now.

So I just fucking left. I didn't bother going back to class to get my bag because I had my keys on me. I walked out to my car, slipped into the plush leather seats which I had always found comforting, but since Bella had lost their affect, and drove off. I knew who I would visit. I would visit _him_.

BPOV

I needed to see him. Edward. The mentioning of his name made my movements that much more urgent, like a summons to get out of class. I told Mr. Banner I was going to the bathroom, that was a lie. I was going to go by room C376, Edward's English class. I was going to flail my arms wildly if that's what it took for him to look at me and acknowledge me again.

Once I got close to the room, I took a deep breath, swallowing all fear and embarrassment that would surely result from my desperate display of insanity. And as I rolled up to the glass window that took up most of the wooden door, I noticed Edward's seat was empty. His bag was there, but he wasn't. And I could barely hold the tears back till I wheeled round the corner into the girls' bathroom.

The disappointment crashed down upon me, crushing me completely, keeping the air I so desperately needed from reaching my lungs. I was more than devastated, I was broken.

And I just let myself crumble right there. I couldn't care less who walked through the door to see me in my moment of greatest weakness. I kept crying hard for twenty minutes, thankful for no interruptions, balled up a little paper towel and dabbed my eyes to hide the evidence of my misery, and returned to class. Mr. Banner gave me a questioning look which he quickly retracted quickly because the anguish must have been evident on my face. Did I really look that bad?

EPOV

I hadn't been there for years. Six years to be exact. I hadn't once stepped on this fertile soil and green, lively grass, lightly swaying in the breeze, since that horrific day. It was almost worse than the day he died because I had to see his body be locked up forever and put six feet under, confining him to a prison of dirt. I needed closure and burying him so soon hadn't allowed me that.

That's why I never came. It wasn't because of all the anger I harbored towards my dad, because I still loved him, despite all that. It was the unbearable pain, the loss of someone you loved, the finality of death, the sudden ending, I wasn't prepared for. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to be a kid. Picking Esme up off the floor, too weak to stand and shaking uncontrollably from crying, it ruined me. The pain was too much that I just cut myself off completely from who I used to be and left this emotionless Edward in his wake.

So I decided to sit right in front of his fucking tombstone. I situated myself, cross-legged, with my eyes staring right at the stone's grave letters. (**A/N No pun intended**!)

_Carlisle Cullen_.

I would resolve this now. Right now. He had taken up way too much of my life and heart. He still had a strong hold on me even from six feet under and I couldn't allow that anymore. I needed to move past this so I could get better. So I could one day shape up to be a man who could actually deserve someone as good as Bella.

I knew I had fucked over any chance of Bella and me ever again, but it didn't mean I couldn't strive for something better. I'd never go after another girl, but for Esme, it was the least I could do, become someone for her.

And because there was no one around, I decided I would just fucking talk out loud, so Carlisle could hear me from wherever the hell he was, no pun intended.

"Carlisle," I said with a stern voice, but then I stopped. I thought I was going to rant on and on how he had fucked me over and hurt Esme but I broke down. I started crying. And I didn't even bother to wipe the tears from my face, I just let gravity do its thing and let them fall onto my jeans, to the earth beneath me.

Instead of yelling at him, I decided I would just talk to him. Have a normal conversation, father with son, about my life. About all the shit he had missed while being dead.

"I'm not sure Carlisle… _dad_, if you've been watching all these years but if not, I can accurately describe my life in a couple sentences. That is, until I met Bella. Then it got infinitely more complicated. But before her, I was basically an asshole. I missed you so much, I _still_ miss you…"

And I could barely catch my breath I was crying so hard, but I willed myself to keep going. I needed to get all this off my chest, I needed to talk to my dad.

"So I shut myself up. I figured it was easier to be an ass that actually feel. To use people rather than care. I smoked all the time to keep myself strung out, away from all my troubles and the past that always haunted me. But Bella, she changed all that. She broke through the fucker I was to the Edward she knew I could be. She had faith in me, she saw something, and she fucking _loved_ me. I wanted to love her, giver her everything. Hell, I _did_ love her. But I ended up screwing her over for life. I took what I didn't deserve and now I can't fix it, I can't take it back. But she made me realize something, Carlisle. Because although I don't know what's going to happen between us, she showed me how to love. She showed me acceptance. But most of all, she showed me I still love you, dad. Sure I'm angry and pissed at some things, the biggest of which you left mom and me too fucking soon, but I still love you. And I needed to tell you that. I needed to say it out loud, to tell _myself_. And now I just don't know what the fuck to do. I love her, dad. I truly and sincerely do. I know I need her, can't live without her, and she's the only fucking person ever for me, but I'm not sure how she feels. She could do so much better… she _deserves_ better. Please, dad, just tell me what I should do. If you can hear me, help me. Because if it were Esme, you would do anything to get her back, right? Treat her like fucking royalty and kiss her feet till the day she died? I'm asking you to help me dad, please."

And I cupped my face in my hands, I was so hopeless and stupid. What the fuck was I even thinking anyway? Like Carlisle could hear me. And I vaguely felt the wind blow through my clothes, sending a shiver through me from the light nipping of the cold. I then felt something lightly graze my hand, leaving behind an itch it its wake. When I opened my eyes to see what it was, I gasped.

_  
Hmmmmm.... I wonder what that could be? I will try and post as soon as possible. Reviews are great... just like when Edward isn't being stupid and is with Bella...._

_and woah, 250 reviews.... i am ecstatic. no wait.......... I AM ECSTATIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I think that conveyed it better)_


	22. Melting Away

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer._

_So guys... what was it that touched Edward last chapter? You get to find out now! Yay! OKay.... go ahead and read :)_

BPOV

Monster Mash sundae. That's what I was eating Friday, at 4:16 p.m., in my kitchen. It was the first time in a long time I could actually say I was feeling complete, like every part of me was where it should be, _especially_ my heart.

It wasn't because Edward had come back, although, I really wished for that to happen, it was because I was eating a sundae. Not just any sundae, but Renee's favorite which also happened to be my favorite ice cream sundae too. I knew it was silly, but for five minutes, while slowly savoring the taste of the mint ice cream and hot fudge fusing to create an explosion of flavor, I could forget the rest of the world and just enjoy me and my sundae.

I wasn't sure how the sundae had gotten into the freezer though. Charlie refused to tell me who had dropped it off. Probably just Alice and Rosalie. It was times like this that reminded me just how amazing my _real_ friends were, no one fake like Jessica "Implants" Stanley.

EPOV

A maple leaf. I uncovered my hands from my face to find a maple leaf that had neatly landed in my lap. And I just started crying once more, for the millionth time that day.

Carlisle's favorite food had been waffles. It was our thing, our _tradition_, to make them every Sunday morning and sometimes surprise Esme in bed with breakfast. My dad had said once never to bother making waffles if there wasn't any maple syrup involved. Esme would always give a disapproving face when she saw how much syrup Carlisle would pour on his waffles, because he drowned them in sweet, syrupy goodness. Nevertheless, he would keep doing it and Esme would eventually break out into laughter because the massive amount of syrup Carlisle used was borderline ridiculous.

That's what this maple leaf reminded me of, Carlisle at his best, being the world's number one dad, even if just for a couple hours. When we made waffles, I would forget his substance abuse problems, we would laugh so much at pointless things and really just enjoy the moment.

You could argue it was just the wind, just a coincidence, but I knew better. It was Carlisle. This was his way of granting me closure, telling me to move on and be happy. Because I was happiest when we made waffles, and when I was with Bella. I knew what Carlisle thought I should do. And for once in my life, I actually agreed with him. He had always been a sensible person, sans the coke, and I had been hot-headed and stubborn. We banged heads regularly, but in this moment, it felt like we were in complete unison.

With Carlisle's blessing, there was only one thing left to do, I needed to talk to Esme.

BPOV

The sundae finished too soon. The only things left were trace amounts of melted ice cream on the sides of the paper cup. Now, back to reality. And the pain cascaded down upon me. How could one person do so much damage? I had always wondered what it felt like to get hit by an anvil, like on those cartoons, and that pain, I imagined, would be a lot like what I was experiencing now. The pain of rejection, of denied love.

Why did Edward have to be so stupid? Why couldn't he just accept the fact that he was _exactly_ the person I needed? He always used to say he didn't deserve me, but what he didn't realize, was that it was the other way around. Because despite his little flukes in the past, Edward was basically the perfect guy. When he held me, touched me, or kissed me, it wasn't because of his hormones, it was because he _loved_ me. Or had loved me…

What he said when he left, it wasn't true, right?

EPOV

I drove home actually going the speed limit. I was in no hurry to have a heart-to-heart with Esme. Although I knew it was necessary, I knew I'd be hurting her some too. Because I decided I was going to own up to my drug abuse and everything Bella had done for me, including making me clean.

So when I got home, I was expecting a couple of hours to get my bearings, but Esme was already home. Greattt….

I slowly made my way up the steps and opened the front door. And I realized it was still school hours so Esme would surely be a little suspicious.

"Edward? Home so soon?"

"Hey, mom. Yeah, I left early…"

"Where's your bag?"

I decided I wouldn't lie. Okay, complete truth, here goes…

"I left it in class. I, I visited Carlisle."

And I looked up to gauge Esme's reaction because Carlisle was somewhat taboo in our house. Neither of us really liked talking about him but that would be necessary now. But Esme didn't seem shocked, she looked almost smug, as if she were expecting this? Or better yet, happy? This, in turn, shocked me because she knew I had never visited Carlisle since the funeral. This was _big_ news. I expected more of a reaction.

"You're not surprised? Angry?"

"Edward, how could I be angry? You finally visit your father after all these years. I honestly couldn't be happier."

"But, but he left us… he _hurt_ you…"

"Nobody's perfect, Edward. He made some bad choices but that didn't make me stop loving him. He's still your _father_, Edward."

"So you wouldn't be mad if I made some… bad choices too?"

"What do you mean?"

Deep breath. Shit, I knew this was going to break her. _Fuck_, I didn't want to do it…

"So I kinda… did-pot-for-a-while," I said in one whooshing breath.

Esme didn't look angry or disappointed, she just looked sad. Worst fucking reaction ever. I wish she would just yell at me or something, but no, she had to start crying. Way to go, fuckface.

I'm a real fucker. I hurt everyone, and anyone, I have ever cared about. But I had to show Esme that wasn't me anymore, show her I didn't do that shit anymore.

"Mom, before you say anything, I've changed. I don't smoke anymore, I swear. Ever since I met Bella, I kinda stopped. She helped me get over that stuff…"

Awkward silence. I stood uncomfortably shifting my weight between my legs, rocking back and forth, not daring to stare anywhere but at my own feet while Esme remained silent on the couch. I desperately wanted to look up and hope to see the pain gone from her face but I was a coward, I would wait until she made me look up.

Finally, what felt like five minutes later, Esme said:

"It pains me, Edward, to know you ever relied on the same stuff that took your father away from me," and I wanted so badly just to interject here and say that pot was totally different from coke, but I knew Esme was trying to make a point,

"But I'm glad to hear you're no longer abusing and even happier to hear why. Bella's a good girl, she deserves the best."

"I know… that's why we broke up…she deserves better" and I couldn't help my voice from getting a little choked at the end because I was getting emotional.

"No," Esme replied kinda peeved, "_You_ are just the person to give it to her."

I was, to say the least, at a loss for words. Hadn't I just confessed to Esme I was using illegal substances, or had been, and she thought I could be what Bella deserved? Wow, my family was really fucked up. But I loved it. Because although part of me still didn't want my shitty ass near Bella, another part of me wanted to jump up and down with delight that Esme had this much faith in me. And I knew I just couldn't fuck things up this time.

I wouldn't.

"Edward, I know something's wrong. You've looked shitty for months now, and I know you love her. Now go show _her_ that."

I was feeling a million different emotions in that moment. But one particularly stood out from the rest, _hopeful_. I was once again hopeful about my life, my future, which I hoped would include Bella. Because that was the only future I had ever considered worth living.

So I ran up to Esme and enveloped her in a big, bear hug that could only be matched by one of Emmett's and rushed out of the house, leaving Esme flustered but smiling.

Ice cream. I decided it would be the best first step. But just ice cream wouldn't do it. I had more than royally fucked up and I remembered the words clearly in my head, _monster mash_. It was Renee's favorite, but most importantly, Bella's favorite sundae. Monster Mash sundae from Friendly's, if only it could deliver its promised "happy ending."

I hadn't really formulated a plan for after having bought the sundae so I decided to run it over to Bella's house. It was still school hours, so she wouldn't be there, but at least I could drop it off. I knew where she kept the spare key and I could just slip it into the freezer without any detection.

The cruiser.

Charlie's cruiser was in the fucking driveway. There was no way I was going to get past that shit. But I wasn't about to let this sundae go to waste, so I dragged myself out of the car and somehow managed to force myself to ring the doorbell.

Insert big gulp here. I was fucking nervous. And by the time the door creaked open, I had already broken a slight sweat.

When Charlie saw who it was, his face immediately turned completely cold and hard, void of any kindness, he said:

"What do you want, Edward?"

And he just fucking spit my name out, as if it were a vulgar term, unwanted.

To keep my words as concise as possible, I shoved the sundae into Charlie's hands and quickly said,

"For Bella?"

And it came out as a fucking question because I couldn't muster up the balls to be assertive and prove to everyone, especially Charlie, how much I fucking loved his daughter.

"Fine," was his only response as he swiftly retracted his hands from the doorway and shut the door.

So fucking rude, but I guess I deserved that.

_Sor__ry guys for the short chapter but things are really tight for me right now and I really want to get stuff out. but no one can complain because things are at least kinda on the mend for Edward and Bella. At least he's realized how stupid he was and is trying to make it up to Bella... right?_

_Reviews are awesome. Possibly as awesome as Monster Mash sundaes... but that's debatable! :)_


	23. Playing in Vain

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer._

_Shout out to LoriVampp b/c your review was out-of-this-world amazing and blew my mind. probably b/c you said you cried more than in New Moon which is crazy and i love it! :)  
_

_So, because ice cream just won't do it... without further ado... another short chapter. sorry guys, but where i ended it seemed like the perfect place and i'll try and make the next one longer. okay? i promise!_

BPOV

"May I have your attention, please. This will only take a couple of minutes, so bear with me…"

My heart rate spiked. It wasn't because I was about to, or had been about to, take a calc test I surely would fail, but I heard Edward's voice, his enchanting, velvety voice, over the loudspeaker. If you could count that as an interaction, it was the first contact I had had with Edward since we broke up.

And it was exhilarating.

I wasn't sure what to expect, or what was going to happen, but it was just so good to hear his voice, so _comforting_ to know he hadn't been a part of my imagination after all, that my perfect Edward Cullen _did_ exist.

Then no longer was it the deep, velvety voice, but an incredibly sweet and sincere melody that made me want to cry with sheer happiness. Was Edward playing on the piano? I didn't know he could do that…

A couple minutes passed, and the last of the apparent composition drifted off into silence. It had ended mysteriously, unsure, as if the composer didn't know where to go, what to do next. And it had a hint of latent sadness, daring to infect the happy mood.

Then the voice came on again,

"That was entitled Bella's lullaby, dedicated to Isabella Marie Swan, the love of my life."

And that's when the whole class went wild, whistling and calling out my name which made my cheeks turn a deep, crimson red. Once the initial wave of embarrassment and excitement wore off, I finally was able to absorb the implications of what Edward had just said. Could it be?

No.

What was he trying to _do_ to me? He said he hadn't loved me, and now he just expected me to believe that he, in fact, _did_ love me?

We hadn't even talked or _seen_ each other for months. Who the hell was I kidding? It was stupid and I wouldn't make the same mistake again.

Damn it. Edward _still_ had an affect on me even though we never saw each other. I couldn't let him mess with me, toy with my emotions, because I wouldn't make it if there was a round two.

EPOV

_So_ fucking nervous. _That's_ how I was feeling. I was about to play my own composition, on the piano, on the loudspeaker, for the whole school to hear, _and_ declare my love for Bella afterwards. I knew there were only two ways this could go. Worst case scenario, she hates me. Forever. Okay, so that would be really, really bad. On the other hand, taking such a big risk could result in really good outcome. I know we haven't talked or even seen each other in months, but it only feels like my love has grown for Bella. Every day the ache to see her, feel her, grows, and I realize just how much I love her and how big of a douche I was to leave her like that.

Because I was finally realizing that we needed each other. We were completely dependent and I couldn't give a fuck.

And I had begun smoking a bunch again. No more of that Mary-Jane shit, but an unhealthy amount of cigarettes. They seemed to relieve a little of the stress that was pouring down on me.

Fuck. I need Bella. And that's why I'm here. I don't want to die young from lung cancer. I want that house with the white-picket fence with a family and Bella Swan right by my side. I want a future, and I want it with Bella.

Fuck, Edward. Focus. I only have five minutes before I get busted by the principal for using his microphone and hauling in a baby-grand piano into his dinky office.

Deep breath…

"May I have your attention, please. This will only take a couple minutes, so bear with me…"

And I just let my body relax, my fingers mold to the small, ivory keys, and let the music flow out of me. Only Jasper knew I really played and I had hoped to share this composition with Bella sometime when we were together, but things hadn't really worked out that way, even if it was all my fault.

Once I finished the sweet melody, which I had let drift off into final craziness, just as unsure as I was about how Bella would take this, I professed my love for her to the whole school and got off the loud speaker.

What the fuck did I just do?

Part of me needed to see Bella, see her reaction to all of this. And part of me just needed to curl up into a ball and rock myself in a corner and escape this sick reality.

I put myself out there, all of me, for _all_ the school to see. And what if Bella didn't believe it? Or worse, what if she didn't love me anymore?

No. I had to stop being so negative. If Bella hated me, I would follow her to the ends of the earth, till the day I died, trying to convince her of my unrequited and unwavering love for her.

I knew the last words I had said, and probably the only ones she remembered, were those of me saying I didn't really love her anymore.

_Fuck_. Why did I have to fuck myself over all the time? I knew this had taken a lot of courage on my part, but I had a feeling it would take more than a sundae and lullaby to convince Bella I still loved her.

BPOV

Everyone assaulted me, even if it was only with their stares. And it wasn't because I was in a wheelchair. They all had the same questioning look, probably asking why Edward would fall for such a plain and weak girl like myself. And why the hell he would go through the trouble of saying it over the loudspeaker, with a song.

Fuck him. I knew what he was trying to do, but it wouldn't work. I needed to stay strong, resolved. Maybe he _had_ been right about the hurting me part and I wasn't a stupid girl, I wasn't about to make the same mistakes again. I needed to keep my distance from Edward because he was unhealthy for me.

I couldn't let myself become so attached because I realized that day I hadn't found him in his English class, I was so dependent and hopeless, that it would be the death of me.

Of course I would keep loving Edward, that wasn't an option. I just had to keep a safe distance lest I let him back in and he abruptly left again, effectively destroying me for good.

I could tell this would be a difficult fight, not with Edward, but with myself. I was so vulnerable, so ready to jump back into his arms, and I needed to control that. I needed to effectively cut down and suffocate all the feelings I had for him, drown them out. I needed to move on.

So as I walked into the lunchroom, with Alice and Rosalie quickly approaching and nearly tackling me in their excitement, I was thing about one thing: how I would move on.

_Jacob_.

And I let a smile escape my lips.

_Okay, now i'm sure you guys REALLY hate me! Ha ha. I'm terrible, I know. Evil, pureeee evil._

_Just when Edward is straightened out, Bella has to start getting all stupid...  
_

_So feel free to leave a review and hate on me for being so mean. and i'll try and be nicer by the end of the next chapter... if i feel like it ;)_


	24. Redemption

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer._

_Okay guys, I am SO SORRY I haven't updated in a while. I just have a lot on my mind and someone took my writing journal and shit happens. Ugh. Anyway... recap of last time:_

_Bella is totally going after Jacob to replace Edward. How nice. NOT._

BPOV

I was laughing.

And it felt so damn good. We were sharing embarrassing stories around the bonfire at La Push Beach and Jacob was holding my hand. My hands were still sticky though, from the s'mores. Even though ice cream was my favorite, marshmallows were still pretty good. After we had maxed out all our stories, someone pulled out their boom box and put in a cd.

Oh no. _Dancing_.

Jacob tried to pull me up to my feet, no avail may I add, because there was no way I was going to shuffle my feet around and trip and epically embarrass myself. No way.

"Oh come on, Bella, I promise I won't let you fall."

Boy, was Jacob tricky. There was a double meaning in his words. He wouldn't let me fall flat on my face, and he wouldn't rip my heart out and let the crows pick at it. Like Edward…

This was more than dancing. He would literally be keeping me standing, supporting me, not to mention my body would be completely pressed up against his. Hmm…. that didn't sound too bad. And if I wanted to move on, I'd have to take a couple risks, it was the only way I could find out if there would be any rewards.

So I stuck out one arm for Jacob to pull me up, with a stubborn look on my face to be playful, and I was pulled up.

Jacob held me by my hips, with my arms around his neck, and he whispered into my ear:

"Now never let go."

And I couldn't help the slight gasp that escaped my parted lips because the complete truth in his words still rang clearly in my ears.

But I couldn't get over the fact that Jacob's arms were too long for him to comfortably hold me and I had to strain a little to attach my hands behind his neck. I wanted us so badly to fit, but that wasn't a realistic wish.

The song "Just Dance" came on and everyone had gotten really into the dancing, all of Jacob's friends completely absorbed with their significant others, and everyone was becoming a little more… physical.

Just the thought made me furiously blush. After all, Edward had been my first boyfriend and I definitely didn't feel as comfortable with Jacob yet to be shoving all my goods into him, not that it was really possible considering my condition. But would I ever feel that same comfort, safe feeling again that Edward had so effortlessly provided?

I couldn't expect everything with Jacob so maybe I just had to take some leaps of faith with him and hope I made the right choice.

And fuck, I needed to get over Edward. Fast. So I put on a determined face, tightened my grip behind Jacob's neck, and pulled him close.

And I didn't ever give him a lot of time to comprehend what was happening before my lips crashed into his, attacking him with a vengeance, because this was payback at Edward. And I felt bad for using Jacob, but he'd be able to take it.

And I'm sure Jacob's friends thought I was just a little slut on wheels because I was thoroughly sucking his face off. But I couldn't care less at the moment.

As the kiss became more heated, Jacob's excitement became clearly evident to me and he whispered huskily in my ear:

"I'm thinking, Billy's not home and you don't have to leave for another hour. So –"

And I just cut him off right there. Jacob needed no further encouragement because he simply picked me up and cradled me and walked towards his house. Despite all the questions and nervousness running through my head, I was a little excited. I was going to lose my virginity, and Jacob was the prime candidate.

Once we finally got inside his bedroom, Jacob gently laid me down on the bed and I pulled myself up to the head. Jacob just crawled up in pursuit and attacked my lips. And somehow, because his hands were just so fast, he had already found his way to the hem of my shirt, pulling it off. I broke contact with his lips so he could pry it off. Once my shirt was out of the equation, I thought it only fair to start working on his. As I unbuttoned the buttons, I kissed his chest, sweet, short kisses with fervor and I heard him hum in satisfaction.

Jacob then shrugged off his shirt and while kissing me intensely moved his hands up my body to the wire of my bra, his fingers playing with the edge, not daring yet to cross. Then, without warning, one hand slipped underneath and began massaging my breasts.

And I couldn't help thinking that Jacob's touch had no effect compared to Edward's. When Edward had touched me, my body ached for more, it had a mind of its own. With Jacob, everything felt forced and rough and made the pit of my stomach uneasy.

I was then surprised to find out that while I had been mildly spacing out, Jacob had successfully removed my bra and was doing a real number on my breasts.

And I felt _nothing_.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. What was I doing? Jacob was sweet, he didn't deserve this, and I sure as hell wasn't getting anything out of it. And I felt bad that it would have to end this way for Jacob and me, because he really was a nice guy, but once I left, I would never come back. But I couldn't do this now, there was only one person whose touch my body would react to and he had been blacklisted, he no longer existed.

Fuck. I needed to breathe. I needed to think. I needed to clear my head and stop being such a pussy and avoiding Edward.

So between breathless pants I managed to get out:

"Stop."

"What?" confusing written all over Jacob's face.

"I, I can't do this."

"What?"

"Just get off me Jacob."

Jacob was definitely confused but thankfully, he complied.

"Could you please hand me my shirt and bra?"

"Sure, Bella. But, what's wrong? Did I do something?"

"I'm sorry Jacob, but I'm not ready for this. I need to go now."

"Well, at least let me help you – "

"No, it's alright. I can do it."

And somehow I managed to drag myself off the bed and into my wheelchair.

And without looking back, I hauled my ass out of Jacob Black's house and Jacob Black's life, because I didn't belong there.

Once I got to the car, I was torn. I needed to think and if I went home, Charlie would bombard me with questions. I needed somewhere quiet, peaceful.

The spot.

Before now, I had never understood when Edward talked about the spot with reverence but right now, I felt as if it were exactly what I needed.

And once I got to the school's parking lot, I tried to think of how I was going to get to the spot trying to wheel myself across the uneven trail. It wouldn't be easy, but I was in a determined mood, so I couldn't really care.

After a half fucking hour, completely out of breath, arms burning, and a light film of sweat forming on my forehead, I finally got there. I realized, sitting on my wheelchair, this wouldn't be enough. No, I wanted to be lying on the ground. I wanted to feel the earth, I wanted to, for one second, forget all the shit I was in. So I basically flung myself out of my chair, which I'm sure I would regret doing later, and did a face plant onto the ground. I rolled myself over and closed my eyes because there was nothing to look up at in the overcast, cloudy sky of Forks.

I spread all my extremities, as wide as I could, using my arms to move my legs, so that I vaguely resembled a snow angel and began reflecting on the past year.

Fucking roller coaster. I had started he year eager for an end, getting out of this town and forgetting about the stupid reputation I was trying to uphold. Then I was informed I had to tutor. Which just made me into a crabby bitch because I really didn't feel like helping anybody.

But they gave me Edward. Beautiful, perfect Edward. Yeah, he skipped school, yeah, he smoked pot, and yeah, I totally fell for him. All the stupid shit he did didn't even matter to me. He had saved me, twice. I was thankful, I was in love, and I was upset. I was upset because he had finally admitted what I'd known all along, I wasn't good enough for him. I hadn't really deserved his love but I took it anyway, and by some miracle, he felt the same. And when you're in love, not even Fuckward can phase you. Sure, he wasn't the most law-abiding citizen or the warmest stranger, but he was Edward. Nothing more, nothing less. For better or for worse.

And everything I did, I thought about, or said to myself led me back to the same conclusion: I loved Edward Cullen. So what was I doing moping around? He had told the whole school he loved me, why couldn't I believe it?

"Bella?"

Ah, yes, Edward's sweet voice. It's all I ever dreamed about. I hadn't realized I was so tried and was dozing off in the middle of the field. But when I opened my eyes to get up and leave, I gasped.

EPOV

So I needed a smoke. And I needed the comfort of my spot. So I decided to go smoke at my spot.

I got to the school parking lot and Bella's car was there. Okay? Maybe she came by to pick up something from school? Maybe I'd see her… But, then again, she hated my guts so it'd be better if I just avoided her. So I walked out to the spot, slowly, taking in all the nature completely surrounding me, and the weird wheel marks on the path.

And when the clearing came into view, I saw Bella there, lying on her back, in the middle, eyes closed. And my heart skipped a beat. Oh no, I couldn't lose her again, I wouldn't fucking survive.

But her moving lips reassured me, she was talking to herself. I couldn't help but grin knowing she was insane. And I loved her to death for it.

But what was she doing here? Alone? And how'd she get here? I didn't see anyone around… the wheel marks, which meant she pushed herself. Yup, she was definitely crazy.

I didn't want to scare her, so I decided I would alert her of my presence before I got within a five feet radius.

"Bella?"

And her lips twitched, as if she were having a happy thought, and her eyes fluttered open. When her eyes caught sight of me, she suddenly jerked and said:

"Edward? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing…"

"You first."

"I came here for a smoke…" and I saw the hurt come over Bella's face and her eyes became glassy.

"A cigarette, Bella. Nothing more."

"Oh."

"And you?" because I was truly curious as to why she was here.

"I needed to think."

"Oh."

And I pulled my pack of Marlborough's out of my jacket pocket, along with my lighter, and as courtesy, offered Bella one:

"Cigarette?"

Her face became thoughtful for a moment, and she answered,

"Yes."

"You know, they're bad for you…"

"I'm not the one who normally smokes them."

"Touché."

And I handed Bella a cigarette as she sat herself up and lit it with the flick of my lighter. Now, don't get me wrong, I was no fan of giving my Bella bad shit, but something told me she could really use one so I didn't refuse.

And after I took one long puff of my own cigarette, I said:

"So, Alice and Rosalie tell me you've hit it off with Jacob…"

And Bella softly snorted at the comment and said:

"Yeah, that didn't really work out."

And secretly, as much as I wanted Bella's happiness, I was glad to hear her and Jacob didn't work out. I couldn't help it, I was a protective bastard and I deserved to go to hell. And I was jealous. But that didn't stop my heart from soaring.

What I wasn't prepared for, was the look Bella gave me when her eyes finally found mine and all her pent up emotions just channeled on through. We hadn't actually stared at each other yet and Bella had me frozen. I saw the hurt, the pain, the doubt. And I felt terrible.

"I'm so sorry Bella."

And because I was sitting down next to her, I reached out my hand to put on top of her resting one and I did a little happy dance inside when she didn't flinch or pull away.

"The thing is, Edward, I want to believe you. I want to trust you, but I don't know if I can anymore. I really believed you loved me, that is, until you told me the exact opposite. And I haven't recovered since. I miss you Edward, but I hate you too."

And Bella broke out into sobs, her body shaking violently from the burden, _me_.

And in a breathless whisper, I had to strain to hear, Bella said:

"And I still love you."

And I didn't even care if Bella didn't want the hug I had forced her into because I needed to show her I cared, that her confession meant a lot to me, and that I loved her too.

And it felt like we were going back to square one when I pulled myself away from Bella far enough to see her face and instead of wiping away the tears with my hand, I kissed them away, _willed_ them away. And with that train of thought, I picked up the wrist she had broken and kissed that too. I needed to show Bella how much I cared for her and this was my only way of doing so. Words usually were my thing, but there was nothing I could say as all-encompassing as my kisses.

I lifted my eyes back to Bella's red and puffy ones, the pain I had caused her still evident on her face, and made sure I had her attention. Because when I said my next words, I needed Bella to see how sincere and honest they were. I needed her to see the 100% truth behind them.

"Bella, I've given you no reason to believe me, and I probably don't deserve your trust but…"

And Bella was looking at me wide-eyed, waiting for the words that would very likely be my undoing. So I said:

"Bella, I… I've never known anyone like you before," I spit out quickly because I chickened out. Ugh, I needed to have better resolve.

"You helped me through everything and put up with all my shit. You helped me when I was down and loved me when I didn't deserve it. And you still love me, and I know I've been an ass, I've been beyond terrible. What I've done, what I've said, it's inexcusable. I thought by leaving out, I was leaving you better off, but it was stupid. The reason you're in a wheelchair now, it's because of me. _I_ hurt you and I couldn't stand to do it again. The only person I've ever put before myself is you, Bella. But of course, I'm a selfish creature, so I know you might not believe me now, but I'm not going to stop, I'm gonna keep trying to convince you no matter what it takes. I know it won't be easy, and I don't expect you to ever come back. I just hope that one day, you'll believe me. But even if you don't, it won't matter, because I'll always be here, waiting, till the end.

Because I love you."

BPOV

WHY? Why did I believe him? Why did my heart tell me that Edward meant what he said? My brain, my memory, and my experience all knew better, but I couldn't shake off that feeling of security that Edward's arms provided, that electricity that was always in the air around us, and the love that made my heart swell and ignore rational Bella.

I knew Edward was waiting for a response, all the while trying to gauge my reaction. Good, he didn't deserve to know what I was thinking. Although I had made up my mind, I decided to drag out the moment a bit, make Edward suffer a little more. So I sat there, face composed, staring off into space, leaving Edward on edge. I hope he wasn't holding his breath, because he would definitely pass out.

I closed my eyes, squished the cigarette, and lay back down. I felt Edward do the same next to me and I waited a few moments and opened my eyes, surprised to see the intensity of his stare. And I said:

"You know, I underestimated the spot. I didn't really understand what it meant to you, but now, I feel like I know. It's a good place just to clear your mind, and it's beautiful. The wildflowers and all… It's quiet and isolated so you don't have to bring the shit from the rest of the world in…"

I knew I hadn't answered Edward's plea just yet, but I was getting around to it.

"Edward, give me your hand."

And just like that, without a second thought, Edward laid his hand softly in my own. I picked it up and spread his fingers, I then proceeded to put his open hand on my chest, where my heart was.

"Do you hear it flying, Edward? That's what you do to me whenever you're around. It doesn't matter if I'm in the crappiest mood or am having the worst day, once I see you, my heart flies.

"I tried, really hard, to tame my heart, suppress it, from doing that when I saw you. Because in your absence, naturally, it only did the opposite. It was like I was dead, Edward, dead to the world. Because my personal world had ended. And I'm not trying to make you feel bad Edward, I just want you to realized how fragile my heart is, how breakable I am. Yeah, I try to be a tough cookie, but in reality, I'm mush without you. I realized, no matter what, even if you weren't the best for me, or I didn't deserve you, that there could be no one else. My heart, is, entirely yours Edward. Forever. So please, don't break it again."

I looked up into Edward's eyes that had glazed over and there was a new emotion burning there.

Determination.

"Bella, I promise, with every fiber in my body, to wholly and completely love you for eternity, and never to break your heart again."

And Edward's face got impossibly closer to mine, foreheads touching, so close to home…

And finally, after so long, we made it there. Our lips, our hearts, our souls, in completely unison, the way it should be.

_i hope this was semi-long, for me at least it was... and I just wanted to say, I didn't really expect to end it in this chapter but things happen and there WILL be an epilogue because i still have a couple of things I'd like to address but yeah. This is it. I'd just like the thank all of you for all your awesome reviews and encouragment and woah, you made my first story on fanfiction really special and great. I will be writing other stories, but the next thing i have in mind has a wayyyy different theme. :) Feel free to review or if you'd like request maybe a little something in the epilogue, don't hesitate to ask but I can't promise anything. :)_

_PLus, 300 review for my first story... I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! Really :)  
_


	25. Epilogue

_Twilight and all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer._

_Hokay guys, last chap (if you can really call it that... pretty short... anyway) So I'd just like to thank all you guys for making my first story so special and supporting all my crazy ideas and developing writing. Plus, this is all Bella... because it started that way and should end that way... :) _

_Enjoy!  
_

BPOV

Of one thing, I was completely certain:

I was going to die.

Four inch heels, who in their right mind would invent those deathtraps?

And the dress, don't even get me started…

Fuck prom. Fuck my inability to say "no" to Edward. Where was my tenacity when I needed it? It wasn't there when Edward proposed, and it sure as hell wasn't there for prom.

Edward had laughed at my reaction when I fumed at him for even mentioning prom; apparently, he thought it was funny. He had said,

"Bella, you'll marry me, but you won't trust me to take you to prom?"

And he had chuckled. Then he had given me a soft kiss that just kept building until I had completely forgotten what we were talking about and absentmindedly said yes. Edward was cruel. It wasn't fair for him to dazzle his way through everything. But I couldn't deny I loved every minute of it.

And I couldn't really blame Edward. The shoes and dress were both compliments of Alice who was impossible to deny and even _she_ couldn't be persuaded by Edward.

But all that didn't matter now. All that mattered were the long, steep stairs before me. I just took deep breaths and murmured words of encouragement to myself. Edward was going to be doing the work, carrying me down the steps, but that didn't keep the fear from building. But Edward was too good, he knew _exactly_ what to say. He brought his lips close to my ear and whispered:

"Bella, did I mention how incredibly beautiful you look tonight?"

"Yes."

"And sexy?"

"Um-hum."

"No one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

Not only did his words send a shiver down my spine, but they also thoroughly distracted me from the aforementioned danger.

Once we made it to the bottom of the stairs, in one piece, I gave one long look at my wheelchair because it wouldn't be coming along tonight. Edward had insisted he would support my weight the whole time which I thought was absurd. He saw me look and said:

"Do I need to kiss you again?"

And all I could do was smile. That was the only reaction I ever had to being around Edward anymore. I think people thought I was loony for the stupid grin always plastered to my face.

Charlie wished us a good time and resigned himself to the couch because he wasn't really into the whole prom thing. Neither of us considered it a big event, especially in light of my recent engagement, which naturally outweighed any high school experience, except for maybe graduation.

Edward made the drive to school in record time, driving like a maniac, which actually wasn't an accurate description because he drove perfectly, just way above the posted speed limit.

Once we got to school, Edward got around to my door before I could even fully unbuckle my seatbelt. He held out his hand, like a gentleman, and helped me effortlessly out of the car.

I don't know how, but somehow Edward managed to support both our weight and walk us into the gym gracefully, supporting me by the hip the whole time.

When inside, under the reflection of the shiny disco ball, _great_, Edward and I made our rounds, casually greeting and nodding at everyone we knew. And I didn't really feel up to any dancing but since Edward was supporting me, I had no choice.

And despite the fact that it was evidently a grinding song, Edward held me close by the hips with my arms wrapped around his torso, my head resting on his shoulder, and he moved us back and forth in our own time. People could stare, it didn't matter. Because right now, it was just Edward and me.

And after a while of dancing, I began getting a little hot in the cramped gym and asked Edward if we could get a little fresh air. And of course, he didn't refuse.

Once outside, I expected us to stop, but Edward kept going, pulling us both towards the woods, the path to the spot illuminated by the moon as if on cue.

"Where are we going?"

Edward chuckled and said,

"As if you don't know…"

"Okay then, _why_ are we going?"

"Because, you needed fresh air, and didn't specify where, and maybe, I wanted somewhere I could get you alone… You aren't scared, are you?" he said with a mocking tone.

"Ph-lease, Edward. I'm not scared. Because if some type of animal, vampire let's say, jumps out, it won't be eating me."

"I'm not the one who looks so tempting."

And Edward just gave me that crooked grin I loved so much.

Once we made our way well into the clearing, Edward stopped and pulled me close, the same position we had been dancing in, and started moving us again. I was about to comment about the lack of music when Edward began humming _my_ lullaby.

And I guess we must have been out there for a while because a sudden chill ran up my body and had to ruin the moment. Of all times, _now_ I had to be cold?

"Cold, Bella?"

"Just a little."

Wait.

A chill had run up my body. I had goose bumps on my arms and my legs. Oh, my, God.

"Bella? You okay?"

"Edward, I can feel cold!" I said excitedly.

"Yeah, I know. We should probably get you back inside before you freeze."

"No, silly. My _legs_ feel the cold. THEY FEEL THE COLD! I can feel!"

"Bella…"

"I mean, I can't stand right now or anything, but it's a start."

Edward didn't really say anything, he just looked at me adoringly, a wide grin plastered on his face. Because it wasn't just _my_ future anymore, it was _our_ future.

"You know, I love you Edward?"

"Yeah, I kinda assumed that when you accepted the ring."

And I smacked Edward for being such a smart ass. But when I looked up expecting to see his playful pout, I was taken aback by his green, smoldering eyes. My gosh, if I really could stand, my knees would have buckled.

Edward brought his face close, gently skimming his lips over my already parted ones waiting in anticipation, and murmured:

"I love you too Bella, forever and always."

And as if I wasn't completely blown away by now, Edward finally pressed his lips to mine and I flooded with euphoria.

_Yeah, it's short but yeah... :'( But no worries, there will be other stories! ha ha. but wayyy different from this one probably._

_One thing, someone asked me to address the fact that Edward's not smoking anymore. Well, he isn't I just couldn't find any fitting place to mention that but he isn't and everything is all happy, the way it should be. Just minus Renesemee who would be so cute but not this time guys :)_

_Feel free to review... even though this is sooooo short and I will definitely post when I get the first chapter of my next story out on here so if you want, you can read. _

_And once again, mucho love to all of you!!!! You totally made my first story more awesome than I could have ever expected! So,_

_THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)_


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